Being Marriage Builders

To marry is to enter upon a building program and to become marriage builders. The job of each couple who marry is to construct a permanent home for themselves in which they can best raise their children. A good marriage, like a good house, must have more than attractive features and glamour. It must be constructed of good materials. It must be constructed soundly enough to be able to weather the winters and storms of adversity and disappointment as well as the summer days of pleasure by marriage builders who care.

Building any sound structure means work. Often, as marriage builders you must expect inconveniences and difficulties; unsolved problems and bits of adjustment not yet made part of the structure. Marriage builders will experience backaches and heartaches.
Being Marriage Builders for the Long Haul

A good marriage should be livable. Our fathers were often satisfied with a marriage stalwart enough to stand up during the years. Marriage builders of today demand more. We want our marriages to do more than to shelter and to protect. They should be so designed as to provide ample opportunity for rich and satisfying living.

If marriages are to meet this demand, they must be carefully planned. Such planning requires not only intelligence, but technical knowledge. We shall wish to consult, successful marriage builders.

Benefits of Being Marriage Builders

What do we get for all this? Lots of fun, because marriage building is fun; among the most satisfying of all activities. We get a house of relationships in which to live. It would be easier and cheaper to find some cave of selfishness to occupy. It would be quicker and less expensive to begin with, to throw up some shack of temporary sex relationships. But such expedients could not provide us with a home. And so we will continue to demand habitations of relationships fit for civilized people, because only so can we be most truly human.

As we continue to build our marriage through the years, more and more worth-while developments result. The love with which we started grows richer, and deeper, less explosive, but warmer, steadier, and more delightful. The relationships grow more comfortable. A lessening of tensions makes it possible for us to give more attention to, and enjoy more fully the task of living.

Rather than merely appropriate, marriage builders testify that their marriages grow more delightful, and in some ways, even more glamorous with the years.

Marriage Builders with a Higher Purpose

As marriages deepen, so they also reach upward. Much has been said about the importance of religion to success in marriage and being marriage builders. Too much cannot be said about the contributions of a rich and developing marriage to religion.

In our love within the family we touch the Divine. Through a successful marriage the everlasting purposes of a timeless Eternity emerge as a focal point in time. More and more the tasks of marriage become worship. Its relationships become sacraments. As we continue to build, there emerges something more than a human habitation. Increasingly we find in our marriage a Temple for our souls’ fulfillment in which God has come also to dwell; a house not made with hands, Eternal in the Heavens.

Stay tuned for more discussion about being marriage builders.

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The Value of Good Marriage Communication

Marriage communication is one of the keys to make your marriage a success instead of a divorce statistic. Judged by the rising tide of divorce statistics, it has become increasingly difficult for a young couple to make a success of their marriage. But if you understand the causes for failure and the essentials for success, you need not end up among the failure statistics.  Through good marriage communication your marriage can be a success.

Reasons for Failed Marriage Communication

One reason for failure in marriage communication is the tendency of people to take marriage for granted, like electricity and hamburger stands. Marriage to them is just something you do, like wearing shoes, getting your hair cut, or brushing your teeth. As such, it does not seem to call for any special training or understanding in marriage communication.  Whatever knowledge and skills you may need you can pick up, just as you learned to walk, or get on and off the bus. “Doin’ what comes natcherly” seems to be enough.

Another reason for failure in marriage communication is the tendency to regard marriage as a guest does a prolonged party.  At a party you may have to do a little work as a guest, like getting out the game table and rolling back the rug. But mainly it is an occasion for fun which requires little effort and no special effort or competence. And so people expect marriage to be like that! Isn’t it swell? After you marry you have ready social and sexual access to one you love, without having to worry about competition, or what the neighbors will say.

Marriage Communication and Expectations

In addition to all this heaven, you will, according to the advertisements, have a gleaming modern kitchen. You will have a charming living room, ornamented later on by neatly dressed, attractive and well-behaved children to whom you will come home. You will have all the things so vividly pictured in your dreams.

This picture is not so much false as incomplete.  Marriage is lots of fun. But it is a party in which you are host as well as guest. Therefore it is work and requires positive marriage communication.  It can mean what seems to be an endless round of dishes and diapers. It means bills, worries, and sometimes burdensome debts.  If the relationship between husband and wife is to continue rich and fulfilling, and if their children are to have attractive personalities, marriage means good marriage communication, hard work and almost saintly forbearance.

