Possible suitability – In this classification we have those who are good material, but not suitable for this particular young man. If he were to marry such a person, the relationship would be a serious strain upon them both. Yet they could, if they were willing to pay the price, stick it out. Many couples have. They have nothing against each other. They are just not happy together. And yet for the sake of respectability, or the children, or religious convictions they stick it out. We shall not here say whether they are right or wrong. But certainly those who are not yet married should use every precaution to avoid marrying a person, however suitable for someone else, with whom married living would be a heavy strain.

Basic unsuitability. Success in marriage requires certain character and personality qualifications. Those who lack this minimum could not live successfully as married partners with anyone. Some of these essentials are well understood. Our young man is not likely, knowingly, to marry a crook or a tramp. But other types of unsuitability he may understand less well. The girl who pouts so cutely, who is unusually appealing, may actually be an emotional infant who never has grown up, or never can.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Unusual Suitability

Here is something much more possible. Where there were only about a dozen girls who would be ideal, there may well be a thousand or so who would be unusually suitable for his particular personality. Most of these he would, of course, have no opportunity of meeting. But if he lived in a town of any size, there might well be one or two within range. Even then he might not get to meet her, or would find that someone else had beaten him to it. Or he might pass over unusual suitability for more superficial and temporary attractiveness. We are dealing here with something which for a few is within the range of possibility. For most it is unlikely.

High Suitability

By this we mean a person who would be well adapted to a happy and satisfactory relationship.
Here is something which is beginning to be really possible. Let us assume that our young man lived in a town in which there were about a thousand available girls. Of these, none would be ideal, and only two or three would be unusually suitable. But of this number there might well be some twenty or thirty who would be highly suitable for him.

None of these might be in his high school or social group, or belong to his church. To find a highly suitable mate might require careful and extensive search. One way of doing this would be to find the particular groups and activities to which such a person would naturally be attracted. If he lived in a small town, he might have to move to where the chances for selection were better, not necessarily a larger place, but a different kind of place.

Suppose that the man would be best suited by a quiet homebody who would be a loyal, stable, and efficient spouse, and willing to bear children. Such a man might well find a better selection in a small Iowa town than in Chicago or New Orleans. Not everyone could, by searching, find someone of high suitability who would be willing to marry him. But for many, high suitability is a real possibility if they are willing to make the effort.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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There are perhaps a dozen girls in all the world with any one of whom marriage to this particular young man would be ideal through the years. It would be far from “perfect.” Even in the best possible marriage he would not be happy all the time. There would be, depending upon his and her temperament, a certain amount of clash and conflict. And the always pleasant, sweet-tempered girl might prove far less enriching and enjoyable than the one who, because she had a mind of her own, could bring a certain spice and zest into the relationship.

The chances of our young man marrying this ideal mate are almost nil. With only a dozen or so possibilities in the whole country he would not likely ever meet one of them, partly because one would live in Kalamazoo, another in Boston, another in Sacramento, and another on the other side of town. In the second place, if the one chance in ten million actually happened and they did meet, he would probably not even recognize her, and she might not accept him.

The qualities which attract young people in their twenties and cause them to “fall in love” with each other are often very different from those which can bring enduring satisfactions. Our young man would probably pass over this “ideal” for him in favor of someone with a cute nose, or “come hither” eyes. In all the course of history, ideal unions have doubtless actually taken place. Perhaps the Curies and the Brownings approached it. But the possibilities of any young person finding and selecting a best possible mate are so slight that they may be disregarded.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Some people, because of character or personality defects, ought not to marry anybody. We shall leave a discussion of this problem for another time. We will assume that you are both sufficiently developed for marriage, and could make a success if you married a right person. You now face the question, “Are we right for each other?”

Note that we have said a right person, not the right person. The notion that there is and can be only one right person is obviously nonsense. If either of you had been born a century ago you could never have met, and even if you came from a different town, or a different part of the town, you might never have met. If one or the other of you had been born a few years earlier or later, you probably would not have been interested in each other matrimonially if you had met.

