Are you close enough in age to each other for marriage?

For youth should not mate with age.
Her beauty was sold for an old man’s gold,
She’s a bird in a gilded cage.

So ran a popular song of an earilier era. In most marriages the man is somewhat older for well-known reasons. Girls usually mature physically and socially from two to three years sooner than boys. Some men do not feel ready to assume the financial responsibilities of marriage until after they have become established in some business or profession, which may require some years.

Most men, even those who are older, find younger women more attractive. So naturally the girls do not want to wait.

Nearly eight out of ten men marry women who are from two to three years younger than themselves. What of the marriages of those who do not? Interestingly enough, the Burgess-Cottrell study indicated that cases in which the wife was older than the husband showed a higher than usual proportion of good adjustments, as did those in which the husband was eight or more years older.

Yet these same marriages showed also the highest proportion of poor adjustments. Terman found that the happiest group of husbands had wives twelve or more years younger, but that the happiest wives were from four to ten years older than their husbands.

Yet the happiest couples were those in which the husband was from three to five years older. So you figure it out.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Like most intelligent young people you have gone beyond the stage where you believe that good intentions and sentimental feelings are enough. You know that success in marriage means having what it takes to do a good job. A part of your problem concerns your own readiness for marriage. Here are some questions you should ask your¬selves.

Are you both old enough to marry?

This question is not answered easily. How old is “old enough?” People vary a great deal in the ages at which they become mature. A few exceptional people might be ready for marriage in their teens. Others are much too “young” at thirty. In our discussions here we shall not concern ourselves with the rare exceptions at either end of the scale. We are concerned with the vast majority of young people.

How old should people be before they marry? A good approach is to find out how old people are when they actually do marry. In our country, the age of most men today at the time of first marriage is about twenty-four. Their brides are slightly over twenty-one. Contrary to popular opinion, people of today are not older, but younger at the time of marriage than they were fifty years ago.

Men of today marry about two years earlier, and girls about six months earlier than did their grandparents. Yet in all times there is a wide difference in the ages at which people marry. College graduates, and those who enter the professions, usually marry considerably later than the rest of the population.

Having considered briefly the ages at which people do marry, let us now consider the ages at which they should marry.  One of the first studies of this subject, made many years ago, presented some interesting conclusions. The investigators suggested that the groom should be at least twenty-four, and preferably twenty-nine, and the bride at least nineteen, and preferably twenty-four.

Later studies by such investigators as Terman and Burgess and Cottrell have modified these conclusions somewhat. They indicate that teen-age marriages are the least successful. They suggest that marriage in the early to middle twenties is desirable. These conclusions find substantial support from other sources. Child-bearing is easiest and safest in the early twenties, although modern science has made it increasingly safe for all ages.

The Kinsey studies indicate that men reach their peak of sex desire well before twenty, so that the postponement of marriage places a strain upon those who observe traditional moral standards. Yet emotional maturity and economic competence take time to develop. And if marriage is to represent a complete fulfillment of the love relationship, emotionally as well as physically, the couple should wait for marriage until they are fully ready.

For most couples the best age for marriage seems to be from the early to the middle twenties.
Remember, however, that you are not a statistic, or even two statistics. You are you. The question is not, “What is the best age for young people to marry?” but “What is the best age for you to marry?” The best way to decide is to look at what marriage involves, and then try to see whether or not you have what it takes.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Success in marriage depends largely upon having sound and constructive attitudes toward love. Such understandings are difficult for Americans, especially because of the fictions which they have been taught since childhood, and which are supported by movies and other influences.

