John believed strongly in the church, attended its services regularly and worked hard in its activities. Mabel belonged to the same denomination, but preferred to sleep or to go on trips Sundays. He resented her indifference. She put constant pressure on him to skip church and be with her on Sundays. The marriage of each would have been happier if they had selected someone more congenial at this point. But where church is important to both husband and wife, the chances for success are considerably increased.

On the other hand, Frank was a Catholic and Susan a Baptist, but neither of them cared about church or had attended for some time. They were married by a Justice of the Peace. After their marriage each continued to stay away from different churches, just as they had before. Their families made no attempt to interfere. Their religious differences caused little difficulty.

If the couple are from different religious backgrounds, then, they should come to a clear decision on the following points:

Who, if either, will change his church relationships? If neither changes, where will each attend church, if at all? In what church, if any, will the children be reared? Will we consult our relatives and friends beforehand?

The time to go over all such questions and make your decisions is not merely before the wedding, but before you become engaged. And through it all, keep in mind the following question: “Since (in most cases) there are so many fine young people of my own group, why do I have to go outside it to find a life partner? Why add to my difficulties and increase my risk of failure?”

When young people deliberately select their mates, instead of just falling in love with someone who happens to be around, there will be fewer occasions for the difficulties and risks of interreligious marriages.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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“I’m marrying him, not his church.” You may think so, but you may find out later that you are terribly wrong. Some religious groups believe that they have not only the right, but the duty to interfere in the married lives of their members. In the baptism of the children, in the religious instruction and church relationships of the children, and in any matter regarded as related to morals, such as Sabbath observance or birth control, some church groups intrude actively and often with serious results. Furthermore, the church is not just an organization. For Mary and Jim it is also Momma, Poppa, Uncle Jim and perhaps some old friends who can and often do bring considerable pressure to bear.

Remember, too, that many parents give up their children with considerable reluctance. Religious differences give them a very satisfactory excuse for continuing their hold upon their children. It is no wonder, then, that breakups in inter-religious marriages were shown by one study to be two-and-a-half times as great as when the marriage was with one of the same faith. Those who contemplate marrying across religious lines should carefully stop, look, and listen before proceeding.

Although, as we have seen, the difference here is likely to be cultural, it may also be religious. Neither of these situations will contribute to the harmony of the marriage. The cultural aspects of the problem, as we have seen, complicate the alliance still further.

Intermarriage may lead to strenuous efforts at conversion. The whole family or even the whole church may join. Differences in what is regarded as right and wrong—involving Sabbath observance, dancing, and similar conduct, can lead to serious friction. Even within one’s own denomination, serious religious cleavages can result which threaten the marriage. Such possibilities should be considered carefully.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Are you from the same cultural group? If not, is it safe to go ahead?

For reasons which we will not here discuss, groups from northern Europe are generally regarded by Americans as having the same general culture. Marriage with them constitutes no special problem. The American who marries a Dane, for example, even one who speaks little English, risks nothing more serious than a bit of good-natured joshing. But our attitude toward those who come from other parts of Europe is quite different. Young people who face the question of cultural intermarriage should ponder the following:

1. The most serious issue which the young couple face is acceptance by their families and friends. Each couple must reach their own decision on the basis of their particular attitudes and situation.

2. For the couple themselves, the main problems of adjustment may lie in the group customs of their backgrounds. Can a couple stand each others customs? This may depend largely upon their own temperaments. These are points which they should carefully consider before they marry.

Intermarriage between people of different religions constitutes a particularly difficult form of this problem. The major problem is often cultural, not religious. The “non-member” of the couple may find himself vigorously rejected by some. Before deciding, here are some considerations which the couple should most carefully examine:

a. Much depends upon the attitudes of the families and friends in the particular situation. If those who are related
to the marriage are intelligent, liberal, and eager for better cultural relationships, the marriage may be able to withstand the pressures and difficulties. But if both or even one social group is bigoted, the young people may be better off seeking some one from their own cultural group.

b. In some instances they might solve the problem by identifying themselves with some special group in which cultural differences were ignored.

