The Value of Good Marriage Communication

Marriage communication is one of the keys to make your marriage a success instead of a divorce statistic. Judged by the rising tide of divorce statistics, it has become increasingly difficult for a young couple to make a success of their marriage. But if you understand the causes for failure and the essentials for success, you need not end up among the failure statistics.  Through good marriage communication your marriage can be a success.

Reasons for Failed Marriage Communication

One reason for failure in marriage communication is the tendency of people to take marriage for granted, like electricity and hamburger stands. Marriage to them is just something you do, like wearing shoes, getting your hair cut, or brushing your teeth. As such, it does not seem to call for any special training or understanding in marriage communication.  Whatever knowledge and skills you may need you can pick up, just as you learned to walk, or get on and off the bus. “Doin’ what comes natcherly” seems to be enough.

Another reason for failure in marriage communication is the tendency to regard marriage as a guest does a prolonged party.  At a party you may have to do a little work as a guest, like getting out the game table and rolling back the rug. But mainly it is an occasion for fun which requires little effort and no special effort or competence. And so people expect marriage to be like that! Isn’t it swell? After you marry you have ready social and sexual access to one you love, without having to worry about competition, or what the neighbors will say.

Marriage Communication and Expectations

In addition to all this heaven, you will, according to the advertisements, have a gleaming modern kitchen. You will have a charming living room, ornamented later on by neatly dressed, attractive and well-behaved children to whom you will come home. You will have all the things so vividly pictured in your dreams.

This picture is not so much false as incomplete.  Marriage is lots of fun. But it is a party in which you are host as well as guest. Therefore it is work and requires positive marriage communication.  It can mean what seems to be an endless round of dishes and diapers. It means bills, worries, and sometimes burdensome debts.  If the relationship between husband and wife is to continue rich and fulfilling, and if their children are to have attractive personalities, marriage means good marriage communication, hard work and almost saintly forbearance.

People who come to marriage as to a party, expecting loads of pleasure at little cost, are likely to feel cheated.  If your marriage is to become a success, rather than a divorce statistic, you must put real effort into it. Yet effort alone will not be enough. You must know what to do, and what not to do, and have the marriage communication skills which are necessary for success.

Intelligent Understanding and Marriage Communication as an Essential to Success in Marriage.

Many people still fail to appreciate the importance of sound knowledge and communication for marital success. This attitude is not new. In earlier times they regarded special training as unnecessary in many areas where we now know that it is essential. The village blacksmith once was the dentist. He did not need any special training. All he needed was what he already had strength and forceps. The barber was the surgeon, as his striped pole still reminds us. The idea that anybody needed anything except “experience” and a few “tips” to be a farmer would have seemed ridiculous.

Become a Marriage Communication Specialist

Today we know better. The physician who treats you, the dentist who fixes your teeth, the pharmacist who makes up your prescriptions, even the salon operator who sets your hair — all must be trained and pass an examination before they are granted a license.

We are coming to see that marriage and good marriage communication is also a serious vocation which requires trained competence for success. If you must have specialized training in order to raise corn and hogs successfully, how much more should you know in order to be successful parents!

Marriage Communication Training

Speaking of marriage communication and training, Judge John A. Sbarbaro in his book, Marriage is on Trial, urges that all couples be required to complete a course in premarital training before they are granted a license to wed. He suggests the inclusion of a study of the economic problems of the family, fundamentals of child psychology, sexual relationships, “in-laws,” the effects of broken homes upon children, and the responsibilities and opportunities of the church and similar agencies in the strengthening of family life. A divorce court judge sees every day that good intentions are not enough! There must be technical, scientific knowledge and good marriage communication.

Such scientific understanding is especially important and difficult regarding the whole matter of love. Through the years there has grown up in our culture, a whole system of beliefs about love. Some contain much truth. Others are partly true. Some of those held most strongly are basically false. One reason why marriages fail is our inability to tell the difference between the fictions and the facts of love.

Check out our other posts to learn more about positive marriage communication.

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User Ratings and Reviews

2 Stars Remember, it’s a subjective opinion
You have to remember that this book, like all LDS books is simply the subjective view of the authors – not church doctrine. It covers what the authors want to cover, and their opinion is no more valid, or no more ‘doctrine’ than my opinion or your opinion. So take it for what it is, you can’t criticize it for what it doesn’t include as it is not the definitive instruction from the brethren.