Actually, the love upon which so many base their marriages is one or a combination of the following:

1.    The appeal of the romance and adventure of marriage itself

2.    The response to a person who reminds them of someone whom they have loved

3.    The desire to escape from an unhappy situation

4.    Consolation for failure or disappointment

5.    Social pressures and/or the fear of being “left on the shelf”

6.    Sex desire

7.    Some minor point of attraction

Such forms of love are not false or fictitious. They are very real. Often they are intense enough to give a person an overwhelming feeling of certainty. Some of them, as nos. 1, 6 and 7 have a proper place in marriage. Their danger is that they are superficial. No one of them, nor all of them together, are strong enough to constitute the foundations of successful marriage. Yet they deceive people who believe that “love is enough” into choosing unsuitable mates.

Love which can make a marriage rich and worthwhile must be far deeper. It must be based upon such things as common interests, ideals, values, and goals which involve worthy purposes. A common desire to develop children is among the strongest and most important of these common goals. Such a love is not something which you “fall in” before you marry.

It is rather, something which you build together through the years. Those who have found the sounder bases for love may expect that the thrill, glow, and romance of their marriage will increase with time. The richest joy of marriage comes from a relationship with each other which constantly develops and matures. The deepest and most abiding love is that which has become an expression of all life’s experiences and meanings for you both.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Have you discussed the matter of having children sufficiently so that you understand each other? Have you reached an agreement satisfactory to both?

You will not settle all the details of this problem in advance. Couples sometimes plan for nine or so children, and later, by mutual consent, settle for a more modest number. But if either of you has a strong feeling against having any children at all, the other should clearly understand this before you become engaged.

We do not say that a person who objects to children should not marry. We do say that any such attitude means something, and you both should find out what it means before you become engaged.

What will you do if you are unable to have children? Here are some possibilities which you should know about, and might consider together.

1.    In many large cities there are fertility clinics. If you find yourselves unwillingly childless, your first step is to go to one of these. You ought to know in what cities they are to be found, and what they can do for childless couples.

2.    Would you accept artificial insemination? In some instances, only the husband is sterile, or the couple is sterile only to each other. When that is the case a physician is often able to impregnate the wife artificially. In such cases, both should be willing and the husband may have to sign adoption papers. Here is a possibility upon which you should come to some understanding before you marry.

3. What about adoption? This is not as simple as it may sound. Many more couples want children than there are children available for adoption. You may have to wait many lonely years. Your chances for adoption are usually better if you will take an older child, rather than demand a baby. Before you marry you should discuss your attitudes toward adoption. You should know also the main possible sources for children, and something of how you go about adopting a child.

For most couples, children constitute the main justification for marriage, the main goal of its endeavors, and the strongest bond which holds the marriage together. Therefore you should go over the matter of children with great care. Read widely. Ask advice of those in a position to know. Study, visit, and investigate. You cannot give the matter too much attention. For in your children will largely be the fulfillment of yourselves as well as of your marriage.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Are you actively related to some organization or group interested in making the world a better place?

Here the word “active” is important. Merely having a nominal membership or making a small donation is not enough. For despite the disunity which may result from differences regarding the support of “worthy causes,” the concern which these represent is of great importance to the success of the family itself.

To begin with, activity in a common cause which they earnestly share can be a powerful bond uniting the couple more closely. We know that men in the same combat unit, such as a bomber crew, quickly develop amazingly strong feelings of attachment for each other. Few things weld people together as strongly and as closely as fighting side by side against a common foe for a common goal.
 
LOVE   AND   SUCCESSFUL   MARRIAGE

In the second place, social concern is an indication that you can rise above the small, selfish interests which threaten a marriage. The man who is vitally interested in a better city government is not likely to spend too much time being suspiciously jealous of his wife.

The woman who is fighting for better schools will be less likely to feel resentful toward her husband because he does not bring her presents all the time. Those who are willing to make real sacrifices for ideal ends are certainly interested in something beyond themselves. And such a concern for others is among the most im¬portant character essentials for success in marriage.

Finally, an active social concern is essential to the job of being a good homemaker. It sounds very well to say, “My job is not to go running around to all kinds of meetings. The best way I can contribute to a better world is to stay home and do a good job with my own family.”

