Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Builders

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Communication

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling

How well do you know each other?

A valid type of love takes time to develop. The Hollywood lover may murmur softly to the girl whom he has just met, “I’ve known you all my life.” But he is following a script, not stating a fact. Really coming to know a person takes time, and lots of it.

Couples advice studies indicate that those couples who have been engaged for two years or longer are most successful in their marriages. And presumably they knew each other for some time before they became engaged.

But time is not the only consideration. Important also is the kind of association which you have had together. George and Mabel have known each other for eight years. But during all this time they have been together hardly twenty times, and all these contacts were at formal parties and dances, where people wear their best behavior as well as their best clothes.

Actually George and Mabel do not know each other nearly well enough to become engaged. By far the best situation for couples is that in which the young people have grown up together from childhood. But this is not for most of us.

The best which most young people can do is a few years of group association. They go around for some time with the same “crowd.” Or it may be that they belong to the same church, the same political groups, or they have gone to school together. Here the important consideration is not merely the time span through which such associations have taken place, but the number and the kind of the associations.

Long Term Couples Advice

What kinds of associations have you had with each other? One of the best ways to get to know anyone is to work with him. By this we do not mean merely to work in the same factory or office. We mean to work with him at the same job.

Tom thought that he knew Violet and Rose fairly well. He had dated them individually several times, and had gone to many parties and activities with them. But not until he worked with them on the school paper did he really get to know them.

In a job like this you cannot stay on your good behavior for long. In order to turn work out, you must relax and be yourself. One Friday when the printer failed to get his copy out for the paper due Monday, Tom saw two personalities whom he had never known before.

The Rose wilted, cried, and went home with a headache. The Violet, however, refused to shrink. She said some things over the phone that would not have been printable. Then she collected Tom and two other boys, and they visited the printer. They stayed there together until the copy was finished and the presses ready to roll the first thing Monday morning. The old adage should be changed to “You never really know a man or woman until you have worked with them under pressure.” You who are becoming mutually interested; how well do you really know each other?

Read some of our other posts for more couples advice.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, couples advice, Relationship Stages

More “reasons not to get” married advice:

Is your home or work situation unhappy?

Are you marrying to “get away from it all?”

The trains came and the trains went on through Smallville, but Susan never went anywhere except to visit her aunt and uncle who lived in the same kind of small town about fifty miles down the line. Oscar was a nice boy with whom she had gone through high school. She liked him, and he was really interested in her. But if she married him, what could that bring her? Oscar was working in his father’s store, which some day he would take over, and they would be stuck in Smallville all their lives.

But Jerry was something different. Jerry was a counselor in a boy’s camp, whom she had met at a dance one Saturday night. She had been dating him on his nights off ever since, for Jerry was not like the hicks in Smallville. He was from Big Town. If she married him she would live where things were really going on; could go to the theatre where big stars played in person, shop at really big stores, and mingle with real crowds.

Susan knew little about Jerry except that he had a fast line, a citified manner, and a job in the Big City. But since she was in love with him, wasn’t that enough? Or was she only in love with the possibility of getting out of Smallville?

How often is this “love” which some feel the desire to get away from a quarrelsome, bickering family, a dominating mother, or a tight little office in which one feels stifled? It is understandable that people should strive to get away from that which annoys them, although the basic reasons for the annoyance may be in themselves.

When you marry you assume responsibilities; you do not escape them. A good marriage will mean that life will be much richer and more worth-while, but it will not be easier. Marriage creates as many problems as it solves. The success of your marriage will depend upon what you are getting into, not what you get away from.

Were you ever engaged before?

How many times, and how recently?

Have you suffered any bitterness or humiliation?

Life often brings difficult and sometimes humiliating experiences. We are rejected by our crowd. We break with our own family. We lose our job. Other events come which make us discouraged, embittered, or frightened. In such times it is quite natural for us to want the love and security which a good marriage can bring.

The emphasis here should be on a good marriage. The danger is that we feel that almost any marriage will bring us the support we wish, and act hastily and unwisely. Remember, marriage is not a hospital, or even a convalescent home. It brings not only additional joys, but also additional burdens. If you have been badly hurt, wait until you have recovered before taking on its responsibilities.

Be especially careful if you have recently been disappointed in a previous love affair. It is a difficult experience to be jilted, especially after we have been “all set.” We may want desperately to “show our friends,” and to reassure ourselves.

