Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Builders

More “reasons not to get” married advice:

Is your home or work situation unhappy?

Are you marrying to “get away from it all?”

The trains came and the trains went on through Smallville, but Susan never went anywhere except to visit her aunt and uncle who lived in the same kind of small town about fifty miles down the line. Oscar was a nice boy with whom she had gone through high school. She liked him, and he was really interested in her. But if she married him, what could that bring her? Oscar was working in his father’s store, which some day he would take over, and they would be stuck in Smallville all their lives.

But Jerry was something different. Jerry was a counselor in a boy’s camp, whom she had met at a dance one Saturday night. She had been dating him on his nights off ever since, for Jerry was not like the hicks in Smallville. He was from Big Town. If she married him she would live where things were really going on; could go to the theatre where big stars played in person, shop at really big stores, and mingle with real crowds.

Susan knew little about Jerry except that he had a fast line, a citified manner, and a job in the Big City. But since she was in love with him, wasn’t that enough? Or was she only in love with the possibility of getting out of Smallville?

How often is this “love” which some feel the desire to get away from a quarrelsome, bickering family, a dominating mother, or a tight little office in which one feels stifled? It is understandable that people should strive to get away from that which annoys them, although the basic reasons for the annoyance may be in themselves.

When you marry you assume responsibilities; you do not escape them. A good marriage will mean that life will be much richer and more worth-while, but it will not be easier. Marriage creates as many problems as it solves. The success of your marriage will depend upon what you are getting into, not what you get away from.

Were you ever engaged before?

How many times, and how recently?

Have you suffered any bitterness or humiliation?

Life often brings difficult and sometimes humiliating experiences. We are rejected by our crowd. We break with our own family. We lose our job. Other events come which make us discouraged, embittered, or frightened. In such times it is quite natural for us to want the love and security which a good marriage can bring.

The emphasis here should be on a good marriage. The danger is that we feel that almost any marriage will bring us the support we wish, and act hastily and unwisely. Remember, marriage is not a hospital, or even a convalescent home. It brings not only additional joys, but also additional burdens. If you have been badly hurt, wait until you have recovered before taking on its responsibilities.

Be especially careful if you have recently been disappointed in a previous love affair. It is a difficult experience to be jilted, especially after we have been “all set.” We may want desperately to “show our friends,” and to reassure ourselves.

If your engagement has but recently been broken, wait until the hurt has had time to heal fully before you commit yourself again. Or, if you are suddenly urged to rush into marriage by someone who has but recently been jilted, review the situation with especial care. Make sure that he wants you, rather than just anybody who will marry him.

Beware of the person who has been engaged several times. There is probably something which needs to be straightened out before marriage should be attempted. You may want to get expert counseling in such a case.

See our other “reasons not to get” married advice post.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Builders, married advice

Many people are eager to give “reasons to get” married advice to their friends and family. Here is some “reasons not to get” married advice.

Wrong reason to get married advice #1

How eager are you “just to get married?” Has this eagerness made you feel love for unsuitable persons because you could get them?

Getting married is, and should be, a romantic and thrilling adventure. The excitement of getting ready, the wedding in which you are the center of attention, the thrill of establishing a new and intimate relationship with another person; these rightly have great appeal. When June comes and you see so many of your friends getting married, and there is someone special whom you like and who wants to marry you, it is quite a temptation! No wonder that under such circumstances some people feel that they are in love. If they are getting older they may be bombarded with “reasons to get married advice” from others who give married advice as freely as a handshake.

The danger with this “get married advice” is that such marriages may end up as “roller coaster” marriages. They are highly exciting at first and for a brief time. But the couple ends up at the bottom with a thrill which is past. Those who are rather lonely and hungry for love must be especially careful about this. The love which they think they feel toward a person may really be a love for the excitement of getting married. Even when there are other bases, this love for a thrill may be enough, in combination with other motives, to push us into a marriage which is not for the best. All of us need to watch out for this wrong kind of “get married advice” and who this married advice is coming from!

Wrong reasons to get married advice #2

Does the other person remind you strongly of some dear relative or friend whom you once loved? To what extent has this influenced your choice!

“And when I gazed into her eyes, then I knew,” whispered Phil. Phil was brought up by an Aunt Clara, whom he adored. Ada was about Aunt Clara’s height, and her gestures were strikingly similar. When she spoke, Phil heard the same soft, well-modulated voice which he had come to love as a child. No wonder that he was interested in Ada as soon as they had met. On their first date he noted around her eyes the same cute wrinkles he had loved in his aunt. And in Ada’s eyes was the same shade of greenish-blue.

To Phil it was love at first sight; a mysterious Act of God, who intended that they should marry. Actually, it was Phil’s love for his aunt which Ada’s similarities stirred up in Phil with overwhelming compulsion. Phil’s imagination did the rest. He naturally felt that Ada must have the same simple integrity, the same gentle patience and the same unselfish love as had Aunt Clara.

