What will make the choice of a social crowd important or unimportant?

The seriousness of this problem will depend largely upon such factors as the following:

1. The strength of the attachment which each has to his group. If Mary’s crowd is just a group which she has picked up recently in order to have some fun for a time, she may be able to drop them with little concern. Or, if Jim is already beginning to be “fed up” with his group, he may welcome the excuse to let go. But what if Mary has gone with her crowd since early childhood, and their families have constantly moved in the same circles? Or what if Jim finds his crowd his only relief from what is to him the “moronic drivel” of most everyone else? If the attachments of each are too strong and no satisfactory adjustment seems likely, there is a real question as to whether they should marry each other. In any case, the problems and possibilities should be
carefully reviewed in advance.

2. The extent to which social class is involved. If both groups are upper-middle class, for example, that will be one less thing to worry about. But what if Mary’s crowd is upper class with definite status, while Jim’s is a somewhat Bohemian crowd without definite status attachments, who do not “rate?”

3. Behavior standards demanded. What if Jim’s group are strong on Martinis and “broad-minded” regarding personal conduct, while Mary’s group emphasizes physical fitness, temperance, and rather strict standards? I£ they go with either or both crowds, even part of the time, each will be subjected to group pressure to change standards, a situation which could add much to the difficulties of the marriage. The same issue often arises in the conflicts in standards of other groups.

A church group may have quite as much fun, but very different standards and ways of getting it from a “fast” group of another type. If each member of the couple comes from a group whose standards conflict with those of the other group, the problem of social adjustment may prove to be really difficult. It is important that the couple should know the kinds of difficulties which they are likely to run up against, and to have at least temporary policies which they have agreed upon in advance, until more permanent ones can be worked out.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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It might be better if all who married were required to be without living relatives. But since this does not seem feasible, the continued interest of the families is a fact which must be taken into consideration. Remember that neither you nor your parents can act toward each other as if they had not brought you up. And if Uncle Bill and Aunt Sue had fingers in the pie of your development, even emotionally, neither can they. If you can live far enough away from all relatives, you may be safer. But in these days of rapid communication, even this may not be enough. The attitude of your families toward social class is one factor which you must, by all means, take into consideration.

Finally, there is yourself. You may think, in the glow of your fantasy, that love will cover all differences. You will better rely upon intelligent understanding. Because of the particular social class in which you have been brought up, each of you will come to marriage with definite ideas of what constitutes proper conduct and good taste. You are in for some shocks, in any case. But if you come from the same social class, each of you is more likely to behave as the other thinks proper. If you come from different classes, you are each likely to have habits which will add to the difficulties of the marriage adjustment.

In this matter of marrying one from a different social class, we are not saying “don’t.” We do say that it is usually better and possible to marry someone from your own social class and thus save yourselves trouble. If you do select someone from another social class you should both know what you are up against. The best way to know is for both of you to work out the adjustments which will be necessary. These adjustments should be made, certainly before you marry, and if possible, before you become engaged. Economic differences are a special phase of this whole matter of class differences which we shall discuss later.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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If an upper-class boy marries a girl from a lower class, she may be accepted by his group. But if so, she must be willing to learn and to adopt the speech and many of the mannerisms and etiquette of his class. For a bright middle-class girl, this may not be difficult. She may be able to pick it up merely by being alert. But for a lower-class girl it can be difficult. Remember Shaw’s Pygmalion, and the terrific struggle of the poor girl from the slums who was being taught to talk and act like a duchess? How can one learn in a short time, what one born in the class took many years to acquire?

The task of overcoming the contrary speech and habits of a lifetime can put a strain upon the whole relationship which may prove more than it can endure. Christopher Morley portrays this vividly in his Kitty Foyle, the story of a working-class girl who finds the adjustments which she would be required to make in order to be accepted by Wyn Strafford’s upper-class family intolerable.

Social acceptability may be important for vocational success. If a spouse is not to be handicapped in landing either jobs or business deals, they both must usually be able to associate with those in his social class as equals. Under some circumstances this may mean being acceptable to the “right” clubs and social groups. Yes, this matter of class is important.
And don’t forget the families.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Are you from the same social class? What difference does it make?

Yes, we do have social classes here in America. They may not be as clearly defined as they are in England, or in India, but they are here, and they make a real difference in the selection of a life partner. Professor W. Lloyd Warner has classified Americans into three main classes; upper, middle, and lower. These groups show very real differences in such matters as morals, manners, customs, ideas, ideals, speech, political affiliation, and church membership. Class is determined largely by who will accept whom. These distinctions are based mainly upon family. Money makes some difference, but is not most important. The wealthiest are usually not at the top, and the white-collar worker will often rate higher than a better paid manual worker.

