What crowd will you go with after your marriage?

Are you from the same or different social crowds? If both of you are from the same social crowd, you should have little difficulty at this point after your marriage. You may just keep going around with the same crowd, or the married set which has come mainly out of the old crowd.

If you move to another city where neither of you has friends, your problem can be relatively simple. Just establish yourselves as a couple with some crowd you both like. Problems arise when each has been running around with a different crowd to which they have become attached, and after marriage they remain in the same town.

For example, consider Jim and Mary. Mary’s crowd is decidedly the “sporty” type. They swim, sail, play considerable tennis and golf. Their conversations center about horse-racing, ball games, and tournaments. Jim’s group is more the “artistic-intellectual” type. They are interested in novels, plays, paintings, and discuss international and social problems with considerable zeal.

We may well ask why Jim and Mary became interested in each other in the first place. Perhaps each wanted somewhat more variety than he was getting. In any case, here they are, about to marry. They will continue to live in the same town. With which crowd shall they establish their common social life?

Christian Marriage Counseling

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It might be better if all who married were required to be without living relatives. But since this does not seem feasible, the continued interest of the families is a fact which must be taken into consideration. Remember that neither you nor your parents can act toward each other as if they had not brought you up. And if Uncle Bill and Aunt Sue had fingers in the pie of your development, even emotionally, neither can they. If you can live far enough away from all relatives, you may be safer. But in these days of rapid communication, even this may not be enough. The attitude of your families toward social class is one factor which you must, by all means, take into consideration.

Finally, there is yourself. You may think, in the glow of your fantasy, that love will cover all differences. You will better rely upon intelligent understanding. Because of the particular social class in which you have been brought up, each of you will come to marriage with definite ideas of what constitutes proper conduct and good taste. You are in for some shocks, in any case. But if you come from the same social class, each of you is more likely to behave as the other thinks proper. If you come from different classes, you are each likely to have habits which will add to the difficulties of the marriage adjustment.

In this matter of marrying one from a different social class, we are not saying “don’t.” We do say that it is usually better and possible to marry someone from your own social class and thus save yourselves trouble. If you do select someone from another social class you should both know what you are up against. The best way to know is for both of you to work out the adjustments which will be necessary. These adjustments should be made, certainly before you marry, and if possible, before you become engaged. Economic differences are a special phase of this whole matter of class differences which we shall discuss later.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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If an upper-class boy marries a girl from a lower class, she may be accepted by his group. But if so, she must be willing to learn and to adopt the speech and many of the mannerisms and etiquette of his class. For a bright middle-class girl, this may not be difficult. She may be able to pick it up merely by being alert. But for a lower-class girl it can be difficult. Remember Shaw’s Pygmalion, and the terrific struggle of the poor girl from the slums who was being taught to talk and act like a duchess? How can one learn in a short time, what one born in the class took many years to acquire?

The task of overcoming the contrary speech and habits of a lifetime can put a strain upon the whole relationship which may prove more than it can endure. Christopher Morley portrays this vividly in his Kitty Foyle, the story of a working-class girl who finds the adjustments which she would be required to make in order to be accepted by Wyn Strafford’s upper-class family intolerable.

Social acceptability may be important for vocational success. If a spouse is not to be handicapped in landing either jobs or business deals, they both must usually be able to associate with those in his social class as equals. Under some circumstances this may mean being acceptable to the “right” clubs and social groups. Yes, this matter of class is important.
And don’t forget the families.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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“I’m marrying him, not his church.” You may think so, but you may find out later that you are terribly wrong. Some religious groups believe that they have not only the right, but the duty to interfere in the married lives of their members. In the baptism of the children, in the religious instruction and church relationships of the children, and in any matter regarded as related to morals, such as Sabbath observance or birth control, some church groups intrude actively and often with serious results. Furthermore, the church is not just an organization. For Mary and Jim it is also Momma, Poppa, Uncle Jim and perhaps some old friends who can and often do bring considerable pressure to bear.

Remember, too, that many parents give up their children with considerable reluctance. Religious differences give them a very satisfactory excuse for continuing their hold upon their children. It is no wonder, then, that breakups in inter-religious marriages were shown by one study to be two-and-a-half times as great as when the marriage was with one of the same faith. Those who contemplate marrying across religious lines should carefully stop, look, and listen before proceeding.

Although, as we have seen, the difference here is likely to be cultural, it may also be religious. Neither of these situations will contribute to the harmony of the marriage. The cultural aspects of the problem, as we have seen, complicate the alliance still further.

Intermarriage may lead to strenuous efforts at conversion. The whole family or even the whole church may join. Differences in what is regarded as right and wrong—involving Sabbath observance, dancing, and similar conduct, can lead to serious friction. Even within one’s own denomination, serious religious cleavages can result which threaten the marriage. Such possibilities should be considered carefully.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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How much have you been swayed by “minor point” attractions?

In all areas of life, people often choose upon the basis of what is relatively unimportant. In selecting a second-hand car, for example, they may choose one which has serious defects just because they like the looks of the dash, or the color of the upholstery, or the general lines.

There is the old story of the couple who even bought a house in the country because of such minor point attractions. In the moonlight, when they saw it first, it seemed the most beautifully picturesque place they could imagine. Outside was the Old Oaken Bucket hanging in the well. Inside, a huge fireplace took up one end of a large living room, through the walls of which the moon made charming patterns on the floor. Even the sag in the roof gave an appearance of stalwart patience which they felt belonged to the house.

They were as eager to buy it as the agent was to sell. Then they moved in.

They had not expected perfection, but. . . . The lovely fireplace smoked so much as to be almost unusable, yet was the only means of heating the place. Through the holes which had admitted the moonlight also came the rain and cold and snow. The romantic Old Oaken Bucket weighed a ton, and there seemed no way of emptying it without spilling water all over yourself, and it was the only source of water.

By December they could no longer stand it and moved out, which was fortunate. In January the patience of the sagging roof was no longer stalwart, and the whole thing caved in.

“You’re lovely to look at, delightful to know, and heaven to kiss.” So ran a old popular song. A combination like this is certainly desirable. As with a car or a house, nice lines and a good paint job are all to the good.  So also is that lock of curly hair, the charming smile, the way her cute little nose wrinkles when she laughs, and those alluring eyes. But if you allow such minor points to determine your choice, you may, like the couple who bought the charming house, come to grief.

The belief that marriage is a prolonged party may cause us to choose the one with whom we can have the most fun. “I have such a good time with Jim on a date.” “Fred is so upbeat and so exciting.” “Doris is so sparkling and vivacious on a picnic.” “Marian is such a charming hostess.” And so the list goes.

All such qualities are desirable and can add much to a marriage. But they are not enough. If we are employing a woman as an accountant, it is nice if she can write training material and fix the copy machine. But the important consideration is her accounting ability.

So it is with a marriage partner. Many people who are wonderful dates at a dance, or fine companions for a summer vacation are not at all suitable for the long pull of marriage.

In your choice, then, make sure that you are not influenced too much by minor point attractions. How will she be to live with? How well will he wear, year after year? Will you have to carry her when the going gets tough, or will she come through when you are under your greatest pressures? Such are the important considerations in choosing a mate.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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