How could Phil know, or even believe that Ada was selfish, spoiled, and something of a cheat? Yet he did have sense enough to know that one must be especially careful about “love at first sight.” With the help of a wise counselor he began to see the reasons for his feelings. As he became aware of Ada’s physical resemblances to his aunt, and saw their relationship to his love, his feelings changed. Ada was no longer even mildly interesting to him.

Such extreme cases may be rare, but less extreme ones are common. Many young people have been very considerably influenced to choose one person rather than another because some look or gesture reminded them of a loved one. Have you considered the possibility of such influences in your choice? Again, don’t get pushed into something by “reasons to get married advice” from others.

Is anyone putting undue pressure on you to marry or giving you strong “get married advice”?

Do you feel that you must follow this “get married advice’ and hurry to get married, lest you be “left on the shelf?”

It is quite natural that your relatives, and especially your parents, should be interested in whom you marry and give you “get married advice”. It is proper that they should propose possibilities and, within reasonable limits, even to campaign for them. They will do it, anyway whether you like it or not. But do not let them, or anyone, push you into a marriage for which you are not ready with “get married advice”.

Above all, beware of the girl friend who tries to give you the impression that you have “led her on,” and that, therefore, it is now your duty to marry her. The main difference between altar and halter is H.

On the question of taking your opportunities while you have a chance, it is difficult to give wise advice. Certainly it is unwise to marry just because everyone else is doing it, and you want to be in the swim. Some people, too, are willing to accept almost anybody for fear that otherwise they may be left on the shelf.

On the other hand, some are so particular that they pass up, to their undying regret, the chance to marry really good people because they hope for some Prince Charming of their imaginations who will never come. That also is too bad. Do not let it happen to you. Be wise who you take “get married advise:” from.

Next post will have a few more “wrong reasons” to get married advice.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Builders, married advice

Are you emotionally able to accept competent marital advice when you need it?  In the matter of physical health we recognize the need for specialized help. We give our children considerable information about their bodies and how to care for them. By the time they reach adulthood they have a good basic understanding of the nature of disease, and the principles of hygiene and sanitation.  Why is it different when is comes to marital advice?

Knowledge of new discoveries, such as insulin and anti-biotics is widely disseminated. Yet despite this considerable knowledge, most people will, at times, have to call in outside help. Most people do this without shame or embarrassment. Even physicians call in specialists for their more difficult and baffling cases.

Most marriages, like most bodies, occasionally become ill and break down at some point. Such illnesses are not always fatal. The sick marriage may recover by itself, just as people often recovered from their sicknesses before they had doctors. Yet the outside expert and good marital advice is important. In many instances the patient who has competent help will recover, when without it he would die.

In other instances the outside specialist can make the recovery come much quicker, and be more complete. In times past, people used to drag around with physical ailments from which they could be easily cured today. Likewise many marriages, while not ill to the point of divorce, drag along without that buoyant happiness and glow which competent marital advice could give. One reason for the importance of the outside expert is his ability to detect difficulties early, so that they can be corrected before they become serious.

Divorce has many causes, and effective treatment of the tragedy will require extensive, difficult, and widespread measures. But it could quickly be reduced, if couples were willing to seek competent marital advice before their marriages were on their proverbial deathbeds.

Fred was both surprised and hurt when Louise, whom he wanted to marry, disagreed with him about counseling help. He boasted that after they were married, they would handle all difficulties by themselves. He was not going to have any third parties meddling in his affairs. Louise agreed that untrained but emotionally involved “in-laws,” and well-meaning friends should not be resorted to, any more than we would call upon them to diagnose or treat an illness. But a refusal to consult an impartial expert was another matter.

Suppose they had a child who became seriously ill; would they insist on taking care of it themselves?  Fred prided himself on his high standards of responsibility and independence. But to be independent you need not insist upon repairing your own watch.

Responsibility involves the willingness to use such resources as may be necessary and available to meet the demands of a situation. Louise rightly interpreted Fred’s attitude as an evidence of immaturity; an immaturity which made him a questionable marriage risk. Fortunately through a lecture series and some counseling appointments, Fred came to recognize the irresponsibility of his attitude, and grew up at this point.

One of the most encouraging signs in the marriage situation is the growing willingness of intelligent, well-informed people to seek marital advice in less serious difficulties. Securing expert help in consultation is no more a confession of failure or an admission that the marriage is on the skids than a physical check-up is evidence that the individual is about to die. The willingness to secure competent marital advice is a vital part of that determination to succeed which can be the cornerstone of a successful marriage. As such, it is one of the character traits essential to success.

Note: Always seek competent, trained professionals who are experienced and deserving of your trust for marital advice.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, marital advice, Marriage Builders