Other factors which determine status are vocation, part of the town lived in, respectability, and education. Except for the upper-uppers, these classes are not fixed by birth. Many people are able to pull themselves up a notch, especially from the lower into the middle classes. Occasionally a person steps down a place or two to where the strain is not so great.
Social class indicates how people "rate" in their community. It has little to do with merit or worth. To call a social class higher or lower is not to say that it is better or worse. The "lower" classes are, on the whole, quite as moral and intelligent as those in the "higher" classes. Often they are more personable. Men especially, and sometimes women, may prefer mates from a class "lower" than their own. Yet differences in social class can make a real difference to the success or the failure of a marriage.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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John believed strongly in the church, attended its services regularly and worked hard in its activities. Mabel belonged to the same denomination, but preferred to sleep or to go on trips Sundays. He resented her indifference. She put constant pressure on him to skip church and be with her on Sundays. The marriage of each would have been happier if they had selected someone more congenial at this point. But where church is important to both husband and wife, the chances for success are considerably increased.

On the other hand, Frank was a Catholic and Susan a Baptist, but neither of them cared about church or had attended for some time. They were married by a Justice of the Peace. After their marriage each continued to stay away from different churches, just as they had before. Their families made no attempt to interfere. Their religious differences caused little difficulty.

If the couple are from different religious backgrounds, then, they should come to a clear decision on the following points:

Who, if either, will change his church relationships? If neither changes, where will each attend church, if at all? In what church, if any, will the children be reared? Will we consult our relatives and friends beforehand?

The time to go over all such questions and make your decisions is not merely before the wedding, but before you become engaged. And through it all, keep in mind the following question: “Since (in most cases) there are so many fine young people of my own group, why do I have to go outside it to find a life partner? Why add to my difficulties and increase my risk of failure?”

When young people deliberately select their mates, instead of just falling in love with someone who happens to be around, there will be fewer occasions for the difficulties and risks of interreligious marriages.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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“I’m marrying him, not his church.” You may think so, but you may find out later that you are terribly wrong. Some religious groups believe that they have not only the right, but the duty to interfere in the married lives of their members. In the baptism of the children, in the religious instruction and church relationships of the children, and in any matter regarded as related to morals, such as Sabbath observance or birth control, some church groups intrude actively and often with serious results. Furthermore, the church is not just an organization. For Mary and Jim it is also Momma, Poppa, Uncle Jim and perhaps some old friends who can and often do bring considerable pressure to bear.

Remember, too, that many parents give up their children with considerable reluctance. Religious differences give them a very satisfactory excuse for continuing their hold upon their children. It is no wonder, then, that breakups in inter-religious marriages were shown by one study to be two-and-a-half times as great as when the marriage was with one of the same faith. Those who contemplate marrying across religious lines should carefully stop, look, and listen before proceeding.

Although, as we have seen, the difference here is likely to be cultural, it may also be religious. Neither of these situations will contribute to the harmony of the marriage. The cultural aspects of the problem, as we have seen, complicate the alliance still further.

Intermarriage may lead to strenuous efforts at conversion. The whole family or even the whole church may join. Differences in what is regarded as right and wrong—involving Sabbath observance, dancing, and similar conduct, can lead to serious friction. Even within one’s own denomination, serious religious cleavages can result which threaten the marriage. Such possibilities should be considered carefully.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Are you from the same cultural group? If not, is it safe to go ahead?

For reasons which we will not here discuss, groups from northern Europe are generally regarded by Americans as having the same general culture. Marriage with them constitutes no special problem. The American who marries a Dane, for example, even one who speaks little English, risks nothing more serious than a bit of good-natured joshing. But our attitude toward those who come from other parts of Europe is quite different. Young people who face the question of cultural intermarriage should ponder the following:

1. The most serious issue which the young couple face is acceptance by their families and friends. Each couple must reach their own decision on the basis of their particular attitudes and situation.

2. For the couple themselves, the main problems of adjustment may lie in the group customs of their backgrounds. Can a couple stand each others customs? This may depend largely upon their own temperaments. These are points which they should carefully consider before they marry.