If your engagement has but recently been broken, wait until the hurt has had time to heal fully before you commit yourself again. Or, if you are suddenly urged to rush into marriage by someone who has but recently been jilted, review the situation with especial care. Make sure that he wants you, rather than just anybody who will marry him.

Beware of the person who has been engaged several times. There is probably something which needs to be straightened out before marriage should be attempted. You may want to get expert counseling in such a case.

See our other “reasons not to get” married advice post.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Builders, married advice

Many people are eager to give “reasons to get” married advice to their friends and family. Here is some “reasons not to get” married advice.

Wrong reason to get married advice #1

How eager are you “just to get married?” Has this eagerness made you feel love for unsuitable persons because you could get them?

Getting married is, and should be, a romantic and thrilling adventure. The excitement of getting ready, the wedding in which you are the center of attention, the thrill of establishing a new and intimate relationship with another person; these rightly have great appeal. When June comes and you see so many of your friends getting married, and there is someone special whom you like and who wants to marry you, it is quite a temptation! No wonder that under such circumstances some people feel that they are in love. If they are getting older they may be bombarded with “reasons to get married advice” from others who give married advice as freely as a handshake.

The danger with this “get married advice” is that such marriages may end up as “roller coaster” marriages. They are highly exciting at first and for a brief time. But the couple ends up at the bottom with a thrill which is past. Those who are rather lonely and hungry for love must be especially careful about this. The love which they think they feel toward a person may really be a love for the excitement of getting married. Even when there are other bases, this love for a thrill may be enough, in combination with other motives, to push us into a marriage which is not for the best. All of us need to watch out for this wrong kind of “get married advice” and who this married advice is coming from!

Wrong reasons to get married advice #2

Does the other person remind you strongly of some dear relative or friend whom you once loved? To what extent has this influenced your choice!

“And when I gazed into her eyes, then I knew,” whispered Phil. Phil was brought up by an Aunt Clara, whom he adored. Ada was about Aunt Clara’s height, and her gestures were strikingly similar. When she spoke, Phil heard the same soft, well-modulated voice which he had come to love as a child. No wonder that he was interested in Ada as soon as they had met. On their first date he noted around her eyes the same cute wrinkles he had loved in his aunt. And in Ada’s eyes was the same shade of greenish-blue.

To Phil it was love at first sight; a mysterious Act of God, who intended that they should marry. Actually, it was Phil’s love for his aunt which Ada’s similarities stirred up in Phil with overwhelming compulsion. Phil’s imagination did the rest. He naturally felt that Ada must have the same simple integrity, the same gentle patience and the same unselfish love as had Aunt Clara.

How could Phil know, or even believe that Ada was selfish, spoiled, and something of a cheat? Yet he did have sense enough to know that one must be especially careful about “love at first sight.” With the help of a wise counselor he began to see the reasons for his feelings. As he became aware of Ada’s physical resemblances to his aunt, and saw their relationship to his love, his feelings changed. Ada was no longer even mildly interesting to him.

Such extreme cases may be rare, but less extreme ones are common. Many young people have been very considerably influenced to choose one person rather than another because some look or gesture reminded them of a loved one. Have you considered the possibility of such influences in your choice? Again, don’t get pushed into something by “reasons to get married advice” from others.

Is anyone putting undue pressure on you to marry or giving you strong “get married advice”?

Do you feel that you must follow this “get married advice’ and hurry to get married, lest you be “left on the shelf?”

It is quite natural that your relatives, and especially your parents, should be interested in whom you marry and give you “get married advice”. It is proper that they should propose possibilities and, within reasonable limits, even to campaign for them. They will do it, anyway whether you like it or not. But do not let them, or anyone, push you into a marriage for which you are not ready with “get married advice”.

Above all, beware of the girl friend who tries to give you the impression that you have “led her on,” and that, therefore, it is now your duty to marry her. The main difference between altar and halter is H.

On the question of taking your opportunities while you have a chance, it is difficult to give wise advice. Certainly it is unwise to marry just because everyone else is doing it, and you want to be in the swim. Some people, too, are willing to accept almost anybody for fear that otherwise they may be left on the shelf.

On the other hand, some are so particular that they pass up, to their undying regret, the chance to marry really good people because they hope for some Prince Charming of their imaginations who will never come. That also is too bad. Do not let it happen to you. Be wise who you take “get married advise:” from.

Next post will have a few more “wrong reasons” to get married advice.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Builders, married advice

How similar are your ideals, values, and goals in life?

How important is financial success?

Is either of you a social climber?

