Those who are called into the armed forces, or take certain jobs in industry, do not always have to be skilled in the work which they will be called upon to do at the time of enlistment or beginning a job.

Many things we can learn on the job or by special training. People do have to be sufficiently developed and mature so that they can follow through with the training and the discipline which may be required.

So it is with marriage.

Getting married is not like starting out on a picnic. It means taking over a real job. You will not have all the skills which it requires to begin with, nobody does.  But you both should be sufficiently “grown-up” so that you can learn the skills as required, and discharge the responsibilities which the new relationship demands.

Over time you will be amazed how your abilities increase as you and your spouse grow and mature.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Shopping Resources

Technorati Tags: Marriage Preparation, mature marriage

Figure it this way. If you marry you may have a baby within a year, whether you now plan it that way or not. Are you ready to accept a baby if it should come, regardless of your present plans? Do you now have the discipline and maturity which caring for a baby requires? If not, you are not yet old enough to marry.

Here is what you are up against. However carefully you may plan to avoid children during the first years of your marriage, and however well-informed you may be on how to do it, slips do occur. A second possibility is that you may change your mind. Some couples find so much happiness and joy in their marriages that they scrap their plans and decide to have their children right away. You, also, may feel, “Everything is so wonderful. Why should we wait for our babies?”

Being old enough means, first of all, physical maturity. You are not likely to have any trouble here. A few couples marry knowing in advance that it will never be possible for them to have children. These are special cases to which our discussion does not apply. The bride for whom motherhood is a reasonable expectancy should be sufficiently developed physically to be able to bear children with reasonable safety.

Couples are more likely to be too young at the point of personality and emotional maturity. Taking care of a baby requires developed and disciplined responsibility. If you still want to play around all the time and would resent being tied down, you are not yet ready. It is certainly all right for the married couple to want to continue to enjoy dances, parties and other social festivities after marriage. The question is, “Could you give them up without undue strain, if you had to?”

Remember, taking care of a small baby is often an around-the-clock job. Even with the help of your mother and baby sitters, you will be tied down closely for some time. Your day of social fun may not be over, but it certainly will be different. Could you both take it if necessary?
How can you know? Certainly love of good times does not necessarily indicate a lack of discipline.

Madge Brown was always chasing around, apparently without a serious thought in her head. But after she married and had her baby she became not merely a devoted, but a highly satisfied mother. On the other hand, Priscilla seemed to be the quiet, responsible type. Yet she deserted both her husband and her ten-month-old baby.

In evaluating yourselves on this matter of discipline, ask yourselves such questions as the following:

Have we a good record for following through on our responsibilities? If either or both of you has a record of ducking responsibilities, letting other people do most of the work, pushing off jobs on others, better wait. If, on the other hand, you both see through anything you undertake, this is a favorable sign.

Can you both stand on your own feet? Those who must still be taken care of, whether economically, emotionally or physically, are not old enough for marriage. On the other hand, the girl who can organize and promote parties successfully may well be ready for the job of organizing and running a home with a baby in it.

Finally, not only can you, but do you want to assume the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood? Many young people who have come through well when the test came still wish that they had waited just a year or so longer, and enjoyed the freedom and lack of responsibilities of single life just a bit more, before stepping off into the different realm of marriage.

Successful parenthood requires sufficient emotional maturity so that your influence on your children will be good. We do not expect parents to be perfect. They should be grown-up enough so that they will not have to take their own negative feelings out on their children too much. How much is “too much,” and what being emotionally mature means, we shall discuss more fully in a later posts.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: marriage and parenthood

In the eyes of most people, this question will apply mainly to the man. In our culture, the husband is expected to earn the living for himself, his wife, and their children. At one time it was believed that any man “worth his salt” could provide adequately for his family. Poverty in a family in which there was an able-bodied husband was regarded as the result of shiftlessness and laziness. We now know better.

Due to circumstances beyond the control of any individual, such as bad business conditions and recessions, able and competent men may be unable to secure employment. This possibility is a risk which anyone who marries must be willing to take. The couple should demand of the prospective husband only that he should be able to hold down a suitable job, if one is to be had.

Exceptions to this rule can safely be made, also, for those who are in training, including students, even though at the time of marriage they are not yet earning a living.  The idea of what constitutes a suitable living will vary with the individual. Florence was brought up in a fairly well-to-do family. She has been used to having almost anything she wanted without question. Her boy friend, Jeffrey, is a fine man but without especial abilities or ambitions.

He will make a good, steady husband, and will earn enough to supply a family modestly. He will never be able to earn the kind of money which Florence will demand. Her father could give Jeffrey a well-paying position in the firm. But he could not do the work satisfactorily. He would either have to live on a kind of charity, or face frustration and defeat.