Actually there are probably many persons, with any one of whom you could be happily married. Yet not all of these would be equally suitable. The best way to review this problem is to have in mind a suitability scale. Everyone comes to marriage as a particular kind of person, with a particular kind of background, interests, ideals, desires, tastes, and needs. Because he is the kind of person he is, not every worthy person of the opposite sex would be suitable.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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A group of young men coming out of a movie house agreed that the actress whom they had just seen starred was one of the most luscious creatures in the world. In discussing some of the implications of her attractions one of them suddenly remarked, “Do you realize that five different men have actually been married to her, and none of them wanted to keep her?”

If sex appeal were the most important consideration in marriage, the Hollywood marriages would be outstandingly successful. There is probably more sex appeal there than in any marriages anywhere in the world. Yet they are notoriously unstable. Obviously, something more than sex must be added.

Recent studies in psychology have given us a partial answer to this puzzle. We have now learned that sex can be continuously satisfying only when and as it involves the response of total personalities to each other. Men soon tire of women, however beautiful they may be, unless the relationship is basically personal. Here are some of the places where sex attraction can lead astray.

Young men of high ideals may become attracted sexually to certain girls. Such desires may become so strong that they will propose marriage to girls who are quite unsuitable for them, because only so can they satisfy their sex desires without violating their consciences.

Other men, not so high in ideals, become obsessed with a desire for sex relationships with attractive girls whom they cannot “make” outside of marriage. Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind married Scarlett O’Hara because he could not get her without marriage. Both these situations present the real danger that, once the desire has been satisfied either within or outside of marriage, the man loses interest.

If you are a girl whom men find unusually attractive, you have a special problem at this point. It will be difficult for both you and them to know whether what they feel toward you is substantial enough to sustain a sound marriage or, because it is primarily physical, will prove to be only a passing fancy. Your best safeguard is the character and integrity of the man.

You can tell this in part by what he cares about. If he cares about ideals, if he is concerned with making the world a better place, he may be a good risk. On the other hand, if he claims to be interested only in you, do not be flattered; be warned.

This world of ours is an extremely interesting place. It has also become so dangerous that we had better be interested in making it reasonably safe. The man who claims to be interested only in a girl is either a liar, or so deficient in development that he ought not to marry anybody.

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Do you feel that you must hurry, lest you be “left on the shelf?”

It is quite natural that your relatives, and especially your parents, should be interested in whom you marry. It is proper that they should propose possibilities and, within reasonable limits, even to campaign for them. They will do it, anyway. But do not let them, or anyone, push you into a marriage for which you are not ready. Above all, beware of the girl friend who tries to give you the impression that you have “led her on,” and that, therefore, it is now your duty to marry her. The main difference between altar and halter is H.

On the question of taking your opportunities while you have a chance, it is difficult to give wise advice. Certainly it is unwise to marry just because everyone else is doing it, and you want to be in the swim. Some people, too, are willing to accept almost anybody for fear that otherwise they may be left on the shelf. On the other hand, some are so particular that they pass up, to their undying regret, the chance to marry really good people because they hope for some Prince Charming of their imaginations who will never come. That, also is too bad. Do not let it happen to you.

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Were you ever engaged before? How many times, and how recently? Have you suffered any bitterness or humiliation?

Life often brings difficult and sometimes humiliating experiences. We are rejected by our crowd. We break with our own family. We lose our job. Other events come which make us discouraged, embittered, or frightened.

In such times it is quite natural for us to want the love and security which a good marriage can bring. The emphasis here should be on a good marriage. The danger is that we feel that almost any marriage will bring us the support we wish, and act hastily and unwisely.

Remember, marriage is not a hospital, or even a convalescent home. It brings not only additional joys, but also additional burdens. If you have been badly hurt, wait until you have recovered before taking on its responsibilities.

Be especially careful if you have recently been disappointed in a previous relationship. It is a difficult experience to be jilted, especially after we have been “all set.”

We may want desperately to “show our friends,” and to reassure ourselves. If your engagement has but recently been broken, wait until the hurt has had time to heal fully before you commit yourself again. Or, if you are suddenly urged to rush into marriage by someone who has but recently been jilted, review the situation with especial care.

Make sure that he or she wants you, rather than just anybody to marry. Beware of the person who has been engaged several times. There is probably something which needs to be straightened out before marriage should be attempted. You may want to get expert counseling in such a case.

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Does the other remind you strongly of some dear relative or friend whom you once loved? To what extent has this influenced your choice!