People who come to marriage as to a party, expecting loads of pleasure at little cost, are likely to feel cheated.  If your marriage is to become a success, rather than a divorce statistic, you must put real effort into it. Yet effort alone will not be enough. You must know what to do, and what not to do, and have the marriage communication skills which are necessary for success.

Intelligent Understanding and Marriage Communication as an Essential to Success in Marriage.

Many people still fail to appreciate the importance of sound knowledge and communication for marital success. This attitude is not new. In earlier times they regarded special training as unnecessary in many areas where we now know that it is essential. The village blacksmith once was the dentist. He did not need any special training. All he needed was what he already had strength and forceps. The barber was the surgeon, as his striped pole still reminds us. The idea that anybody needed anything except “experience” and a few “tips” to be a farmer would have seemed ridiculous.

Become a Marriage Communication Specialist

Today we know better. The physician who treats you, the dentist who fixes your teeth, the pharmacist who makes up your prescriptions, even the salon operator who sets your hair — all must be trained and pass an examination before they are granted a license.

We are coming to see that marriage and good marriage communication is also a serious vocation which requires trained competence for success. If you must have specialized training in order to raise corn and hogs successfully, how much more should you know in order to be successful parents!

Marriage Communication Training

Speaking of marriage communication and training, Judge John A. Sbarbaro in his book, Marriage is on Trial, urges that all couples be required to complete a course in premarital training before they are granted a license to wed. He suggests the inclusion of a study of the economic problems of the family, fundamentals of child psychology, sexual relationships, “in-laws,” the effects of broken homes upon children, and the responsibilities and opportunities of the church and similar agencies in the strengthening of family life. A divorce court judge sees every day that good intentions are not enough! There must be technical, scientific knowledge and good marriage communication.

Such scientific understanding is especially important and difficult regarding the whole matter of love. Through the years there has grown up in our culture, a whole system of beliefs about love. Some contain much truth. Others are partly true. Some of those held most strongly are basically false. One reason why marriages fail is our inability to tell the difference between the fictions and the facts of love.

Check out our other posts to learn more about positive marriage communication.

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The need for Christian Marriage Counseling

Before you marry, you face some of the most interesting questions of your lifetime. They are not all new to you. Ever since you were very young you may have dreamed about the time when you would be grown up and get married. During your first dates you probably secretly wondered what it would be like to be married to this one or that. When you began to go steady with someone you got even closer to the questions of ongoing relationships with a one and only. And now you are closer to marriage than ever.

Been thinking seriously about marriage lately?  Congratulations!  You are embarking upon one of the most exciting and rewarding ventures ever undertaken. Christian marriage counseling can help.  Like most voyages, this one will be more successful if you know what to expect and prepare for it. Just as you get road maps before taking a trip into unfamiliar territory, so you want now to look over the situation in marriage before taking the final step. That is just good common sense and the goal of Christian marriage counseling.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help

Perhaps you have experienced some unfortunate affairs in your dealings with the opposite sex that make you just a little anxious now that you are considering marriage. That is usual.  All of us make mistakes.  No one has a perfect score in affairs of the heart or in anything else.  The important thing is to recover from your past hurts and get things right before the really big test comes along.  So now, especially at the threshold of marriage, you want to ask yourself some questions and get some straight answers.  This is where Christian marriage counseling can help.

Your questions will be uniquely yours.  And you alone will have to face them.  But through the years, other people like you have been asking themselves straight-from-the-shoulder questions as they approach marriage.  Christian marriage counseling has brought together the questions that most frequently haunt couples before they marry. The one hundred and one questions around which the Christian Marriage Counseling Blog is written represent more than twenty years’ experience with thousands of persons approaching marriage.

The questions answered in the Christian Marriage Counseling Blog may not all be pertinent to you, but they are sure to include many of the questions that bother you most.

Not all of these questions have answers.  There aren’t any yes-or-no answers to many of life’s biggest questions.  Sometimes there are not enough facts in yet from research and study to do more than point in the direction in which an answer might be found. Frequently a question can be answered rather definitely out of the scientific studies and clinical evidence that is available.

This Christian Marriage Counseling Blog may be helpful not only for those of you about to marry, but also for your counselors and leaders.  Teachers, friends, and others may find substantial bases for their counseling insights within these pages.