But what is “doing a good job?” Is it spending all one’s time in washing walls and cooking fancy dishes? Your family does not exist in a social vacuum. It is part of a community, of a social and economic system. Unless this larger setting is healthy, you may not be able to “do a good job.” The lady who resented a donation to the Better Government Association felt quite differently about it when her own daughter was robbed—a crime which greater police efficiency could have prevented.

Those who stay home and pay no attention to economic reform may feel quite differently about it when a depression comes which puts the husband out of a job. We live in what is, in some respects, an evil and a dangerous world. We cannot put out a fire or prevent world conflagration by staying home and minding our own business.

The gangs in the neighborhood, the condition of the government and the schools—these are the business of parents, far more than running a vacuum cleaner and frying chicken. Nor is it enough merely to check evils. We must also participate in the intelligent planning and creative building of the future.

People are rightly committed to great social and religious purposes, and to the programs and institutions which bring these to pass. The couple which works together for a better community is not driving a wedge of separation between themselves. They are forging a powerful bond of unity. Parents in the thick of the fight are doing more than helping protect their children.

They can also make them strong. For safety in our kind of world is best achieved not through shelter, but through active understanding. One of the best services which parents can render their children is to open the windows of their homes and let the world, with its evil and its good, flow through.

Christian Marriage Counseling Blog

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Do you have common interests in actively promoting “worthy causes?”

Will your interests and activities in such things as church work bring you together or pull you apart?

If you believe in the church, or the Civic Improvement Society, or the Red Cross, you will probably donate money to them. If you have enough money for everything, or if your gifts are small enough, you may have little difficulty. But most families can donate money only at the expense of something else.

However corrupt the city government may be, the wife may resent the five dollars you gave to the Better Government Association, especially if she was trying to save up enough to buy Junior a new coat. Or she may feel strongly that a man with growing sons ought to make a generous donation to the Stop-the-Next-War movement before he buys a new set of golf clubs.

The spending of time may cause even more conflict. “John has plenty of time for some old meeting, but he never has time to take me to a dance or a show.” “Mary would do a lot more good if, instead of all this P.T.A. work, she would clean the house once in a while, and be there when the kids get home from school.” Or, “I don’t mind going to church occasionally, but this business of having to be there every Sunday to teach a class, so that we can never take a trip into the country even when the weather is perfect, that is just too much.”

Another, although usually minor source of conflict concerns your friends. People who work with others naturally become attached to their fellow-workers and may want to bring them into their homes. In some instances, they may get most of their social life out of such attachments. If both
of you are vitally interested in the same causes and people, little difficulty should result.  But if one is “dragged out” to social affairs in which he has little interest, or has to entertain others whom he may dislike, trouble may result.

Naturally a couple cannot settle all such problems in advance of their marriage. But by facing the issue, each one may be able to get a fairly good idea of what he is in for. If June was active in her Union and has eagerly volunteered for picket duty, such interests may be expected to continue even if she marries and quits her job.

If James was the very active president of the Christian Endeavor, we must not be surprised if he assumes active responsibilities in the church which tie him up Sundays. If Paul has strong convictions about good government, world peace or economic justice, these should be expected to continue. Remember, marriage does not change people basically. Age and experience may change them profoundly after they are married. But do not bank on it. Marrying a person to “reform” him, either for better or for worse, is a proposition more than dubious.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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In all areas of life, people often choose upon the basis of what is relatively unimportant.

In selecting a used car, for example, they may choose one which has serious defects just because they like the looks of the dash, or the color of the upholstery, or the general lines. One couple even bought a house in the country because of such minor point attractions.

In the moonlight, when they saw it first, it seemed the most beautifully picturesque place they could imagine. Inside, a huge fireplace took up one end of a large living room, through the walls of which the moon made charming patterns on the floor. Even the sag in the roof gave an appearance of stalwart patience which they felt belonged to the house. They were as eager to buy it as the agent was to sell. Then they moved in.

