How much have you been swayed by “minor point” attractions?

In all areas of life, people often choose upon the basis of what is relatively unimportant. In selecting a second-hand car, for example, they may choose one which has serious defects just because they like the looks of the dash, or the color of the upholstery, or the general lines.

There is the old story of the couple who even bought a house in the country because of such minor point attractions. In the moonlight, when they saw it first, it seemed the most beautifully picturesque place they could imagine. Outside was the Old Oaken Bucket hanging in the well. Inside, a huge fireplace took up one end of a large living room, through the walls of which the moon made charming patterns on the floor. Even the sag in the roof gave an appearance of stalwart patience which they felt belonged to the house.

They were as eager to buy it as the agent was to sell. Then they moved in.

They had not expected perfection, but. . . . The lovely fireplace smoked so much as to be almost unusable, yet was the only means of heating the place. Through the holes which had admitted the moonlight also came the rain and cold and snow. The romantic Old Oaken Bucket weighed a ton, and there seemed no way of emptying it without spilling water all over yourself, and it was the only source of water.

By December they could no longer stand it and moved out, which was fortunate. In January the patience of the sagging roof was no longer stalwart, and the whole thing caved in.

“You’re lovely to look at, delightful to know, and heaven to kiss.” So ran a old popular song. A combination like this is certainly desirable. As with a car or a house, nice lines and a good paint job are all to the good.  So also is that lock of curly hair, the charming smile, the way her cute little nose wrinkles when she laughs, and those alluring eyes. But if you allow such minor points to determine your choice, you may, like the couple who bought the charming house, come to grief.

The belief that marriage is a prolonged party may cause us to choose the one with whom we can have the most fun. “I have such a good time with Jim on a date.” “Fred is so upbeat and so exciting.” “Doris is so sparkling and vivacious on a picnic.” “Marian is such a charming hostess.” And so the list goes.

All such qualities are desirable and can add much to a marriage. But they are not enough. If we are employing a woman as an accountant, it is nice if she can write training material and fix the copy machine. But the important consideration is her accounting ability.

So it is with a marriage partner. Many people who are wonderful dates at a dance, or fine companions for a summer vacation are not at all suitable for the long pull of marriage.

In your choice, then, make sure that you are not influenced too much by minor point attractions. How will she be to live with? How well will he wear, year after year? Will you have to carry her when the going gets tough, or will she come through when you are under your greatest pressures? Such are the important considerations in choosing a mate.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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How well do you know each other?

A valid type of love takes time to develop. The Hollywood lover may murmur softly to the girl whom he has just met, “I’ve known you all my life.” But he is following a script, not stating a fact. Really coming to know a person takes time, and lots of it.

Couples advice studies indicate that those couples who have been engaged for two years or longer are most successful in their marriages. And presumably they knew each other for some time before they became engaged.

But time is not the only consideration. Important also is the kind of association which you have had together. George and Mabel have known each other for eight years. But during all this time they have been together hardly twenty times, and all these contacts were at formal parties and dances, where people wear their best behavior as well as their best clothes.

Actually George and Mabel do not know each other nearly well enough to become engaged. By far the best situation for couples is that in which the young people have grown up together from childhood. But this is not for most of us.

The best which most young people can do is a few years of group association. They go around for some time with the same “crowd.” Or it may be that they belong to the same church, the same political groups, or they have gone to school together. Here the important consideration is not merely the time span through which such associations have taken place, but the number and the kind of the associations.

Long Term Couples Advice

What kinds of associations have you had with each other? One of the best ways to get to know anyone is to work with him. By this we do not mean merely to work in the same factory or office. We mean to work with him at the same job.

Tom thought that he knew Violet and Rose fairly well. He had dated them individually several times, and had gone to many parties and activities with them. But not until he worked with them on the school paper did he really get to know them.

In a job like this you cannot stay on your good behavior for long. In order to turn work out, you must relax and be yourself. One Friday when the printer failed to get his copy out for the paper due Monday, Tom saw two personalities whom he had never known before.

The Rose wilted, cried, and went home with a headache. The Violet, however, refused to shrink. She said some things over the phone that would not have been printable. Then she collected Tom and two other boys, and they visited the printer. They stayed there together until the copy was finished and the presses ready to roll the first thing Monday morning. The old adage should be changed to “You never really know a man or woman until you have worked with them under pressure.” You who are becoming mutually interested; how well do you really know each other?

