Has this eagerness made you feel love for unsuitable persons because you could get them?

Getting married is, and should be, a romantic and thrilling adventure. The excitement of getting ready, the wedding in which you are the center of attention, the thrill of establishing a new and intimate relationship with another person; these rightly have great appeal.

When June comes and you see so many of your friends getting married, and there is someone special whom you like and who wants to marry you, it is quite a temptation! No wonder that under such circumstances some people feel that they are in love.

The danger is that such marriages may end up as “roller coaster” marriages. They are highly exciting at first and for a brief time. But the couple ends up at the bottom with a thrill which is past. Those who are rather lonely and hungry for love must be especially careful about this.

The love which they think they feel toward a person may really be a love for the excitement of getting married. Even when there are other bases, this love for a thrill may be enough, in combination with other motives, to push us into a marriage which is not for the best. All should watch out for this temptation!

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How much have you been swayed by “minor point” attractions?

In all areas of life, people often choose upon the basis of what is relatively unimportant. In selecting a second-hand car, for example, they may choose one which has serious defects just because they like the looks of the dash, or the color of the upholstery, or the general lines.

There is the old story of the couple who even bought a house in the country because of such minor point attractions. In the moonlight, when they saw it first, it seemed the most beautifully picturesque place they could imagine. Outside was the Old Oaken Bucket hanging in the well. Inside, a huge fireplace took up one end of a large living room, through the walls of which the moon made charming patterns on the floor. Even the sag in the roof gave an appearance of stalwart patience which they felt belonged to the house.

They were as eager to buy it as the agent was to sell. Then they moved in.

They had not expected perfection, but. . . . The lovely fireplace smoked so much as to be almost unusable, yet was the only means of heating the place. Through the holes which had admitted the moonlight also came the rain and cold and snow. The romantic Old Oaken Bucket weighed a ton, and there seemed no way of emptying it without spilling water all over yourself, and it was the only source of water.

By December they could no longer stand it and moved out, which was fortunate. In January the patience of the sagging roof was no longer stalwart, and the whole thing caved in.

“You’re lovely to look at, delightful to know, and heaven to kiss.” So ran a old popular song. A combination like this is certainly desirable. As with a car or a house, nice lines and a good paint job are all to the good.  So also is that lock of curly hair, the charming smile, the way her cute little nose wrinkles when she laughs, and those alluring eyes. But if you allow such minor points to determine your choice, you may, like the couple who bought the charming house, come to grief.

The belief that marriage is a prolonged party may cause us to choose the one with whom we can have the most fun. “I have such a good time with Jim on a date.” “Fred is so upbeat and so exciting.” “Doris is so sparkling and vivacious on a picnic.” “Marian is such a charming hostess.” And so the list goes.

All such qualities are desirable and can add much to a marriage. But they are not enough. If we are employing a woman as an accountant, it is nice if she can write training material and fix the copy machine. But the important consideration is her accounting ability.

So it is with a marriage partner. Many people who are wonderful dates at a dance, or fine companions for a summer vacation are not at all suitable for the long pull of marriage.

In your choice, then, make sure that you are not influenced too much by minor point attractions. How will she be to live with? How well will he wear, year after year? Will you have to carry her when the going gets tough, or will she come through when you are under your greatest pressures? Such are the important considerations in choosing a mate.

Technorati Tags: attraction, marriage, marriage attraction, relationships

How strong are your interests in common?

What sports and amusements do you enjoy together?

We start with this, not because fun is too important, but because it is what so often first brings the young couple together. A boy and a girl find that they like to swim, play tennis, and go to shows together. This is a fine start, and some of these activities can be enjoyed together for many years. But physical activities can do no more than to give the initial push.

As people grow older their physical energies diminish. They become interested in other things. And in any case, marriages are not mainly recreation. Therefore it is essential that the couple consider other interests which will hold up better under the long pull.

What intellectual or cultural interests do you have, such as music, drama, literature, painting, or history?

This list may seem to be of possible interest only to highbrow intellectuals. Yet many people of little formal schooling have developed considerable interest in, and taste for good music and art. Other people have less pretentious hobbies, such as woodworking, dog breeding or clay modeling.

Every family should have at least one amateur photographer. Some of these interests may be related to a vocation.

Frank had a very real interest in his garage work. The girl whom he finally married developed a very profitable, but no less real interest in raising chickens.

It is not necessary that both husband and wife have the same interests. In some ways, their relationships will be more fruitful if one specializes in one thing and the other in another. Then by sharing, they can both have a broader development.

It is important that they do have interests. The person who has interests is more interesting as a person. The wife who spends considerable time in her garden and really tries to do a good job, may prove far more attractive to her husband than if she spent the time in a salon.