If you read the book ‘And they were not ashamed’ by Laura M. Brotherson And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment – another LDS book on sexual relations, you will find views and advice that directly contradict that given in this book (eg on ’self touching’ during intimacy and on oral sex). Of course, Laura’s book is also a personal, subjective view but in my opinion (again personal) provides a much more frank and realistic insight into this important subject.

What’s important when writing a book like this is that the authors state completely and regularly that what they are writing is their view. There are too many church members (in MY view, Lamb and Brinley included) who express their personal views and interpretation as though it is doctrine. I personally think it’s unfortunate that Lamb and Brinley make a veiled reference to oral sex because this has clearly led to confusion. Whether or not the instruction in the letter they refer to is still applicable or not, the current church policy is that it is down to the couple to determine what is and isn’t appropriate and leaders do not in any way dictate this.

5 Stars Excellent Pre-Marriage Material
I am LDS and my bishop gave me this book before my marriage. I found the book to be an easy way to approach this serious subject before marriage with someone else who was may be shy to discuss intimate things openly. I specifically liked the section about the purpose of the honeymoon.

I think the people who complain that the book labels oral sex as unnatural and against LDS doctrine, are the LDS members who are guilty of it and don’t want to admit that their behavior is against church teachings.

1 Star Between Husband and Wife
Does little more than admit that a husband and wife should have sex. Still very conservative. Not much helpful information.

4 Stars Good book, but not doctrine
Notwithstanding the severe hatred that some of my fellow readers seem to harbor for this book, in truth it can be a very helpful and educational for those of us entering marriage that are “naive” to matters of sex. Before I get too far into it, I personally know Dr. Brinley and have taken a class at BYU entitled “Marriage Prep” which was fantastic. I do, however, fear that the stance of the book taken on certain topics was not completely accurate. However, I also never felt that topics such as female orgasms were portrayed as negatively as some would have you believe. In fact, during his class he was quite clear that satisfying your wife was just as important as your own pleasure. Unfortunately, the subject of “unnatural” sex  is not discussed clearly, and I do believe the implied views are inaccurate because I’ve yet to hear clear guidance on the subject from actual Church leaders (at least not from this century). In fact, from what I’ve understood, the church specifically avoids answering these questions because, as the book says, it’s between Husbands and Wives.

In conclusion, don’t let the extreme negativism persuade you against reading this book if you really need help understanding yourself and the opposite sex. It was an excellent aid for me and my wife and I believe it encourages sex between couples much more than some critics would have you believe. Do remember, however, that this is NOT doctrine, and these are only the educated opinions of “professionals.”

4 Stars Inspiring and full of information
If you are looking for a book which frankly discusses human intimacy for those of faith who are seeking to figure out where the worldly ideas of it and God’s diverge, this is a great book to help you in that quest. It provides a perspective that is rare today.

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What sports and amusements do you enjoy together?

We start with this, not because fun is too important, but because it is what so often first brings the young couple together. A boy and a girl find that they like to swim, play tennis, and go to shows together. This is a fine start, and some of these activities can be enjoyed together for many years. But physical activities can do no more than to give the initial push.

As people grow older their physical energies diminish. They become interested in other things. And in any case, marriages are not mainly recreation. Therefore it is essential that the couple consider other interests which will hold up better under the long pull.

What intellectual or cultural interests do you have, such as music, drama, literature, painting, or history?

This list may seem to be of possible interest only to highbrow intellectuals. Yet many people of little formal schooling have developed considerable interest in, and taste for good music and art. Other people have less pretentious hobbies, such as woodworking, dog breeding or clay modeling.

Every family should have at least one amateur photographer. Some of these interests may be related to a vocation.

Frank had a very real interest in his garage work. The girl whom he finally married developed a very profitable, but no less real interest in raising chickens.

It is not necessary that both husband and wife have the same interests. In some ways, their relationships will be more fruitful if one specializes in one thing and the other in another. Then by sharing, they can both have a broader development.