Read some of our other posts for more couples advice.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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When is comes to getting advice on relationships, how well do you understand the fictions and facts about love?

Most people take it for granted that love is the one thing which really counts in choosing a life partner. “Do I love him?” or, “Do I love her enough?” Many young people believe that the answer to these questions should settle the matter of marriage. Bill might make a far better husband, but if Jill loves Jack more than she loves Bill, she will marry Jack.

In many other cultures, and at other times and places, the idea of what is most important in marriage has been quite different. Before we assume that our ideas are correct, or even better, we should ask ourselves how we have come by them.

So far as we as individuals are concerned, the answer is not difficult.  When giving advice on relationships we believe that love is the crucial matter in marriage because this idea has been drilled into us from childhood.  The media is partly responsible; most plots are so organized in movies and television. For example, parents who object to the love choices of their children are made to appear selfish and wrong.

Such considerations as differences in family or social position are made to seem unimportant. When young people defy their parents or their traditions and marry for love, we applaud. The picture has been so produced as to make us feel that we should. It might have been so developed as to give the opposite impression.

The novels and stories which most of us read present the same general point of view. The girl is sometimes represented as engaged to some nice, respectable person whom she does not love.  So that we will not like him, he is portrayed as intolerably stuffy. Therefore when she runs off and marries the man she really loves, often at the very last minute, we feel that she has done the right thing. The general idea often is that a husband should be someone glamorous and exciting.

Advertisements help to hammer the same idea home. In the soap operas, love and happiness are presented as the only things in marriage which are worth while.  Many other ads play up the same idea. Love and glamour – these are the important considerations, so we are told.

Of course the movies, stories, and ads present this point of view because it is in line with what we already believe, and want to keep on believing.  Back of it all is the very powerful force of public opinion. The fiction is accepted because that is the way marriage choices seem to work out in real life.

For example, there was Cousin Gussie. All the family thought that her marriage was a mistake. But when she explained that he was the man she loved, that seemed to settle the question for everyone. Our friends have made what have seemed to others very peculiar choices. But we all seemed to feel that if they were really in love, there was nothing else for them to do.

These love matches did not always work out very well. Even in the stories, the glamorous Romeo, whom the girl left all to marry, was sometimes presented as little more than an attractive and exciting tramp. After the marriage he may desert her and their children and leave them without financial or emotional support for months or even years at a time. Yet, according to the fiction, despite all these hardships, the girl had done the only thing she could do; marry the man she loved.

These strange and often tragic choices are often explained on the basis that love just doesn’t make sense anyway.  Love is supposed to be some strange mysterious Something which nobody can understand. The only way you can tell it is by the way you feel when your heart goes bumpity-bump, and all that. Furthermore, there doesn’t seem to be anything you can do about it. It just IS, or IS NOT. You cannot make yourself love another, no matter how eager he may be to marry you, or how good a husband he would make.

On the other hand, when it does hit you, you are a goner. Cupid just sneaks up on people, twangs his bow, and before anybody knows it, they are hooked, regardless of how suitable the marriage may or may not be. Such is the fiction upon the basis of which so many young people select their marriage partners. Now let us look at some of the facts.

One of the most inescapable facts is the extent of marriage failure. Hundreds of thousands crowd our divorce courts, often bitter and disillusioned.  Yet, these same people were quite as much in love with each other as most young people are at the time of marriage. Obviously something is terribly wrong with this idea that marriages should be based upon feelings of love which people have toward each other.

Even more conclusive evidence is to be found in the speed with which these romantic ideas die out for most people after marriage. Think of the people whom you know who have been married for ten years or more. How many of them still have this romantic glow which is supposed to be the very purpose of marriage?

More on these facts and advice on relationships in the next post.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Relationship Stages for Couples

5 Stages of Committed Relationships
By Sarah Schultz

Have you ever wondered:  Why is our relationship so hard?  Things were so perfect when we first met – what happened?  Most likely, the answer is that you’ve left the first stage of your relationship, and have moved into another.  But could it really be that easy?

Yes!  Most people understand that relationships grow and change over time… but what many people don’t know is that they tend to evolve in the same way.  There are specific, defined stages of long-term relationships, which offer new feelings, new challenges to overcome, and new opportunities for growth.  And if you want your relationship to evolve into one of mutual respect, love and intimacy, it’s likely that you’ll have to experience all of the following relationship stages at some point or another.  Take a look at the description of each phase – do any of this sound familiar?

