Those who are called into the armed forces, or take certain jobs in industry, do not always have to be skilled in the work which they will be called upon to do at the time of enlistment or beginning a job.

Many things we can learn on the job or by special training. People do have to be sufficiently developed and mature so that they can follow through with the training and the discipline which may be required.

So it is with marriage.

Getting married is not like starting out on a picnic. It means taking over a real job. You will not have all the skills which it requires to begin with, nobody does.  But you both should be sufficiently “grown-up” so that you can learn the skills as required, and discharge the responsibilities which the new relationship demands.

Over time you will be amazed how your abilities increase as you and your spouse grow and mature.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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In the eyes of most people, this question will apply mainly to the man. In our culture, the husband is expected to earn the living for himself, his wife, and their children. At one time it was believed that any man “worth his salt” could provide adequately for his family. Poverty in a family in which there was an able-bodied husband was regarded as the result of shiftlessness and laziness. We now know better.

Due to circumstances beyond the control of any individual, such as bad business conditions and recessions, able and competent men may be unable to secure employment. This possibility is a risk which anyone who marries must be willing to take. The couple should demand of the prospective husband only that he should be able to hold down a suitable job, if one is to be had.

Exceptions to this rule can safely be made, also, for those who are in training, including students, even though at the time of marriage they are not yet earning a living.  The idea of what constitutes a suitable living will vary with the individual. Florence was brought up in a fairly well-to-do family. She has been used to having almost anything she wanted without question. Her boy friend, Jeffrey, is a fine man but without especial abilities or ambitions.

He will make a good, steady husband, and will earn enough to supply a family modestly. He will never be able to earn the kind of money which Florence will demand. Her father could give Jeffrey a well-paying position in the firm. But he could not do the work satisfactorily. He would either have to live on a kind of charity, or face frustration and defeat.

They were both wise in seeing the situation, and calling the whole thing off. Tom, another friend, could earn what Florence requires. But he wants to become a college professor, and would not be happy doing anything else. So neither of them will let things go too far. They may be genuinely fond of each other, even to the point of love, but they both understand that marriage to each other is not in the picture.

There is yet another aspect of her vocational situation. In an increasing number of households wives work outside the home to help with the family income. Problems connected with this situation will be discussed more fully in future posts. Furthermore, the young mother should be able, in case of the death of her husband, to earn a living for both herself and her children. In most cases the amount of insurance will not be more than enough to keep the family going until she can adjust herself and find suitable employment. Every young person, male or female, married or single, should be able to earn a living.

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The question of marriage with those who have physical disabilities presents a special problem with which we shall not be concerned here. Furthermore, those who may require some physical help may otherwise be unusually self-reliant and far less helpless in the total marriage relationship than some of the able-bodied. 

We recognize, too, that girls who are actually competent and able sometimes play the “helpless” role because they feel that it will make them more appealing to men. Our concern here is with the competence of those without physical disabilities.

As we have indicated, marriage is not a prolonged party, but a serious job involving real responsibilities. Being ready for marriage means, first of all, that you can take care of yourself. For various reasons, people may reach adulthood still unable to take care of themselves.

Others, wishing to be “big, strong men,” or wanting to give some man just the “mothering he needs” find such helplessness appealing, especially if the helpless are “cute” or make them feel important. Such marriages are dangerous, not only because people usually get tired of carrying others on their backs, but also because we lose respect for the able-bodied helpless.

By helplessness we do not mean the absence of any particular abilities and skills. The bride may face a stalled car in hopeless resignation, and the groom may have not the slightest idea what to do with an uncooked steak. Few of us have at the time of marriage all the skills and abilities which would be desirable.

Here we mean a general attitude of lying down before most situations and expecting others to assume full responsibility for almost everything. We do not blame people for such a lack. They may be deficient through no fault of their own. Neither do we imply that they are incurable.

They may be incompetent because they have always had servants or indulgent parents to do
everything for them. In time they might learn to stand on their own feet. We do say that as long as they are not able to take care of themselves adequately they are not ready for marriage.