Everybody expected that Frank and Annie would get married, including the couple themselves. In fact, when Frank called that night he intended definitely to “pop the question.” Annie knew this, and it was her eagerness to help Frank out which skidded the whole proposition into the ditch, which was probably a good thing.

Both Frank and Annie were working people. She had finished college with some difficulty. He had quit after two years, and taken a job at a local garage. He was a good mechanic, and happy to remain so. Basically he was a fine man, honest, reliable, and good-natured. His wants were few. He enjoyed an occasional beer and cigar, and liked ball games and fishing.

He wanted a family, preferably with Annie, and enough money to support them according to his simple standards. Beyond this his ambitions did not go. He had no desire to appear intellectual, or to get ahead.

Not so with Annie. She had ambitions for them both. As Frank began his warm-up speech, she became impatient and took over. Frank was really a great man. He must finish college. Then, by moving to a large city, he could attend graduate school at night. He was to become not an ordinary engineer, but a great engineer.

Then they would have lots of money and live in a big house on a hill and move in the best social circles. Yes, the right kind of wife could make something of him.

After this glowing picture Frank looked puzzled. Then he gulped, walked over to the door and said, “Good night Annie. See ya later.” Despite her entreaties he walked out, not to return.

Academically, Frank was not bright. Mathematics were to him an unsolved mystery. But he did have a kind of basic insight which saved him from what might have been a sad mistake. As he himself put it, “All of a sudden I saw what I was getting into. I didn’t want it. What could be worse than spending years of your life struggling and fighting for what you don’t want?”

Later he turned his attentions to another girl who was less ambitious and married her. He was fortunate because he was wiser than most regarding the relationship of making money to success.

In our culture, money has two important purposes;  to provide us with the material things of life and to give us status and power. The first we understand quite well. Money is a means of getting what we need and want, such as food, clothing, housing, and medical attention.

It is also something more. It is a way in which some people can gain a sense of being superior to other people; by wearing clothes, living in costly homes, and operating cars which the ordinary man cannot afford. In short, it is a measure of success.

Most of the trouble which money causes in marriage arises not out of a lack of necessities, but out of the sense of failure. If you believe that money is the measure of success, you are headed for trouble. If you fail to get ahead as you feel that you should, each of you may blame the other.

The wife will complain because you have not worked hard enough, or are too stupid. If only she had married Joe Spultz when she had the chance—now there is a man who has really gone places. The husband may reply that if only he had had the right kind of wife, the kind who would help instead of complain all the time, he would have made the grade.

And yet success does not solve the problem, either. Always there is someone who has been more successful, so that you will still feel inferior. And in any case, money has only a limited capacity to satisfy. It is like furniture in a house. A certain amount is highly desirable. But beyond a certain point it adds little, and begins to clutter up the place so that it is no longer worth its cost.

Couples who have been married for many years often discover that the best period of their marriage was when they were poor and struggling. It is working together for worthy objectives which makes marriage successful, not “getting ahead.” The important consideration is to be successful as a person, in meeting your own personality needs and those of the rest of the family.

Success in collecting figures on a bank balance is at best, a convenience.

If neither of you puts too much value upon money or status, you will probably be safe at this point. But if money and social position are central values for the other person, don’t marry her (or him). You will be headed for trouble. If money and social position mean too much to you, don’t marry anybody until you have grown up and straightened out.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, marriage compatibility, relationships, shared values

As mentioned in the previous post, the failure of romantic love to continue doesn’t mean that there is something the matter with a particular marriage, or marriage in general. It means that selecting life partners on the basis of this supposed love feeling alone just isn’t enough. If a marriage is to succeed, we must exchange these fancies for facts.

In giving advice for marriage let us now consider what some of these facts are.

Advice for Marriage Fact One: Love is not any more strange and mysterious than many other human experiences. Actually there does exist a real and growing body of scientific knowledge about it. We know a great deal about the nature of love, why it hits the way it does, and why it can or cannot stand up under the long pull of marriage.

Anything is mysterious; the rising and setting of the sun, the circulation of the blood, or changes in the weather – all are strange and mysterious to those who lack scientific knowledge about them. Many who drive cars have only the slightest idea of what goes on under the hood, or what to do if the car refuses to start. Why people suddenly become ill, or are suddenly hit by a pain at the back of the neck, may be as complete mysteries as the sudden coming of love.