Before we get started, you should know that most people experience these stages in this order, and will need to resolve the challenges in each stage before they can move successfully on to the next.  Of course there are always exceptions to this rule.  But for the most part, you can’t get out of experiencing all of these stages if you want a healthy and fulfilling relationship.  Every couple will move through these stages at different speeds, and most people will experience each stage more than once – it is common to fluctuate from one stage to another.

Okay, now that I’ve given you the basic info, let’s dig a little deeper….

5 Relationship Stages

Relationship Stage 1 – The Romance Stage

This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years.  This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing.  You can’t get enough of each other.  Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other… mainly because you’re both still on your best behavior.  The focus in this stage is on commonalities – you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person!  You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible.  Conflict is seen as “bad” in this stage, and is avoided at all costs.  You can’t imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible.  This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love.  You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow.  There are biological effects as well.  When you’re in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that “head over heels in love” feeling!).  This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons.  Bottom line – you are happier than you’ve ever been, and can’t imagine ever feeling any differently.

Relationship Stage 2 – The Disillusionment Stage

This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase.  This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!).  You get to know each other more and more, and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings.  You see your partner in relaxed situations, and you become more relaxed as well.  Since your body cannot possibly continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it was in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to decline.  Your partner’s little habits aren’t quite as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance Stage that you’re willing to overlook them.  This stage can start to trickle into your relationship slowly, as you begin to see your partner for who s/he really is.  Or sometimes it happens all of a sudden, when there has been some sort of dishonesty or deceit.  This phase can be confusing and discouraging, since you’ve just experienced so much openness and connection in the Romance Stage.  However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.

Relationship Stage 3 – The Power Struggle Stage

This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or Distress Stage.  As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify, they become harder and harder to deal with.  You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage.  At this point, you both still believe that conflict is a “bad” thing, but you are increasingly aware of your many differences.  You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result even small annoyances become big issues.  This is the stage where you define unacceptable behavior, and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship.  More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can’t be trusted.  Deep resentments begin to build if you’re unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way.  Many couples get stuck in this stage, because this way of interacting becomes normal in their relationship.  This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively – to communicate and work together as a team, even though it’s tempting to believe that your partner’s sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult.  Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce.  However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they’ll move on to….

Relationship Stage 4 – The Stability Stage

This is a restful and peaceful time, compared to the last stage.  This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage.  Some couples never make it to this stage, but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner.  You now have history together, and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship.  As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn’t perfect, but your personal differences aren’t quite as threatening as they used to be.  You’re able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you become more confident in the relationship.  Some people feel a sense of loss in this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they truly are, since this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early on in the relationship.  But for the most part, the deepening sense of friendship and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement.  This is also when you begin to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were given up in the Romance Phase.  There is some danger that you may begin to drift apart from or become bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase.  Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.

Relationship Stage 5 – The Commitment Stage

This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase.  It is estimated that fewer than 5% of couples actually make it to this stage, according to The Relationship Institute.  This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore… yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of those things).  You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you’ve chosen them, which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared.  If you’ve made it to this stage, you and your partner are a team.  You genuinely love your partner, and you look out for their best interests just as much as you look out for your own.  Your partner is your best friend.  There are few surprises about your partner’s habits or character in this phase.  You’ve collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction.  Your vision for your relationship is in congruence with who you are and what you both truly want.  You have discussed your future together – you have similar life goals, and you feel encouraged to define your relationship further.  Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment to each other in this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship.  This is the stage in which your relationship becomes a true partnership.

About the author:  Sarah M. Schultz, MA, CPC is a certified Personal Development Coach in Park City, UT.  Sarah coaches quarter lifers (adults in their 20s and 30s) who want to create meaning and passion in their lives by building lasting committed relationships, creating a fulfilling work/life balance, and
managing the stress of major life transitions.  Receive your free copy of her Special Report: “Five Steps to Creating a Life You Love!” on her website at: http://www.newheightslifecoaching.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sarah_Schultz http://EzineArticles.com/?5-Stages-of-Committed-Relationships&id=528343

Check out our other posts for more informaiton on relationship stages.

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