They were both wise in seeing the situation, and calling the whole thing off. Tom, another friend, could earn what Florence requires. But he wants to become a college professor, and would not be happy doing anything else. So neither of them will let things go too far. They may be genuinely fond of each other, even to the point of love, but they both understand that marriage to each other is not in the picture.

There is yet another aspect of her vocational situation. In an increasing number of households wives work outside the home to help with the family income. Problems connected with this situation will be discussed more fully in future posts. Furthermore, the young mother should be able, in case of the death of her husband, to earn a living for both herself and her children. In most cases the amount of insurance will not be more than enough to keep the family going until she can adjust herself and find suitable employment. Every young person, male or female, married or single, should be able to earn a living.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: marriage finances, Marriage Preparation, mature marriage

Peggy was attractive and amazingly skilled in developing convincing “hard luck” stories. In consequence she was able to “mooch” quantities of clothes and considerable money from kind friends. Yet she was always destitute. If she had money, she was without sales resistance and bought anything which attracted her. Hence she was always “broke.”

She never could be kept in clothing. Whenever she got anything new she wore it at once, even to work in the garden, or walk in the rain. When it became soiled or torn a bit, instead of cleaning or repairing it, she would throw it out. Then she would either dress in the rags which she had left, or “mooch” something more.

In the matter of money and property, Peggy was still a little girl and despite her twenty-five years, unready for the responsibilities of adult life in marriage. In this same category we should include also the “easy-come, easy-go” group; people who earn plenty of money but never have any.

Gamblers and “dead beats” and others always looking for ways to pick up easy money which does not have to be earned, and “escape artists” who are always just about to do something big which they never accomplish, likewise illustrate an immature irresponsibility which shows lack of readiness for marriage.

It is not always fair to blame such people, any more than we would blame a ten-year-old boy for being unable to do a man’s work. But whether or not irresponsible people are to blame, they certainly are not ready for marriage.

At this point we wish only to summarize the essentials for marriage. Before you marry you should make sure that:

1. You can keep your own clothing and other things neat, clean, and in good repair.
2. You are a good credit risk. Buy only what you can afford, and accept full responsibility for your debts and other financial obligations.
3. Under ordinary circumstances, you can live within your income, no matter how small it may be.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: marriage and finances, marriage and money, money management

If the man is about the same age as, or somewhat older than the girl, there will be no especial problem of age suitability.  If the girl is slightly older there will be no especial problem unless one or the other feels sensitive about it. The only question then will be, “How do they feel about it?”

As people grow older, age differences become less important. Other things being equal, there will be less difference between a woman of fifty and a man of seventy, than between a girl of twenty and a man of forty.

When one is relatively young and the other as much as twelve years older, the couple should carefully review the following problems:

There may be real differences in their interest in physical activities. If the man is the elder, this may not be too important.

A greater problem will be the stage in which their interests happen to be. Younger people often want to spend time at dances, parties, night clubs, and similar activities. When people become older such activities are far less attractive and may, if indulged in too much, become boring. If the husband is considerably older and he and his wife do what he wants, she may miss out on a phase of her experience which, rightly or wrongly, she may always regret.

If they do what she enjoys most, he is being dragged through the same experiences twice, perhaps after he is eager to go on to something else. A compromise may work out. On the other hand, it may result in a type of social life which is satisfactory to neither of them.

A deeper phase of the same problem concerns one’s attitude toward life. To those of less experience the problems of life seem much simpler than they actually are. Young people are quite likely to feel that the older generation must be fools, or they would long since have abolished war, poverty, industrial strife and mosquitoes.

Older people, on the other hand, often find the enthusiasms of youth amusing. They may tolerate them in their children, but do not want them in a spouse. If the age difference is so great that the wife regards her husband as an old fogy, and the husband thinks of his wife as a simple child who spends too much effort and time in things that do not matter, the situation is not favorable to a successful marriage.

Yet the fact that a marriage is risky does not necessarily mean that it should not be attempted. Since in most parts of the country a desirable man can usually find a girl who is about his own age to marry him, he rarely need risk the greater chance. But the girl is often less favorably situated. In many instances, if she does not take an older man, she may feel that she will not be able to find one who is suitable at all.

Furthermore, other considerations may make the older man far preferable to someone who is younger. One young lady of twenty-five who was marrying a man twice her age strongly stated that she would rather marry a first-class man of fifty than a third-rate man of thirty. There could be other advantages to such a union. The girl who marries an older man has a better chance of knowing what she is getting.

