Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling

The question of marriage with those who have physical disabilities presents a special problem with which we shall not be concerned here. Furthermore, those who may require some physical help may otherwise be unusually self-reliant and far less helpless in the total marriage relationship than some of the able-bodied. 

We recognize, too, that girls who are actually competent and able sometimes play the “helpless” role because they feel that it will make them more appealing to men. Our concern here is with the competence of those without physical disabilities.

As we have indicated, marriage is not a prolonged party, but a serious job involving real responsibilities. Being ready for marriage means, first of all, that you can take care of yourself. For various reasons, people may reach adulthood still unable to take care of themselves.

Others, wishing to be “big, strong men,” or wanting to give some man just the “mothering he needs” find such helplessness appealing, especially if the helpless are “cute” or make them feel important. Such marriages are dangerous, not only because people usually get tired of carrying others on their backs, but also because we lose respect for the able-bodied helpless.

By helplessness we do not mean the absence of any particular abilities and skills. The bride may face a stalled car in hopeless resignation, and the groom may have not the slightest idea what to do with an uncooked steak. Few of us have at the time of marriage all the skills and abilities which would be desirable.

Here we mean a general attitude of lying down before most situations and expecting others to assume full responsibility for almost everything. We do not blame people for such a lack. They may be deficient through no fault of their own. Neither do we imply that they are incurable.

They may be incompetent because they have always had servants or indulgent parents to do
everything for them. In time they might learn to stand on their own feet. We do say that as long as they are not able to take care of themselves adequately they are not ready for marriage.

Success in marriage requires not only the ability, but a willingness to do a fair share of the work. Dolly and Harold were practically engaged until they were together for several days at a house party in which the work was divided up among the group. Harold proved to be a past master at being somewhere else when there was work to be done, or getting someone else to do his work, or appearing to be very busy while doing nothing.

She had no desire to be a squaw for the rest of her life, doing all the work while her lord lolled in idleness. So marriage with Harold was “out,” and Dolly was grateful for the experience which had given her ample warning. Any person who habitually leaves most of the work to others is not mature enough for marriage. A person ready for marriage enjoys responsibility, and willingly accepts his share of the load.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: Marriage Preparation, mature marriage

In all areas of life, people often choose upon the basis of what is relatively unimportant.

In selecting a used car, for example, they may choose one which has serious defects just because they like the looks of the dash, or the color of the upholstery, or the general lines. One couple even bought a house in the country because of such minor point attractions.

In the moonlight, when they saw it first, it seemed the most beautifully picturesque place they could imagine. Inside, a huge fireplace took up one end of a large living room, through the walls of which the moon made charming patterns on the floor. Even the sag in the roof gave an appearance of stalwart patience which they felt belonged to the house. They were as eager to buy it as the agent was to sell. Then they moved in.

They had not expected perfection, but. . . . The lovely fireplace smoked so much as to be almost unusable, yet was the only means of heating the place. Through the holes which had admitted the moonlight also came the rain and cold and snow. By December they could no longer stand it and moved out, which was fortunate. In January the patience of the sagging roof was no longer stalwart, and the whole thing caved in.

“You’re lovely to look at, delightful to know, and heaven to kiss.” So ran a popular song. A combination like this is certainly desirable. As with a car or a house, nice lines and a good paint job are all to the good. So also is that lock of curly hair, the charming smile, the way her cute little nose wrinkles when she laughs, and those alluring eyes. But if you allow such minor points to determine your choice, you may, like the couple who bought the charming house, come to grief.
 
The belief that marriage is a prolonged party may cause us to choose the one with whom we can have the most fun. “I have such a good time with Jim on a date.” “Fred is so fun and so exciting.” “Doris is so sparkling and vivacious on a picnic.” “Marian is such a charming hostess.” And so the list goes.

All such qualities are desirable and can add much to a marriage. But they are not enough. If we are employing a girl as a typist, it is nice if she can select drapes and arrange flowers tastefully. But the important consideration is her typing skill. So it is with a marriage partner. Many people who are delightful dates at a dance, or fine companions for a summer vacation are not at all suitable for the long pull of marriage.

In your choice, then, make sure that you are not influenced too much by minor point attractions. How will she be to live with? How well will he wear, year after year? Will you have to carry her when the going gets tough, or will she come through when you are under your greatest pressures? Such are the important considerations in choosing a mate.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: choosing a spouse

A valid type of love takes time to develop. The Hollywood lover may murmur softly to the girl whom he has just met, “I’ve known you all my life.” But he is following a script, not stating a fact.

Really coming to know a person takes time, and lots of it. Studies indicate that those couples who have been engaged for two years or longer are most successful in their marriages. And presumably they knew each other for some time before they became engaged.

But time is not the only consideration. Important also is the kind of association which you have had together. George and Cathy have known each other for eight years. But during all this time they have been together hardly twenty times, and all these contacts were at formal parties and dances, where people wear their best behavior as well as their best clothes. Actually George and Mabel do not know each other nearly well enough to become engaged.