Welcome to the Christian Marriage Counseling Blog, we hope you can gain much from the various subjects that will be covered.  We know there is much to be gained from Christian marriage counseling.

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Therefore one of the best ways to know a person is to know his family. Someone has said, “The best way to pick a wife is to find a happy family and marry any one of the daughters.” So extreme a statement requires qualifications. But even taken literally it would result in a higher degree of success than the methods of choice now usually employed. Here are some further questions you should both ask about each other.

Were your own parents happily married?

Your own home background happy?

In most of the studies which have been made so far, a happy home background stands out as one of the most important essentials for marital success. As Professor Nimkoff says,1 “Happiness begets happiness. It appears that those who are brought up in a happy home come to expect happiness and act in ways which produce it; they have the habits that make for happiness.”

The Burgess and Cottrell study found that when both parties to a marriage come from very happy homes, their chances of making a good adjustment are more than twice as good as when both have come from average or unhappy families. These statistics carry both a warning and a hope. Over ten percent of those from happy homes made poor adjustments, and nearly three-tenths of those from homes not particularly happy made good adjustments. A happy home background does not guarantee success nor does an unhappy home background foredoom you to failure.

If either or both of you come from unhappy home backgrounds, it means, not that you should refrain from marriage, but that you should exercise greater care, and work harder to make your marriage a success.

An important part of the question concerns the happiness of your own childhood. A commonly accepted myth makes childhood the happy period of life. Careful research and clinical experience has shown that the opposite is often true. Many childhoods have been periods of violently resented oppressions and terrifying fears. We know that the basis for personality is laid during the early years. Therefore the happiness of your childhood is one important indication of your chances for success in marriage. Here, again, you are not guaranteed or necessarily doomed. But it is a matter to which you should give most careful consideration.

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A number of marriage counseling tips are available for strengthening marriage relationships. Experienced marriage counselors suggest these as a means of improving your relation with spouse. Marriage counseling tips are pieces of practical wisdom that come in handy to save your marriage.

Lack of communication is the main problem behind most family conflicts. Sometimes your spouse reacts violently and shouts at you. A useful tip in this situation is this – don’t get over-emotional or raise your sound when talking to your spouse. Lowering your voice is the best way to decrease anger. It is a good idea to write a letter or e-mail to your spouse mentioning your questions, requests, and feelings. People who refuse to talk sometimes reply to a letter. You can send your spouse a favorite chocolate or other preferred item along with the letter. Another tip is to make a list of things that should be solved immediately. Check whether your spouse has the same opinion or not. Another constructive marriage counseling tip to save your marriage is – spend more time with your spouse and remember all the fun and enjoyment you had together.

Another useful tip is to look for something to arouse the interest of your spouse. You offer to take the children to a picnic so that your spouse can enjoy some private time to relax or to entertain friends. Yet another tip is to buy a beautiful greeting card and write a note asking if you can find a private time to talk to the spouse. People often have an easier time talking in a restaurant over dinner, because they won’t yell and fight, but rather, will simply talk.

Other useful marriage tips are to show respect for each other at all times, discuss important issues together, and share responsibilities. Marriage counseling tips available abundantly on Web sites. Marriage Counseling provides detailed information on Marriage Counseling, Christian Marriage Counseling, Family Marriage Counseling, Free Marriage Counseling and more. Marriage Counseling is affiliated with Marriage Problems.

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The seriousness of this problem will depend largely upon such factors as the following:

1. The strength of the attachment which each has to his group. If Mary’s crowd is just a group which she has picked up recently in order to have some fun for a time, she may be able to drop them with little concern. Or, if Jim is already beginning to be “fed up” with his group, he may welcome the excuse to let go. But what if Mary has gone with her crowd since early childhood, and their families have constantly moved in the same circles? Or what if Jim finds his crowd his only relief from what is to him the “moronic drivel” of most everyone else? If the attachments of each are too strong and no satisfactory adjustment seems likely, there is a real question as to whether they should marry each other. In any case, the problems and possibilities should be
carefully reviewed in advance.

2. The extent to which social class is involved. If both groups are upper-middle class, for example, that will be one less thing to worry about. But what if Mary’s crowd is upper class with definite status, while Jim’s is a somewhat Bohemian crowd without definite status attachments, who do not “rate?”