In any case, the most important consideration is not age, but maturity. Younger people who are more mature than most of their contemporaries may actually find an older mate to be more congenial. Yet a preference for a much older mate should be scrutinized with great care. The danger is that the older person is psychologically a substitute parent, rather than a mate.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: age difference in marriage, marriage age

Are you close enough in age to each other for marriage?

For youth should not mate with age.
Her beauty was sold for an old man’s gold,
She’s a bird in a gilded cage.

So ran a popular song of an earilier era. In most marriages the man is somewhat older for well-known reasons. Girls usually mature physically and socially from two to three years sooner than boys. Some men do not feel ready to assume the financial responsibilities of marriage until after they have become established in some business or profession, which may require some years.

Most men, even those who are older, find younger women more attractive. So naturally the girls do not want to wait.

Nearly eight out of ten men marry women who are from two to three years younger than themselves. What of the marriages of those who do not? Interestingly enough, the Burgess-Cottrell study indicated that cases in which the wife was older than the husband showed a higher than usual proportion of good adjustments, as did those in which the husband was eight or more years older.

Yet these same marriages showed also the highest proportion of poor adjustments. Terman found that the happiest group of husbands had wives twelve or more years younger, but that the happiest wives were from four to ten years older than their husbands.

Yet the happiest couples were those in which the husband was from three to five years older. So you figure it out.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: age difference in marriage, marriage age

Like most intelligent young people you have gone beyond the stage where you believe that good intentions and sentimental feelings are enough. You know that success in marriage means having what it takes to do a good job. A part of your problem concerns your own readiness for marriage. Here are some questions you should ask your¬selves.

Are you both old enough to marry?

This question is not answered easily. How old is “old enough?” People vary a great deal in the ages at which they become mature. A few exceptional people might be ready for marriage in their teens. Others are much too “young” at thirty. In our discussions here we shall not concern ourselves with the rare exceptions at either end of the scale. We are concerned with the vast majority of young people.

How old should people be before they marry? A good approach is to find out how old people are when they actually do marry. In our country, the age of most men today at the time of first marriage is about twenty-four. Their brides are slightly over twenty-one. Contrary to popular opinion, people of today are not older, but younger at the time of marriage than they were fifty years ago.

Men of today marry about two years earlier, and girls about six months earlier than did their grandparents. Yet in all times there is a wide difference in the ages at which people marry. College graduates, and those who enter the professions, usually marry considerably later than the rest of the population.

Having considered briefly the ages at which people do marry, let us now consider the ages at which they should marry.  One of the first studies of this subject, made many years ago, presented some interesting conclusions. The investigators suggested that the groom should be at least twenty-four, and preferably twenty-nine, and the bride at least nineteen, and preferably twenty-four.

Later studies by such investigators as Terman and Burgess and Cottrell have modified these conclusions somewhat. They indicate that teen-age marriages are the least successful. They suggest that marriage in the early to middle twenties is desirable. These conclusions find substantial support from other sources. Child-bearing is easiest and safest in the early twenties, although modern science has made it increasingly safe for all ages.

The Kinsey studies indicate that men reach their peak of sex desire well before twenty, so that the postponement of marriage places a strain upon those who observe traditional moral standards. Yet emotional maturity and economic competence take time to develop. And if marriage is to represent a complete fulfillment of the love relationship, emotionally as well as physically, the couple should wait for marriage until they are fully ready.

For most couples the best age for marriage seems to be from the early to the middle twenties.
Remember, however, that you are not a statistic, or even two statistics. You are you. The question is not, “What is the best age for young people to marry?” but “What is the best age for you to marry?” The best way to decide is to look at what marriage involves, and then try to see whether or not you have what it takes.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: Marriage Preparation, mature marriage

Success in marriage depends largely upon having sound and constructive attitudes toward love. Such understandings are difficult for Americans, especially because of the fictions which they have been taught since childhood, and which are supported by movies and other influences.

Actually, the love upon which so many base their marriages is one or a combination of the following:

1.    The appeal of the romance and adventure of marriage itself

2.    The response to a person who reminds them of someone whom they have loved

3.    The desire to escape from an unhappy situation

4.    Consolation for failure or disappointment

5.    Social pressures and/or the fear of being “left on the shelf”

6.    Sex desire

7.    Some minor point of attraction

Such forms of love are not false or fictitious. They are very real. Often they are intense enough to give a person an overwhelming feeling of certainty. Some of them, as nos. 1, 6 and 7 have a proper place in marriage. Their danger is that they are superficial. No one of them, nor all of them together, are strong enough to constitute the foundations of successful marriage. Yet they deceive people who believe that “love is enough” into choosing unsuitable mates.

Love which can make a marriage rich and worthwhile must be far deeper. It must be based upon such things as common interests, ideals, values, and goals which involve worthy purposes. A common desire to develop children is among the strongest and most important of these common goals. Such a love is not something which you “fall in” before you marry.