By far the best situation is that in which the young people have grown up together from childhood. But this is not for most of us. The best which most young people can do is a few years of group association.

They go around for some time with the same “crowd.” Or it may be that they belong to the same church, the same political clubs, or they have gone to school together. Here the important consideration is not merely the time span through which such associations have taken place, but the number and the kind of the associations.

What kinds of associations have you had with each other? One of the best ways to get to know anyone is to work with him. By this we do not mean merely to work in the same factory or office.

We mean to work with him at the same job. Tom thought that he knew Violet and Rose fairly well. He had dated them individually several times, and had gone to many parties and activities with them. But not until he worked with them on the school paper did he really get to know them.

In a job like this you cannot stay on your good behavior for long. In order to turn work out, you must relax and be yourself. One Friday when the printer failed to get his copy out for the paper due Monday, Tom saw two personalities whom he had never known before.

The Rose wilted, cried, and went home with a headache. The Violet, however, refused to shrink. She said some things over the phone that would not have been printable. Then she collected Tom and two other boys, and they visited the printer.

They stayed there together until the copy was finished and the presses ready to roll the first thing Monday morning. The old adage should be changed to “You never really know a person until you have worked with him/her under pressure.” You who are becoming mutually interested; how well do you really know each other?

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: choosing a spouse

The trains came and the trains went on through Smallville, but Susan never went anywhere except to visit her aunt and uncle who lived in the same kind of small town about fifty miles down the line.

Oscar was a nice boy with whom she had gone through high school. She liked him, and he was really interested in her. But if she married him, what could that bring her? Oscar was working in his father’s store, which some day he would take over, and they would be stuck in Smallville all their lives.

But Jerry was something different. Jerry was a counselor in a boy’s camp, whom she had met at a dance one Saturday night. She had been dating him on his nights off ever since, for Jerry was not like the hicks in Smallville. He was from Big Town. If she married him she would live where things were really going on; could go to the theatre where big stars played in person, shop at really big stores, and mingle with real crowds.

Susan knew little about Jerry except that he had a fast line, a citified manner, and a job in the Big City. But since she was in love with him, wasn’t that enough? Or was she only in love with the possibility of getting out of Smallville?

How often is this “love” which some feel the desire to get away from a quarrelsome, bickering family, a dominating mother, or a tight little office in which one feels stifled? It is understandable that people should strive to get away from that which annoys them, although the basic reasons for the annoyance may be in themselves.

When you marry you assume responsibilities; you do not escape them.

A good marriage will mean that life will be much richer and more worth-while, but it will not be easier. Marriage creates as many problems as it solves. The success of your marriage will depend upon what you are getting into, not what you get away from.

Christian Marriage Counseling | Marriage Builders | Marriage Communication

Technorati Tags: marriage to get away, reasons to marry

Christian Counseling That Really Works Compass Therapy In Action

Christian counseling, compass therapy, self compass, pastoral counseling, biblical counseling, Dan Montgomery, counseling techniques, personality, chaplaincy, counseling theory, compass model, personality theory

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Excellent framework for effective therapy
This book introduces the reader to the compass model and how to use it to zero in on exactly where a counselee is having problems. The compass theory is easy to understand and to apply in its basic form. Author Dr. Dan Montgomery has developed this technique and shares it with Christian Counselors as an effective counseling tool. Dr. Montgomery is well respected among his peers and has held a license as a Psychologist and Marriage and Family Therapist for over twenty-five years. He has taught at the Pepperdine University Graduate School of Psychology, the United States International University, and the University of New Mexico. His work and techniques are praised by the likes of the Yale Divinity School, Princeton Theological Seminary, and Fuller Theological Seminary.

In the book Dr. Montgomery covers the basics of the Compass system, the anatomy of a counseling session, dealing with the counselee’s image of God, and using metaphors and symbolization in therapy. Appendix I provides basic commentary on twenty-five specific techniques that provide quality tools to aid the counselor. In the second appendix he even includes some short True/False self-assessment tests to help map out the counselee’s position on the compass.

Written for the Christian Counselor these techniques and the compass model can be used not only by clinicians but also by pastors, chaplains, and others involved in this healing ministry. Christian Counseling that Really Works is highly recommended to everyone involved in counseling in any form.

5 Stars It is, indeed, Christian counseling that works!
As I converted from Islam into Christianity, I have had my own set of issues to deal with. How easy for people to throw in Bible verses right in your face and they think they just “fixed” your pain problem. By leaving Islam, I dealt with rejection as an outcast. I have also had a lot of anger and less trust in people after being betrayed. I have talked to many people of godly counsel, but frankly nobody is like Dan Montgomery. He is not in an ivory tower but he is right down to earth and meets you where you are in a compassionate way showing you how to truly apply the Bible principles in counseling that really”works”. I liked a lot what he had to say on feeling God’s presence even though when we don’t feel like it. I had to read this part in his book over and over again. I even plan to translate to myself in Arabic, my native tongue, and apply it to myself as well as those I evangelize in the Muslim religion. This is “The Lean-Against-the Wall Technique” on pages 115,116,117 and 118. As I have come to explore the American male psyche, this part is the best answer that I can also give in response to the question of why I don’t feel like my prayer just hit the wall and I can’t feel God. If you read where I have begun all along in my Christian journey and how Dan has helped me, you would really appreciate his book enormously.