Success in marriage requires not only the ability, but a willingness to do a fair share of the work. Dolly and Harold were practically engaged until they were together for several days at a house party in which the work was divided up among the group. Harold proved to be a past master at being somewhere else when there was work to be done, or getting someone else to do his work, or appearing to be very busy while doing nothing.

She had no desire to be a squaw for the rest of her life, doing all the work while her lord lolled in idleness. So marriage with Harold was “out,” and Dolly was grateful for the experience which had given her ample warning. Any person who habitually leaves most of the work to others is not mature enough for marriage. A person ready for marriage enjoys responsibility, and willingly accepts his share of the load.

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Like most intelligent young people you have gone beyond the stage where you believe that good intentions and sentimental feelings are enough. You know that success in marriage means having what it takes to do a good job. A part of your problem concerns your own readiness for marriage. Here are some questions you should ask your¬selves.

Are you both old enough to marry?

This question is not answered easily. How old is “old enough?” People vary a great deal in the ages at which they become mature. A few exceptional people might be ready for marriage in their teens. Others are much too “young” at thirty. In our discussions here we shall not concern ourselves with the rare exceptions at either end of the scale. We are concerned with the vast majority of young people.

How old should people be before they marry? A good approach is to find out how old people are when they actually do marry. In our country, the age of most men today at the time of first marriage is about twenty-four. Their brides are slightly over twenty-one. Contrary to popular opinion, people of today are not older, but younger at the time of marriage than they were fifty years ago.

Men of today marry about two years earlier, and girls about six months earlier than did their grandparents. Yet in all times there is a wide difference in the ages at which people marry. College graduates, and those who enter the professions, usually marry considerably later than the rest of the population.

Having considered briefly the ages at which people do marry, let us now consider the ages at which they should marry.  One of the first studies of this subject, made many years ago, presented some interesting conclusions. The investigators suggested that the groom should be at least twenty-four, and preferably twenty-nine, and the bride at least nineteen, and preferably twenty-four.

Later studies by such investigators as Terman and Burgess and Cottrell have modified these conclusions somewhat. They indicate that teen-age marriages are the least successful. They suggest that marriage in the early to middle twenties is desirable. These conclusions find substantial support from other sources. Child-bearing is easiest and safest in the early twenties, although modern science has made it increasingly safe for all ages.

The Kinsey studies indicate that men reach their peak of sex desire well before twenty, so that the postponement of marriage places a strain upon those who observe traditional moral standards. Yet emotional maturity and economic competence take time to develop. And if marriage is to represent a complete fulfillment of the love relationship, emotionally as well as physically, the couple should wait for marriage until they are fully ready.

For most couples the best age for marriage seems to be from the early to the middle twenties.
Remember, however, that you are not a statistic, or even two statistics. You are you. The question is not, “What is the best age for young people to marry?” but “What is the best age for you to marry?” The best way to decide is to look at what marriage involves, and then try to see whether or not you have what it takes.

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Success in marriage depends largely upon having sound and constructive attitudes toward love. Such understandings are difficult for Americans, especially because of the fictions which they have been taught since childhood, and which are supported by movies and other influences.

Actually, the love upon which so many base their marriages is one or a combination of the following:

1.    The appeal of the romance and adventure of marriage itself

2.    The response to a person who reminds them of someone whom they have loved

3.    The desire to escape from an unhappy situation

4.    Consolation for failure or disappointment

5.    Social pressures and/or the fear of being “left on the shelf”

6.    Sex desire

7.    Some minor point of attraction

Such forms of love are not false or fictitious. They are very real. Often they are intense enough to give a person an overwhelming feeling of certainty. Some of them, as nos. 1, 6 and 7 have a proper place in marriage. Their danger is that they are superficial. No one of them, nor all of them together, are strong enough to constitute the foundations of successful marriage. Yet they deceive people who believe that “love is enough” into choosing unsuitable mates.

Love which can make a marriage rich and worthwhile must be far deeper. It must be based upon such things as common interests, ideals, values, and goals which involve worthy purposes. A common desire to develop children is among the strongest and most important of these common goals. Such a love is not something which you “fall in” before you marry.