“And when I gazed into her eyes, then I knew,” whispered Phil. Phil was brought up by an Aunt Clara, whom he adored. Andria was about Aunt Clara’s height, and her gestures were strikingly similar. When she spoke, Phil heard the same soft, well-modulated voice which he had come to love as a child. No wonder that he was interested in Andria as soon as they had met.

On their first date he noted around her eyes the same cute wrinkles he had loved in his aunt. And in Andria’s eyes was the same shade of greenish-blue.

To Phil it was love at first sight; a mysterious Act of God, who intended that they should marry. Actually, it was Phil’s love for his aunt which Andria’s similarities stirred up in Phil with overwhelming compulsion.

Phil’s imagination did the rest. He naturally felt that Andria must have the same simple integrity, the same gentle patience and the same unselfish love as had Aunt Clara. How could Phil know, or even believe that Andria was selfish, spoiled, and something of a cheat?

Yet he did have sense enough to know that one must be especially careful about “love at first sight.” With the help of a wise counselor he began to see the reasons for his feelings. As he became aware of Andria’s physical resemblances to his aunt, and saw their relationship to his love, his feelings changed. Andria was no longer even mildly interesting to him.

Such extreme cases may be rare, but less extreme ones are common. Many young people have been considerably influenced to choose one person rather than another because some look or gesture reminded them of a loved one. Have you considered the possibility of such influences in your choice?

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Has this eagerness made you feel love for unsuitable persons because you could get them?

Getting married is, and should be, a romantic and thrilling adventure. The excitement of getting ready, the wedding in which you are the center of attention, the thrill of establishing a new and intimate relationship with another person; these rightly have great appeal.

When June comes and you see so many of your friends getting married, and there is someone special whom you like and who wants to marry you, it is quite a temptation! No wonder that under such circumstances some people feel that they are in love.

The danger is that such marriages may end up as “roller coaster” marriages. They are highly exciting at first and for a brief time. But the couple ends up at the bottom with a thrill which is past. Those who are rather lonely and hungry for love must be especially careful about this.

The love which they think they feel toward a person may really be a love for the excitement of getting married. Even when there are other bases, this love for a thrill may be enough, in combination with other motives, to push us into a marriage which is not for the best. All should watch out for this temptation!

Christian Marriage Counseling

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How much has sex desire influenced your choice?

A group of young men coming out of a movie theatre agreed that the actress whom they had just seen star in the show was one of the most luscious creatures in the world. In discussing some of the implications of her attractions one of them suddenly remarked, “Do you realize that five different men have actually been married to her, and none of them wanted to keep her?”

If sex appeal were the most important consideration in marriage, the Hollywood marriages would be outstandingly successful. There is probably more sex appeal there than in any marriages anywhere in the world. Yet they are notoriously unstable. Obviously, something more than sex must be added.

Recent studies in psychology have given us a partial answer to this puzzle. We have now learned that sex can be continuously satisfying only when and as it involves the response of total personalities to each other. Men soon tire of women, however beautiful they may be, unless the relationship is basically personal. Here are some of the places where sex attraction can lead astray.

Young men of high ideals may become attracted sexually to certain girls. Such desires may become so strong that they will propose marriage to girls who are quite unsuitable for them, because only so can they satisfy their sex desires without violating their consciences.

Other men, not so high in ideals, become obsessed with a desire for sex relationships with attractive girls whom they cannot “make” outside of marriage. Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind married Scarlett O’Hara because he could not get her without marriage. Both these situations present the real danger that, once the desire has been satisfied either within or outside of marriage, the man loses interest.

If you are a girl whom men find unusually attractive, you have a special problem at this point. It will be difficult for both you and them to know whether what they feel toward you is substantial enough to sustain a sound marriage or, because it is primarily physical; will prove to be only a passing fancy. Your best safeguard is the character and integrity of the man.

You can tell this in part by what he cares about. If he cares about ideals, if he is concerned with making the world a better place, he may be a good risk. On the other hand, if he claims to be interested only in you, do not be flattered; be warned.

This world of ours is an extremely interesting place. It has also become so dangerous that we had better be interested in making it reasonably safe. The man who claims to be interested only in a girl is either a liar, or so deficient in development that he ought not to marry anybody.

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