Furthermore, interests which seem quite divergent can often be shared in most valuable ways. Cathy was a research physician and Alex a sculptor and painter. When she wrote a book on a technical medical subject, he illustrated it.

One need not be a specialist in the field of the other. A couple needs only interests to share, and interest enough in what the other is doing to make possible the sharing. A young couple will rarely know in advance just what and how their interests may later develop. They should be able to tell, however, the extent to which either or both is alive to any part of life which is beyond themselves.

But if you discover that one or both of you has no significant interests, what then? Your answer will depend upon what you want from each other. Some men, often because they feel inferior, want a wife who will be little more than an appendage to the household and otherwise be as colorless as possible.

Likewise, some wives will want husbands who will provide reasonably well financially, but who otherwise will trouble them as little as possible. We shall not here pass judgment upon such persons. We shall say only that if this is what either or both of you want, you should both know it and face fully what it means.

But if you want your marriage to be a rich companionship, real interests are essential. Marry a person without hair, teeth, fingernails, or a nose, but not one without interests.

Technorati Tags: common interests, Marriage Communication, relationships

How similar are your ideals, values, and goals in life?

How important is financial success?

Is either of you a social climber?

Everybody expected that Frank and Annie would get married, including the couple themselves. In fact, when Frank called that night he intended definitely to “pop the question.” Annie knew this, and it was her eagerness to help Frank out which skidded the whole proposition into the ditch, which was probably a good thing.

Both Frank and Annie were working people. She had finished college with some difficulty. He had quit after two years, and taken a job at a local garage. He was a good mechanic, and happy to remain so. Basically he was a fine man, honest, reliable, and good-natured. His wants were few. He enjoyed an occasional beer and cigar, and liked ball games and fishing.

He wanted a family, preferably with Annie, and enough money to support them according to his simple standards. Beyond this his ambitions did not go. He had no desire to appear intellectual, or to get ahead.

Not so with Annie. She had ambitions for them both. As Frank began his warm-up speech, she became impatient and took over. Frank was really a great man. He must finish college. Then, by moving to a large city, he could attend graduate school at night. He was to become not an ordinary engineer, but a great engineer.

Then they would have lots of money and live in a big house on a hill and move in the best social circles. Yes, the right kind of wife could make something of him.

After this glowing picture Frank looked puzzled. Then he gulped, walked over to the door and said, “Good night Annie. See ya later.” Despite her entreaties he walked out, not to return.

Academically, Frank was not bright. Mathematics were to him an unsolved mystery. But he did have a kind of basic insight which saved him from what might have been a sad mistake. As he himself put it, “All of a sudden I saw what I was getting into. I didn’t want it. What could be worse than spending years of your life struggling and fighting for what you don’t want?”

Later he turned his attentions to another girl who was less ambitious and married her. He was fortunate because he was wiser than most regarding the relationship of making money to success.

In our culture, money has two important purposes;  to provide us with the material things of life and to give us status and power. The first we understand quite well. Money is a means of getting what we need and want, such as food, clothing, housing, and medical attention.

It is also something more. It is a way in which some people can gain a sense of being superior to other people; by wearing clothes, living in costly homes, and operating cars which the ordinary man cannot afford. In short, it is a measure of success.

Most of the trouble which money causes in marriage arises not out of a lack of necessities, but out of the sense of failure. If you believe that money is the measure of success, you are headed for trouble. If you fail to get ahead as you feel that you should, each of you may blame the other.

The wife will complain because you have not worked hard enough, or are too stupid. If only she had married Joe Spultz when she had the chance—now there is a man who has really gone places. The husband may reply that if only he had had the right kind of wife, the kind who would help instead of complain all the time, he would have made the grade.

And yet success does not solve the problem, either. Always there is someone who has been more successful, so that you will still feel inferior. And in any case, money has only a limited capacity to satisfy. It is like furniture in a house. A certain amount is highly desirable. But beyond a certain point it adds little, and begins to clutter up the place so that it is no longer worth its cost.

Couples who have been married for many years often discover that the best period of their marriage was when they were poor and struggling. It is working together for worthy objectives which makes marriage successful, not “getting ahead.” The important consideration is to be successful as a person, in meeting your own personality needs and those of the rest of the family.

Success in collecting figures on a bank balance is at best, a convenience.

If neither of you puts too much value upon money or status, you will probably be safe at this point. But if money and social position are central values for the other person, don’t marry her (or him). You will be headed for trouble. If money and social position mean too much to you, don’t marry anybody until you have grown up and straightened out.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, marriage compatibility, relationships, shared values