3. Behavior standards demanded. What if Jim’s group are strong on Martinis and “broad-minded” regarding personal conduct, while Mary’s group emphasizes physical fitness, temperance, and rather strict standards? I£ they go with either or both crowds, even part of the time, each will be subjected to group pressure to change standards, a situation which could add much to the difficulties of the marriage. The same issue often arises in the conflicts in standards of other groups.

A church group may have quite as much fun, but very different standards and ways of getting it from a “fast” group of another type. If each member of the couple comes from a group whose standards conflict with those of the other group, the problem of social adjustment may prove to be really difficult. It is important that the couple should know the kinds of difficulties which they are likely to run up against, and to have at least temporary policies which they have agreed upon in advance, until more permanent ones can be worked out.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Are you from the same or different social crowds? If both of you are from the same social crowd, you should have little difficulty at this point after your marriage. You may just keep going around with the same crowd, or the married set which has come mainly out of the old crowd.

If you move to another city where neither of you has friends, your problem can be relatively simple. Just establish yourselves as a couple with some crowd you both like. Problems arise when each has been running around with a different crowd to which they have become attached, and after marriage they remain in the same town.

For example, consider Jim and Mary. Mary’s crowd is decidedly the “sporty” type. They swim, sail, play considerable tennis and golf. Their conversations center about horse-racing, ball games, and tournaments. Jim’s group is more the “artistic-intellectual” type. They are interested in novels, plays, paintings, and discuss international and social problems with considerable zeal.

We may well ask why Jim and Mary became interested in each other in the first place. Perhaps each wanted somewhat more variety than he was getting. In any case, here they are, about to marry. They will continue to live in the same town. With which crowd shall they establish their common social life?

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Finally, there is yourself. You may think, in the glow of your fantasy, that love will cover all differences. You will better rely upon intelligent understanding. Because of the particular social class in which you have been brought up, each of you will come to marriage with definite ideas of what constitutes proper conduct and good taste. You are in for some shocks, in any case. But if you come from the same social class, each of you is more likely to behave as the other thinks proper. If you come from different classes, you are each likely to have habits which will add to the difficulties of the marriage adjustment.

In this matter of marrying one from a different social class, we are not saying “don’t.” We do say that it is usually better and possible to marry someone from your own social class and thus save yourselves trouble. If you do select someone from another social class you should both know what you are up against. The best way to know is for both of you to work out the adjustments which will be necessary. These adjustments should be made, certainly before you marry, and if possible, before you become engaged. Economic differences are a special phase of this whole matter of class differences which we shall discuss later.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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The task of overcoming the contrary speech and habits of a lifetime can put a strain upon the whole relationship which may prove more than it can endure. Christopher Morley portrays this vividly in his Kitty Foyle, the story of a working-class girl who finds the adjustments which she would be required to make in order to be accepted by Wyn Strafford’s upper-class family intolerable.

Social acceptability may be important for vocational success. If a spouse is not to be handicapped in landing either jobs or business deals, they both must usually be able to associate with those in his social class as equals. Under some circumstances this may mean being acceptable to the “right” clubs and social groups. Yes, this matter of class is important.
And don’t forget the families.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Yes, we do have social classes here in America. They may not be as clearly defined as they are in England, or in India, but they are here, and they make a real difference in the selection of a life partner. Professor W. Lloyd Warner has classified Americans into three main classes; upper, middle, and lower. These groups show very real differences in such matters as morals, manners, customs, ideas, ideals, speech, political affiliation, and church membership. Class is determined largely by who will accept whom. These distinctions are based mainly upon family. Money makes some difference, but is not most important. The wealthiest are usually not at the top, and the white-collar worker will often rate higher than a better paid manual worker.

Other factors which determine status are vocation, part of the town lived in, respectability, and education. Except for the upper-uppers, these classes are not fixed by birth. Many people are able to pull themselves up a notch, especially from the lower into the middle classes. Occasionally a person steps down a place or two to where the strain is not so great.
Social class indicates how people "rate" in their community. It has little to do with merit or worth. To call a social class higher or lower is not to say that it is better or worse. The "lower" classes are, on the whole, quite as moral and intelligent as those in the "higher" classes. Often they are more personable. Men especially, and sometimes women, may prefer mates from a class "lower" than their own. Yet differences in social class can make a real difference to the success or the failure of a marriage.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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