5 Stars If you really want to change your behavior, this is the book for you
Self-help books fill the shelves but very few provide real, lasting help in making real, lasting changes. This book does. It doesn’t matter if you read it as a counselor looking for new ideas to assist patients or as a person seeking to make life changes, this book “really works” as the title says. If you’re looking for something that will actually make a difference in the way you cope with life situations, difficult people, personal challenges or emotionally stresses, pick this book up today.

5 Stars Compass Therapy Empowers Both Therapists and Counselees
Compass Therapy is an impressive addition to the field of counseling and psychotherapy. The Self Compass and the 25 therapeutic techniques enrich counseling sessions and empower treatment strategies. Clients find these concepts user-friendly and relevant to daily life.

5 Stars Dallas Theological Seminary Biblical Counseling Review
“Through the Self Compass Model framework and the many techniques that Dan Montgomery utilizes you see examples of Christ’s love coming alive in the counseling session. I appreciate his many insights into healing the whole person: body, mind, emotions, and spirit. This is what good Christian counseling looks like!”

Linda Marten, Ph.D., Department of Biblical Counseling

Buy/More Info

Technorati Tags: christian counseling

How similar are your ideals, values, and goals in life?

How important is financial success?

Is either of you a social climber?

Everybody expected that Frank and Annie would get married, including the couple themselves. In fact, when Frank called that night he intended definitely to “pop the question.” Annie knew this, and it was her eagerness to help Frank out which skidded the whole proposition into the ditch, which was probably a good thing.

Both Frank and Annie were working people. She had finished college with some difficulty. He had quit after two years, and taken a job at a local garage. He was a good mechanic, and happy to remain so. Basically he was a fine man, honest, reliable, and good-natured. His wants were few. He enjoyed an occasional beer and cigar, and liked ball games and fishing.

He wanted a family, preferably with Annie, and enough money to support them according to his simple standards. Beyond this his ambitions did not go. He had no desire to appear intellectual, or to get ahead.

Not so with Annie. She had ambitions for them both. As Frank began his warm-up speech, she became impatient and took over. Frank was really a great man. He must finish college. Then, by moving to a large city, he could attend graduate school at night. He was to become not an ordinary engineer, but a great engineer.

Then they would have lots of money and live in a big house on a hill and move in the best social circles. Yes, the right kind of wife could make something of him.

After this glowing picture Frank looked puzzled. Then he gulped, walked over to the door and said, “Good night Annie. See ya later.” Despite her entreaties he walked out, not to return.

Academically, Frank was not bright. Mathematics were to him an unsolved mystery. But he did have a kind of basic insight which saved him from what might have been a sad mistake. As he himself put it, “All of a sudden I saw what I was getting into. I didn’t want it. What could be worse than spending years of your life struggling and fighting for what you don’t want?”

Later he turned his attentions to another girl who was less ambitious and married her. He was fortunate because he was wiser than most regarding the relationship of making money to success.

In our culture, money has two important purposes;  to provide us with the material things of life and to give us status and power. The first we understand quite well. Money is a means of getting what we need and want, such as food, clothing, housing, and medical attention.

It is also something more. It is a way in which some people can gain a sense of being superior to other people; by wearing clothes, living in costly homes, and operating cars which the ordinary man cannot afford. In short, it is a measure of success.

Most of the trouble which money causes in marriage arises not out of a lack of necessities, but out of the sense of failure. If you believe that money is the measure of success, you are headed for trouble. If you fail to get ahead as you feel that you should, each of you may blame the other.

The wife will complain because you have not worked hard enough, or are too stupid. If only she had married Joe Spultz when she had the chance—now there is a man who has really gone places. The husband may reply that if only he had had the right kind of wife, the kind who would help instead of complain all the time, he would have made the grade.

And yet success does not solve the problem, either. Always there is someone who has been more successful, so that you will still feel inferior. And in any case, money has only a limited capacity to satisfy. It is like furniture in a house. A certain amount is highly desirable. But beyond a certain point it adds little, and begins to clutter up the place so that it is no longer worth its cost.

Couples who have been married for many years often discover that the best period of their marriage was when they were poor and struggling. It is working together for worthy objectives which makes marriage successful, not “getting ahead.” The important consideration is to be successful as a person, in meeting your own personality needs and those of the rest of the family.

Success in collecting figures on a bank balance is at best, a convenience.

If neither of you puts too much value upon money or status, you will probably be safe at this point. But if money and social position are central values for the other person, don’t marry her (or him). You will be headed for trouble. If money and social position mean too much to you, don’t marry anybody until you have grown up and straightened out.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, marriage compatibility, relationships, shared values