But as our knowledge grows, all such experiences become increasingly understandable. In love as in health, you can tell little by the way you feel. The man in terrible pain may have only simple indigestion which will cure itself, while the man who feels nothing wrong may suddenly drop dead of heart failure. Those who feel most sure of their love are often the poorest marriage risks. Having a healthy marriage, like having a healthy body, calls for the best scientific knowledge we can get.

Advice for Marriage Fact Two: There is not just one, but there are many forms of love. The man who is not well may use just one word to describe how he feels. He may say that he feels sick. The medically trained man knows that although many forms of illness may feel alike, actually they represent many different kinds of diseases which are quite different from each other.

So it is with love. There are many forms of it. Those in love may feel quite similar to those whose love is of a very different type. Actually, however, one form of love may be quite unlike another.

Some forms of love are essential to successful marriage, or even to successful living. Other kinds of love are forms of selfishness. For example, we say that we love oranges. The orange would not think so. We destroy it for our pleasure, and then throw what is left in the garbage. Sometimes we love people in the same way – even our own children. We get what we want out of them, often regardless of their wishes or best interests.

Sometimes young people love and want to marry, mainly because they want to get something out of the other, not because they desire his good. Yet this selfish kind of love may look and feel just like any other kind. Not all forms of love are good and sound. Some forms should be warning signals, rather than bases for marriage. The important question is not, “Do I love him enough to marry him?” It is rather, do we feel the kind of love toward each other upon which a marriage can successfully be built?

Advice for Marriage Fact Three: The richest, deepest, and most permanent forms of love are those which we build over the years. So you are in love. You feel a warm, romantic glow toward each other which you do not feel toward anyone else. Grand. The love which you feel toward each other may be honest and true. If you marry, it will give you a good start.

But the love which will make your marriage most worth-while, which will not only endure but grow through the years, is not this romantic kind. It is the richer, deeper kind which comes from Having with another who is in a true sense a life partner; one with whom you have in common the basic purpose of building a family together; someone who is going your way. Only such a love can really meet your needs. Only such a love can weld your marriage together so that it can easily withstand the storms and stresses which pull against it.

The romantic form of love may be able to give you some thrilling experiences for a few weeks, or even a few years. Only this richer form of love can make the latter part of your life richer, and in a sense, more romantic than were the first years. And this love is not anything you can fall into. It must be built.

Read some of our other posts for more advice for marriage.

Technorati Tags: advice for marriage, Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Communication

When is comes to getting advice on relationships, how well do you understand the fictions and facts about love?

Most people take it for granted that love is the one thing which really counts in choosing a life partner. “Do I love him?” or, “Do I love her enough?” Many young people believe that the answer to these questions should settle the matter of marriage. Bill might make a far better husband, but if Jill loves Jack more than she loves Bill, she will marry Jack.

In many other cultures, and at other times and places, the idea of what is most important in marriage has been quite different. Before we assume that our ideas are correct, or even better, we should ask ourselves how we have come by them.

So far as we as individuals are concerned, the answer is not difficult.  When giving advice on relationships we believe that love is the crucial matter in marriage because this idea has been drilled into us from childhood.  The media is partly responsible; most plots are so organized in movies and television. For example, parents who object to the love choices of their children are made to appear selfish and wrong.

Such considerations as differences in family or social position are made to seem unimportant. When young people defy their parents or their traditions and marry for love, we applaud. The picture has been so produced as to make us feel that we should. It might have been so developed as to give the opposite impression.

The novels and stories which most of us read present the same general point of view. The girl is sometimes represented as engaged to some nice, respectable person whom she does not love.  So that we will not like him, he is portrayed as intolerably stuffy. Therefore when she runs off and marries the man she really loves, often at the very last minute, we feel that she has done the right thing. The general idea often is that a husband should be someone glamorous and exciting.

Advertisements help to hammer the same idea home. In the soap operas, love and happiness are presented as the only things in marriage which are worth while.  Many other ads play up the same idea. Love and glamour – these are the important considerations, so we are told.

Of course the movies, stories, and ads present this point of view because it is in line with what we already believe, and want to keep on believing.  Back of it all is the very powerful force of public opinion. The fiction is accepted because that is the way marriage choices seem to work out in real life.

For example, there was Cousin Gussie. All the family thought that her marriage was a mistake. But when she explained that he was the man she loved, that seemed to settle the question for everyone. Our friends have made what have seemed to others very peculiar choices. But we all seemed to feel that if they were really in love, there was nothing else for them to do.