They had not expected perfection, but. . . . The lovely fireplace smoked so much as to be almost unusable, yet was the only means of heating the place. Through the holes which had admitted the moonlight also came the rain and cold and snow. By December they could no longer stand it and moved out, which was fortunate. In January the patience of the sagging roof was no longer stalwart, and the whole thing caved in.

“You’re lovely to look at, delightful to know, and heaven to kiss.” So ran a popular song. A combination like this is certainly desirable. As with a car or a house, nice lines and a good paint job are all to the good. So also is that lock of curly hair, the charming smile, the way her cute little nose wrinkles when she laughs, and those alluring eyes. But if you allow such minor points to determine your choice, you may, like the couple who bought the charming house, come to grief.
 
The belief that marriage is a prolonged party may cause us to choose the one with whom we can have the most fun. “I have such a good time with Jim on a date.” “Fred is so fun and so exciting.” “Doris is so sparkling and vivacious on a picnic.” “Marian is such a charming hostess.” And so the list goes.

All such qualities are desirable and can add much to a marriage. But they are not enough. If we are employing a girl as a typist, it is nice if she can select drapes and arrange flowers tastefully. But the important consideration is her typing skill. So it is with a marriage partner. Many people who are delightful dates at a dance, or fine companions for a summer vacation are not at all suitable for the long pull of marriage.

In your choice, then, make sure that you are not influenced too much by minor point attractions. How will she be to live with? How well will he wear, year after year? Will you have to carry her when the going gets tough, or will she come through when you are under your greatest pressures? Such are the important considerations in choosing a mate.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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A valid type of love takes time to develop. The Hollywood lover may murmur softly to the girl whom he has just met, “I’ve known you all my life.” But he is following a script, not stating a fact.

Really coming to know a person takes time, and lots of it. Studies indicate that those couples who have been engaged for two years or longer are most successful in their marriages. And presumably they knew each other for some time before they became engaged.

But time is not the only consideration. Important also is the kind of association which you have had together. George and Cathy have known each other for eight years. But during all this time they have been together hardly twenty times, and all these contacts were at formal parties and dances, where people wear their best behavior as well as their best clothes. Actually George and Mabel do not know each other nearly well enough to become engaged.

By far the best situation is that in which the young people have grown up together from childhood. But this is not for most of us. The best which most young people can do is a few years of group association.

They go around for some time with the same “crowd.” Or it may be that they belong to the same church, the same political clubs, or they have gone to school together. Here the important consideration is not merely the time span through which such associations have taken place, but the number and the kind of the associations.

What kinds of associations have you had with each other? One of the best ways to get to know anyone is to work with him. By this we do not mean merely to work in the same factory or office.

We mean to work with him at the same job. Tom thought that he knew Violet and Rose fairly well. He had dated them individually several times, and had gone to many parties and activities with them. But not until he worked with them on the school paper did he really get to know them.

In a job like this you cannot stay on your good behavior for long. In order to turn work out, you must relax and be yourself. One Friday when the printer failed to get his copy out for the paper due Monday, Tom saw two personalities whom he had never known before.

The Rose wilted, cried, and went home with a headache. The Violet, however, refused to shrink. She said some things over the phone that would not have been printable. Then she collected Tom and two other boys, and they visited the printer.

They stayed there together until the copy was finished and the presses ready to roll the first thing Monday morning. The old adage should be changed to “You never really know a person until you have worked with him/her under pressure.” You who are becoming mutually interested; how well do you really know each other?

Christian Marriage Counseling

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A group of young men coming out of a movie house agreed that the actress whom they had just seen starred was one of the most luscious creatures in the world. In discussing some of the implications of her attractions one of them suddenly remarked, “Do you realize that five different men have actually been married to her, and none of them wanted to keep her?”

If sex appeal were the most important consideration in marriage, the Hollywood marriages would be outstandingly successful. There is probably more sex appeal there than in any marriages anywhere in the world. Yet they are notoriously unstable. Obviously, something more than sex must be added.