It is rather, something which you build together through the years. Those who have found the sounder bases for love may expect that the thrill, glow, and romance of their marriage will increase with time. The richest joy of marriage comes from a relationship with each other which constantly develops and matures. The deepest and most abiding love is that which has become an expression of all life’s experiences and meanings for you both.

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Have you discussed the matter of having children sufficiently so that you understand each other? Have you reached an agreement satisfactory to both?

You will not settle all the details of this problem in advance. Couples sometimes plan for nine or so children, and later, by mutual consent, settle for a more modest number. But if either of you has a strong feeling against having any children at all, the other should clearly understand this before you become engaged.

We do not say that a person who objects to children should not marry. We do say that any such attitude means something, and you both should find out what it means before you become engaged.

What will you do if you are unable to have children? Here are some possibilities which you should know about, and might consider together.

1.    In many large cities there are fertility clinics. If you find yourselves unwillingly childless, your first step is to go to one of these. You ought to know in what cities they are to be found, and what they can do for childless couples.

2.    Would you accept artificial insemination? In some instances, only the husband is sterile, or the couple is sterile only to each other. When that is the case a physician is often able to impregnate the wife artificially. In such cases, both should be willing and the husband may have to sign adoption papers. Here is a possibility upon which you should come to some understanding before you marry.

3. What about adoption? This is not as simple as it may sound. Many more couples want children than there are children available for adoption. You may have to wait many lonely years. Your chances for adoption are usually better if you will take an older child, rather than demand a baby. Before you marry you should discuss your attitudes toward adoption. You should know also the main possible sources for children, and something of how you go about adopting a child.

For most couples, children constitute the main justification for marriage, the main goal of its endeavors, and the strongest bond which holds the marriage together. Therefore you should go over the matter of children with great care. Read widely. Ask advice of those in a position to know. Study, visit, and investigate. You cannot give the matter too much attention. For in your children will largely be the fulfillment of yourselves as well as of your marriage.

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Do you have common interests in actively promoting “worthy causes?”

Will your interests and activities in such things as church work bring you together or pull you apart?

If you believe in the church, or the Civic Improvement Society, or the Red Cross, you will probably donate money to them. If you have enough money for everything, or if your gifts are small enough, you may have little difficulty. But most families can donate money only at the expense of something else.

However corrupt the city government may be, the wife may resent the five dollars you gave to the Better Government Association, especially if she was trying to save up enough to buy Junior a new coat. Or she may feel strongly that a man with growing sons ought to make a generous donation to the Stop-the-Next-War movement before he buys a new set of golf clubs.

The spending of time may cause even more conflict. “John has plenty of time for some old meeting, but he never has time to take me to a dance or a show.” “Mary would do a lot more good if, instead of all this P.T.A. work, she would clean the house once in a while, and be there when the kids get home from school.” Or, “I don’t mind going to church occasionally, but this business of having to be there every Sunday to teach a class, so that we can never take a trip into the country even when the weather is perfect, that is just too much.”

Another, although usually minor source of conflict concerns your friends. People who work with others naturally become attached to their fellow-workers and may want to bring them into their homes. In some instances, they may get most of their social life out of such attachments. If both
of you are vitally interested in the same causes and people, little difficulty should result.  But if one is “dragged out” to social affairs in which he has little interest, or has to entertain others whom he may dislike, trouble may result.

Naturally a couple cannot settle all such problems in advance of their marriage. But by facing the issue, each one may be able to get a fairly good idea of what he is in for. If June was active in her Union and has eagerly volunteered for picket duty, such interests may be expected to continue even if she marries and quits her job.

If James was the very active president of the Christian Endeavor, we must not be surprised if he assumes active responsibilities in the church which tie him up Sundays. If Paul has strong convictions about good government, world peace or economic justice, these should be expected to continue. Remember, marriage does not change people basically. Age and experience may change them profoundly after they are married. But do not bank on it. Marrying a person to “reform” him, either for better or for worse, is a proposition more than dubious.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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