These love matches did not always work out very well. Even in the stories, the glamorous Romeo, whom the girl left all to marry, was sometimes presented as little more than an attractive and exciting tramp. After the marriage he may desert her and their children and leave them without financial or emotional support for months or even years at a time. Yet, according to the fiction, despite all these hardships, the girl had done the only thing she could do; marry the man she loved.

These strange and often tragic choices are often explained on the basis that love just doesn’t make sense anyway.  Love is supposed to be some strange mysterious Something which nobody can understand. The only way you can tell it is by the way you feel when your heart goes bumpity-bump, and all that. Furthermore, there doesn’t seem to be anything you can do about it. It just IS, or IS NOT. You cannot make yourself love another, no matter how eager he may be to marry you, or how good a husband he would make.

On the other hand, when it does hit you, you are a goner. Cupid just sneaks up on people, twangs his bow, and before anybody knows it, they are hooked, regardless of how suitable the marriage may or may not be. Such is the fiction upon the basis of which so many young people select their marriage partners. Now let us look at some of the facts.

One of the most inescapable facts is the extent of marriage failure. Hundreds of thousands crowd our divorce courts, often bitter and disillusioned.  Yet, these same people were quite as much in love with each other as most young people are at the time of marriage. Obviously something is terribly wrong with this idea that marriages should be based upon feelings of love which people have toward each other.

Even more conclusive evidence is to be found in the speed with which these romantic ideas die out for most people after marriage. Think of the people whom you know who have been married for ten years or more. How many of them still have this romantic glow which is supposed to be the very purpose of marriage?

More on these facts and advice on relationships in the next post.

Technorati Tags: advice on relationships, Christian Marriage Counseling, Relationship Stages

Are you emotionally able to accept competent marital advice when you need it?  In the matter of physical health we recognize the need for specialized help. We give our children considerable information about their bodies and how to care for them. By the time they reach adulthood they have a good basic understanding of the nature of disease, and the principles of hygiene and sanitation.  Why is it different when is comes to marital advice?

Knowledge of new discoveries, such as insulin and anti-biotics is widely disseminated. Yet despite this considerable knowledge, most people will, at times, have to call in outside help. Most people do this without shame or embarrassment. Even physicians call in specialists for their more difficult and baffling cases.

Most marriages, like most bodies, occasionally become ill and break down at some point. Such illnesses are not always fatal. The sick marriage may recover by itself, just as people often recovered from their sicknesses before they had doctors. Yet the outside expert and good marital advice is important. In many instances the patient who has competent help will recover, when without it he would die.

In other instances the outside specialist can make the recovery come much quicker, and be more complete. In times past, people used to drag around with physical ailments from which they could be easily cured today. Likewise many marriages, while not ill to the point of divorce, drag along without that buoyant happiness and glow which competent marital advice could give. One reason for the importance of the outside expert is his ability to detect difficulties early, so that they can be corrected before they become serious.

Divorce has many causes, and effective treatment of the tragedy will require extensive, difficult, and widespread measures. But it could quickly be reduced, if couples were willing to seek competent marital advice before their marriages were on their proverbial deathbeds.

Fred was both surprised and hurt when Louise, whom he wanted to marry, disagreed with him about counseling help. He boasted that after they were married, they would handle all difficulties by themselves. He was not going to have any third parties meddling in his affairs. Louise agreed that untrained but emotionally involved “in-laws,” and well-meaning friends should not be resorted to, any more than we would call upon them to diagnose or treat an illness. But a refusal to consult an impartial expert was another matter.

Suppose they had a child who became seriously ill; would they insist on taking care of it themselves?  Fred prided himself on his high standards of responsibility and independence. But to be independent you need not insist upon repairing your own watch.

Responsibility involves the willingness to use such resources as may be necessary and available to meet the demands of a situation. Louise rightly interpreted Fred’s attitude as an evidence of immaturity; an immaturity which made him a questionable marriage risk. Fortunately through a lecture series and some counseling appointments, Fred came to recognize the irresponsibility of his attitude, and grew up at this point.

One of the most encouraging signs in the marriage situation is the growing willingness of intelligent, well-informed people to seek marital advice in less serious difficulties. Securing expert help in consultation is no more a confession of failure or an admission that the marriage is on the skids than a physical check-up is evidence that the individual is about to die. The willingness to secure competent marital advice is a vital part of that determination to succeed which can be the cornerstone of a successful marriage. As such, it is one of the character traits essential to success.

Note: Always seek competent, trained professionals who are experienced and deserving of your trust for marital advice.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, marital advice, Marriage Builders