It is important that they do have interests. The person who has interests is more interesting as a person. The wife who spends considerable time in her garden and really tries to do a good job, may prove far more attractive to her husband than if she spent the time in a salon.

Furthermore, interests which seem quite divergent can often be shared in most valuable ways. Cathy was a research physician and Alex a sculptor and painter. When she wrote a book on a technical medical subject, he illustrated it.

One need not be a specialist in the field of the other. A couple needs only interests to share, and interest enough in what the other is doing to make possible the sharing. A young couple will rarely know in advance just what and how their interests may later develop. They should be able to tell, however, the extent to which either or both is alive to any part of life which is beyond themselves.

But if you discover that one or both of you has no significant interests, what then? Your answer will depend upon what you want from each other. Some men, often because they feel inferior, want a wife who will be little more than an appendage to the household and otherwise be as colorless as possible.

Likewise, some wives will want husbands who will provide reasonably well financially, but who otherwise will trouble them as little as possible. We shall not here pass judgment upon such persons. We shall say only that if this is what either or both of you want, you should both know it and face fully what it means.

But if you want your marriage to be a rich companionship, real interests are essential. Marry a person without hair, teeth, fingernails, or a nose, but not one without interests.

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In giving advice for marriage let us now consider what some of these facts are.

Advice for Marriage Fact One: Love is not any more strange and mysterious than many other human experiences. Actually there does exist a real and growing body of scientific knowledge about it. We know a great deal about the nature of love, why it hits the way it does, and why it can or cannot stand up under the long pull of marriage.

Anything is mysterious; the rising and setting of the sun, the circulation of the blood, or changes in the weather – all are strange and mysterious to those who lack scientific knowledge about them. Many who drive cars have only the slightest idea of what goes on under the hood, or what to do if the car refuses to start. Why people suddenly become ill, or are suddenly hit by a pain at the back of the neck, may be as complete mysteries as the sudden coming of love.

But as our knowledge grows, all such experiences become increasingly understandable. In love as in health, you can tell little by the way you feel. The man in terrible pain may have only simple indigestion which will cure itself, while the man who feels nothing wrong may suddenly drop dead of heart failure. Those who feel most sure of their love are often the poorest marriage risks. Having a healthy marriage, like having a healthy body, calls for the best scientific knowledge we can get.

Advice for Marriage Fact Two: There is not just one, but there are many forms of love. The man who is not well may use just one word to describe how he feels. He may say that he feels sick. The medically trained man knows that although many forms of illness may feel alike, actually they represent many different kinds of diseases which are quite different from each other.

So it is with love. There are many forms of it. Those in love may feel quite similar to those whose love is of a very different type. Actually, however, one form of love may be quite unlike another.

Some forms of love are essential to successful marriage, or even to successful living. Other kinds of love are forms of selfishness. For example, we say that we love oranges. The orange would not think so. We destroy it for our pleasure, and then throw what is left in the garbage. Sometimes we love people in the same way – even our own children. We get what we want out of them, often regardless of their wishes or best interests.

Sometimes young people love and want to marry, mainly because they want to get something out of the other, not because they desire his good. Yet this selfish kind of love may look and feel just like any other kind. Not all forms of love are good and sound. Some forms should be warning signals, rather than bases for marriage. The important question is not, “Do I love him enough to marry him?” It is rather, do we feel the kind of love toward each other upon which a marriage can successfully be built?

Advice for Marriage Fact Three: The richest, deepest, and most permanent forms of love are those which we build over the years. So you are in love. You feel a warm, romantic glow toward each other which you do not feel toward anyone else. Grand. The love which you feel toward each other may be honest and true. If you marry, it will give you a good start.

But the love which will make your marriage most worth-while, which will not only endure but grow through the years, is not this romantic kind. It is the richer, deeper kind which comes from Having with another who is in a true sense a life partner; one with whom you have in common the basic purpose of building a family together; someone who is going your way. Only such a love can really meet your needs. Only such a love can weld your marriage together so that it can easily withstand the storms and stresses which pull against it.

The romantic form of love may be able to give you some thrilling experiences for a few weeks, or even a few years. Only this richer form of love can make the latter part of your life richer, and in a sense, more romantic than were the first years. And this love is not anything you can fall into. It must be built.

Read some of our other posts for more advice for marriage.

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