It is rather, something which you build together through the years. Those who have found the sounder bases for love may expect that the thrill, glow, and romance of their marriage will increase with time. The richest joy of marriage comes from a relationship with each other which constantly develops and matures. The deepest and most abiding love is that which has become an expression of all life’s experiences and meanings for you both.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: Marriage Preparation

Have you discussed the matter of having children sufficiently so that you understand each other? Have you reached an agreement satisfactory to both?

You will not settle all the details of this problem in advance. Couples sometimes plan for nine or so children, and later, by mutual consent, settle for a more modest number. But if either of you has a strong feeling against having any children at all, the other should clearly understand this before you become engaged.

We do not say that a person who objects to children should not marry. We do say that any such attitude means something, and you both should find out what it means before you become engaged.

What will you do if you are unable to have children? Here are some possibilities which you should know about, and might consider together.

1.    In many large cities there are fertility clinics. If you find yourselves unwillingly childless, your first step is to go to one of these. You ought to know in what cities they are to be found, and what they can do for childless couples.

2.    Would you accept artificial insemination? In some instances, only the husband is sterile, or the couple is sterile only to each other. When that is the case a physician is often able to impregnate the wife artificially. In such cases, both should be willing and the husband may have to sign adoption papers. Here is a possibility upon which you should come to some understanding before you marry.

3. What about adoption? This is not as simple as it may sound. Many more couples want children than there are children available for adoption. You may have to wait many lonely years. Your chances for adoption are usually better if you will take an older child, rather than demand a baby. Before you marry you should discuss your attitudes toward adoption. You should know also the main possible sources for children, and something of how you go about adopting a child.

For most couples, children constitute the main justification for marriage, the main goal of its endeavors, and the strongest bond which holds the marriage together. Therefore you should go over the matter of children with great care. Read widely. Ask advice of those in a position to know. Study, visit, and investigate. You cannot give the matter too much attention. For in your children will largely be the fulfillment of yourselves as well as of your marriage.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: children, Marriage Preparation

Are you actively related to some organization or group interested in making the world a better place?

Here the word “active” is important. Merely having a nominal membership or making a small donation is not enough. For despite the disunity which may result from differences regarding the support of “worthy causes,” the concern which these represent is of great importance to the success of the family itself.

To begin with, activity in a common cause which they earnestly share can be a powerful bond uniting the couple more closely. We know that men in the same combat unit, such as a bomber crew, quickly develop amazingly strong feelings of attachment for each other. Few things weld people together as strongly and as closely as fighting side by side against a common foe for a common goal.
 
LOVE   AND   SUCCESSFUL   MARRIAGE

In the second place, social concern is an indication that you can rise above the small, selfish interests which threaten a marriage. The man who is vitally interested in a better city government is not likely to spend too much time being suspiciously jealous of his wife.

The woman who is fighting for better schools will be less likely to feel resentful toward her husband because he does not bring her presents all the time. Those who are willing to make real sacrifices for ideal ends are certainly interested in something beyond themselves. And such a concern for others is among the most im¬portant character essentials for success in marriage.

Finally, an active social concern is essential to the job of being a good homemaker. It sounds very well to say, “My job is not to go running around to all kinds of meetings. The best way I can contribute to a better world is to stay home and do a good job with my own family.”

But what is “doing a good job?” Is it spending all one’s time in washing walls and cooking fancy dishes? Your family does not exist in a social vacuum. It is part of a community, of a social and economic system. Unless this larger setting is healthy, you may not be able to “do a good job.” The lady who resented a donation to the Better Government Association felt quite differently about it when her own daughter was robbed—a crime which greater police efficiency could have prevented.

Those who stay home and pay no attention to economic reform may feel quite differently about it when a depression comes which puts the husband out of a job. We live in what is, in some respects, an evil and a dangerous world. We cannot put out a fire or prevent world conflagration by staying home and minding our own business.

The gangs in the neighborhood, the condition of the government and the schools—these are the business of parents, far more than running a vacuum cleaner and frying chicken. Nor is it enough merely to check evils. We must also participate in the intelligent planning and creative building of the future.

People are rightly committed to great social and religious purposes, and to the programs and institutions which bring these to pass. The couple which works together for a better community is not driving a wedge of separation between themselves. They are forging a powerful bond of unity. Parents in the thick of the fight are doing more than helping protect their children.

They can also make them strong. For safety in our kind of world is best achieved not through shelter, but through active understanding. One of the best services which parents can render their children is to open the windows of their homes and let the world, with its evil and its good, flow through.

Christian Marriage Counseling Blog

Technorati Tags: common interests, strong marriages