When two persons from different cultural backgrounds are becoming interested in each other, all such possibilities should be thoroughly examined. They should come to definite agreements on specific policies before they decide to marry. Such policies may have to be changed in the future. But if carefully considered they can be of utmost value in helping the young couple decide whether or not they should take the risk. For in cultural as in other matters, it is safer and usually less difficult to marry someone from your own group.

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Marrying someone from another racial group?

The whole subject of interracial marriage involves strong emotional tones and many misconceptions. Therefore we must begin by a clear statement of important relevant facts:

i. Racial differences in abilities and character are results of environment and conditioning. They are not inborn. If we wanted to, we could take all our people over five feet ten inches in height and make a separate group out of them. We could call them by some special name, such as “Gigants.” We might even convince ourselves and them that they were a different “race.” Then, by treating them differently, we could actually make them different from the rest of us. If we denied them equal educational advantages and kicked them around enough, we could prove by scientific tests that the Gigant was intellectually inferior, more criminally inclined, and more sexually lax. “Would you want your daughter to marry a Gigant?” Actually it would be as absurd to talk about “the” Gigant (as though all of them were essentially the same) as it is to talk about any racial or ethnic group.

2. Social attitudes, however misleading or false in themselves, are realities of vital importance in the selection of a life partner. Let us see how this works out in this matter of interracial marriage.

It sometimes happens that persons of different races fall in love with each other. There is nothing unnatural about this. “It can happen here”—to anyone. What about marriage? Marriage can be made exceedingly difficult by the culture in which we live. Why?—not because one or the other person is racially inferior, for this is not true. But because love between two persons is never the only basis for successful marriage. The social situation has to be taken into account. The two will have to go to great pains to foresee the problems in which marriage would involve them, and it is especially important to consider the children that may come to them. In the face of these considerations, the two young people may conclude that marriage for them is not wise.

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Why is a similarity of social background so important in marriage?

On one point practically all studies of success in marriage agree. The more similar their social background, the greater chance a couple will have for success, and the easier and happier will be their adjustments. The problem can be likened, in some respects, to that of language. You might associate for a time with someone speaking another language just because you found it interesting, or because you wished to learn their language. But in permanent association the problems of adjustment will be much easier with your own group.

For example, if a large number of men speaking different languages were to get jobs in which they must work together, it will be easier on all concerned if each elects to join those of his own language. The Spaniard who chooses to work with a Spanish-speaking group does not thereby imply that he thinks his language is better than French, or Russian, or Chinese. He merely means that he will have a less difficult time, and be under less of a strain if he and those with whom he works speak the same language. So it is with marriage. For this is a job which often puts those who work together at it under considerable pressure.

The more they can speak the same language in their backgrounds and standards, the more satisfactory will be the relationship and the better job they will do. Your own group may not be better than other groups, but it is usually better for you.

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Possible suitability – In this classification we have those who are good material, but not suitable for this particular young man. If he were to marry such a person, the relationship would be a serious strain upon them both. Yet they could, if they were willing to pay the price, stick it out. Many couples have. They have nothing against each other. They are just not happy together. And yet for the sake of respectability, or the children, or religious convictions they stick it out. We shall not here say whether they are right or wrong. But certainly those who are not yet married should use every precaution to avoid marrying a person, however suitable for someone else, with whom married living would be a heavy strain.

Basic unsuitability. Success in marriage requires certain character and personality qualifications. Those who lack this minimum could not live successfully as married partners with anyone. Some of these essentials are well understood. Our young man is not likely, knowingly, to marry a crook or a tramp. But other types of unsuitability he may understand less well. The girl who pouts so cutely, who is unusually appealing, may actually be an emotional infant who never has grown up, or never can.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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If our young man is reasonably normal himself, there are many girls with whom he could get along well. While only two or three percent of the girls of his community might be highly suitable, ten to fifteen percent might be well suited to him. He has a good chance of finding one such in his own high school class or church, or among his immediate acquaintances. He may have to go outside his own group. But his chances of finding someone of good suitability who will accept him are excellent. No man alert and interested enough to read this should be willing to settle for anything less.