Recent studies in psychology have given us a partial answer to this puzzle. We have now learned that sex can be continuously satisfying only when and as it involves the response of total personalities to each other. Men soon tire of women, however beautiful they may be, unless the relationship is basically personal. Here are some of the places where sex attraction can lead astray.

Young men of high ideals may become attracted sexually to certain girls. Such desires may become so strong that they will propose marriage to girls who are quite unsuitable for them, because only so can they satisfy their sex desires without violating their consciences.

Other men, not so high in ideals, become obsessed with a desire for sex relationships with attractive girls whom they cannot “make” outside of marriage. Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind married Scarlett O’Hara because he could not get her without marriage. Both these situations present the real danger that, once the desire has been satisfied either within or outside of marriage, the man loses interest.

If you are a girl whom men find unusually attractive, you have a special problem at this point. It will be difficult for both you and them to know whether what they feel toward you is substantial enough to sustain a sound marriage or, because it is primarily physical, will prove to be only a passing fancy. Your best safeguard is the character and integrity of the man.

You can tell this in part by what he cares about. If he cares about ideals, if he is concerned with making the world a better place, he may be a good risk. On the other hand, if he claims to be interested only in you, do not be flattered; be warned.

This world of ours is an extremely interesting place. It has also become so dangerous that we had better be interested in making it reasonably safe. The man who claims to be interested only in a girl is either a liar, or so deficient in development that he ought not to marry anybody.

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What sports and amusements do you enjoy together? We start with this, not because fun is too important, but because it is what so often first brings the young couple together. A boy and a girl find that they like to swim, play tennis, and go to shows together.

This is a fine start, and some of these activities can be enjoyed together for many years. But physical activities can do no more than to give the initial push. As people grow older their physical energies diminish. They become interested in other things. And in any case, marriages are not mainly recreation. Therefore it is essential that the couple consider other interests which will hold up better under the long pull.

What intellectual or cultural interests do you have, such as music, drama, literature, painting, or history? This list may seem to be of possible interest only to highbrow intellectuals. Yet many people of little formal schooling have developed considerable interest in, and taste for good music and art.

Other people have less pretentious hobbies, such as woodworking, dog breeding or clay modeling. Every family should have at least one amateur photographer. Some of these interests may be related to a vocation. Frank had a very real interest in his garage work.

The girl whom he finally married developed a very profitable, but no less real interest in graphic design.

It is not necessary that both husband and wife have the same interests. In some ways, their relationships will be more fruitful if one specializes in one thing and the other in another. Then by sharing, they can both have a broader development.

It is important that they do have interests. The person who has interests is more interesting as a person. The wife who spends considerable time in her garden and really tries to do a good job, may prove far more attractive to her husband than if she spent the time in a beauty salon.

Furthermore, interests which seem quite divergent can often be shared in most valuable ways.

Brittany was a research physician and Allen a sculptor and painter. When she wrote a book on a technical medical subject, he illustrated it. One need not be a specialist in the field of the other. A couple needs only interests to share, and interest enough in what the other is doing to make possible the sharing.

A young couple will rarely know in advance just what and how their interests may later develop. They should be able to tell, however, the extent to which either or both is alive to any part of life which is beyond themselves.

But if you discover that one or both of you has no significant interests, what then? Your answer will depend upon what you want from each other. Some men, often because they feel inferior, want a wife who will be little more than an appendage to the household. They will want her to cook, clean, receive guests, and perhaps bear a child or two, but otherwise be as colorless as possible.

Likewise, some wives will want husbands who will provide reasonably well financially, but who otherwise will trouble them as little as possible. We shall not here pass judgment upon such persons. We shall say only that if this is what either or both of you want, you should both know it and face fully what it means.

But if you want your marriage to be a rich companionship, real interests are essential. Marry a person without hair, teeth, fingernails, or a nose, but not one without interests. And be assured on this point before you become engaged.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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