Intermarriage between people of different religions constitutes a particularly difficult form of this problem. The major problem is often cultural, not religious. The “non-member” of the couple may find himself vigorously rejected by some. Before deciding, here are some considerations which the couple should most carefully examine:

a. Much depends upon the attitudes of the families and friends in the particular situation. If those who are related
to the marriage are intelligent, liberal, and eager for better cultural relationships, the marriage may be able to withstand the pressures and difficulties. But if both or even one social group is bigoted, the young people may be better off seeking some one from their own cultural group.

b. In some instances they might solve the problem by identifying themselves with some special group in which cultural differences were ignored.

When two persons from different cultural backgrounds are becoming interested in each other, all such possibilities should be thoroughly examined. They should come to definite agreements on specific policies before they decide to marry. Such policies may have to be changed in the future. But if carefully considered they can be of utmost value in helping the young couple decide whether or not they should take the risk. For in cultural as in other matters, it is safer and usually less difficult to marry someone from your own group.

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Marrying someone from another racial group?

The whole subject of interracial marriage involves strong emotional tones and many misconceptions. Therefore we must begin by a clear statement of important relevant facts:

i. Racial differences in abilities and character are results of environment and conditioning. They are not inborn. If we wanted to, we could take all our people over five feet ten inches in height and make a separate group out of them. We could call them by some special name, such as “Gigants.” We might even convince ourselves and them that they were a different “race.” Then, by treating them differently, we could actually make them different from the rest of us. If we denied them equal educational advantages and kicked them around enough, we could prove by scientific tests that the Gigant was intellectually inferior, more criminally inclined, and more sexually lax. “Would you want your daughter to marry a Gigant?” Actually it would be as absurd to talk about “the” Gigant (as though all of them were essentially the same) as it is to talk about any racial or ethnic group.

2. Social attitudes, however misleading or false in themselves, are realities of vital importance in the selection of a life partner. Let us see how this works out in this matter of interracial marriage.

It sometimes happens that persons of different races fall in love with each other. There is nothing unnatural about this. “It can happen here”—to anyone. What about marriage? Marriage can be made exceedingly difficult by the culture in which we live. Why?—not because one or the other person is racially inferior, for this is not true. But because love between two persons is never the only basis for successful marriage. The social situation has to be taken into account. The two will have to go to great pains to foresee the problems in which marriage would involve them, and it is especially important to consider the children that may come to them. In the face of these considerations, the two young people may conclude that marriage for them is not wise.

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Why is a similarity of social background so important in marriage?

On one point practically all studies of success in marriage agree. The more similar their social background, the greater chance a couple will have for success, and the easier and happier will be their adjustments. The problem can be likened, in some respects, to that of language. You might associate for a time with someone speaking another language just because you found it interesting, or because you wished to learn their language. But in permanent association the problems of adjustment will be much easier with your own group.

For example, if a large number of men speaking different languages were to get jobs in which they must work together, it will be easier on all concerned if each elects to join those of his own language. The Spaniard who chooses to work with a Spanish-speaking group does not thereby imply that he thinks his language is better than French, or Russian, or Chinese. He merely means that he will have a less difficult time, and be under less of a strain if he and those with whom he works speak the same language. So it is with marriage. For this is a job which often puts those who work together at it under considerable pressure.

The more they can speak the same language in their backgrounds and standards, the more satisfactory will be the relationship and the better job they will do. Your own group may not be better than other groups, but it is usually better for you.

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If our young man is reasonably normal himself, there are many girls with whom he could get along well. While only two or three percent of the girls of his community might be highly suitable, ten to fifteen percent might be well suited to him. He has a good chance of finding one such in his own high school class or church, or among his immediate acquaintances. He may have to go outside his own group. But his chances of finding someone of good suitability who will accept him are excellent. No man alert and interested enough to read this should be willing to settle for anything less.

Reasonable suitability. Most normal people could get along with most other normal people of their own culture reasonably well. Evidence for this is to be found in the low divorce rate which prevailed in this country until the last few decades. As we have pointed out, for most young people in this country during its first century, choice was decidedly limited. Yet because of this very fact, both of the couple usually came from essentially the same cultural background. Therefore the chances for reasonable suitability were high. Add to this the rather limited expectations which each had of the other, and we see an important contributing cause to marital stability.

If he would drop his expectations sufficiently, our young man might find over half the girls in his own social group to be reasonably suitable. They might be a bit boring and dull. But if he demanded no more than did his ancestors, he could get along fairly well. The trouble is that today both he and his mate demand much more than reasonable suitability. They expect highly satisfying personal relationships. Rightly or wrongly, most marriages today will not “get by” with reasonable suitability.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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