Reasonable suitability. Most normal people could get along with most other normal people of their own culture reasonably well. Evidence for this is to be found in the low divorce rate which prevailed in this country until the last few decades. As we have pointed out, for most young people in this country during its first century, choice was decidedly limited. Yet because of this very fact, both of the couple usually came from essentially the same cultural background. Therefore the chances for reasonable suitability were high. Add to this the rather limited expectations which each had of the other, and we see an important contributing cause to marital stability.

If he would drop his expectations sufficiently, our young man might find over half the girls in his own social group to be reasonably suitable. They might be a bit boring and dull. But if he demanded no more than did his ancestors, he could get along fairly well. The trouble is that today both he and his mate demand much more than reasonable suitability. They expect highly satisfying personal relationships. Rightly or wrongly, most marriages today will not “get by” with reasonable suitability.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Unusual Suitability

Here is something much more possible. Where there were only about a dozen girls who would be ideal, there may well be a thousand or so who would be unusually suitable for his particular personality. Most of these he would, of course, have no opportunity of meeting. But if he lived in a town of any size, there might well be one or two within range. Even then he might not get to meet her, or would find that someone else had beaten him to it. Or he might pass over unusual suitability for more superficial and temporary attractiveness. We are dealing here with something which for a few is within the range of possibility. For most it is unlikely.

High Suitability

By this we mean a person who would be well adapted to a happy and satisfactory relationship.
Here is something which is beginning to be really possible. Let us assume that our young man lived in a town in which there were about a thousand available girls. Of these, none would be ideal, and only two or three would be unusually suitable. But of this number there might well be some twenty or thirty who would be highly suitable for him.

None of these might be in his high school or social group, or belong to his church. To find a highly suitable mate might require careful and extensive search. One way of doing this would be to find the particular groups and activities to which such a person would naturally be attracted. If he lived in a small town, he might have to move to where the chances for selection were better, not necessarily a larger place, but a different kind of place.

Suppose that the man would be best suited by a quiet homebody who would be a loyal, stable, and efficient spouse, and willing to bear children. Such a man might well find a better selection in a small Iowa town than in Chicago or New Orleans. Not everyone could, by searching, find someone of high suitability who would be willing to marry him. But for many, high suitability is a real possibility if they are willing to make the effort.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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There are perhaps a dozen girls in all the world with any one of whom marriage to this particular young man would be ideal through the years. It would be far from “perfect.” Even in the best possible marriage he would not be happy all the time. There would be, depending upon his and her temperament, a certain amount of clash and conflict. And the always pleasant, sweet-tempered girl might prove far less enriching and enjoyable than the one who, because she had a mind of her own, could bring a certain spice and zest into the relationship.

The chances of our young man marrying this ideal mate are almost nil. With only a dozen or so possibilities in the whole country he would not likely ever meet one of them, partly because one would live in Kalamazoo, another in Boston, another in Sacramento, and another on the other side of town. In the second place, if the one chance in ten million actually happened and they did meet, he would probably not even recognize her, and she might not accept him.

The qualities which attract young people in their twenties and cause them to “fall in love” with each other are often very different from those which can bring enduring satisfactions. Our young man would probably pass over this “ideal” for him in favor of someone with a cute nose, or “come hither” eyes. In all the course of history, ideal unions have doubtless actually taken place. Perhaps the Curies and the Brownings approached it. But the possibilities of any young person finding and selecting a best possible mate are so slight that they may be disregarded.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Some people, because of character or personality defects, ought not to marry anybody. We shall leave a discussion of this problem for another time. We will assume that you are both sufficiently developed for marriage, and could make a success if you married a right person. You now face the question, “Are we right for each other?”

Note that we have said a right person, not the right person. The notion that there is and can be only one right person is obviously nonsense. If either of you had been born a century ago you could never have met, and even if you came from a different town, or a different part of the town, you might never have met. If one or the other of you had been born a few years earlier or later, you probably would not have been interested in each other matrimonially if you had met.

Actually there are probably many persons, with any one of whom you could be happily married. Yet not all of these would be equally suitable. The best way to review this problem is to have in mind a suitability scale. Everyone comes to marriage as a particular kind of person, with a particular kind of background, interests, ideals, desires, tastes, and needs. Because he is the kind of person he is, not every worthy person of the opposite sex would be suitable.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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