Desperate Marriages Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship

Dr. Gary Chapman seeks to fulfill his call to the ministry as a pastor, speaker, and author. He speaks extensively throughout the U.S. and internationally on marriage, family, and relationships. The government of Singapore invited him to present his marriage seminar there and the Chaplain’s Office of NATO issued a special invitation for Dr. Chapman to speak to the NATO forces in Germany. Other engagements have taken him to England, Africa, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Mexico and Hong Kong. Sales exceeding 5 million copies earned him the Platinum Book Award from the Evangelical Publishers Association for The Five Love Languages, which has been translated into over thirty-six languages. Twenty-seven other books and five video series are also among his publications.

On the home front, Dr. Chapman is Senior Associate Pastor of Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. He and his wife, Karolyn, have two adult children and two grandchildren.
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One with a Shepherd The Tears and Triumphs of a Ministry Marriage

One with a Shepherd is a wealth of God’s wisdom and grace for the wife of a man in ministry. It is biblical, practical and personal. Whether one has been a pastor’s wife for some time, or is just starting out, this book will serve as a faithful friend in equipping and encouraging the minister’s wife in her quest to exalt Christ and have joy in the journey.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Mary has so much to offer
If you are considering a life of ministry, or if you are married to a pastor and would like to have ready access to the wisdom of a woman who has spent many years in ministry, Mary Somerville’s book, One with a Shepherd: The Tears and Triumphs of a Ministry Wife, is a very helpful and encouraging work. The 304 pages that make it up are worth their weight in gold. She has served as a pastor’s wife for over three decades. Her and her husband, Bob, have led two churches, one in New Jersey, the other in California.

Covering just about every major aspect of ministry, One with a Shepherd is broken up into sixteen chapters, along with four appendices. Toward the end the author provides a valuable reading list on “Spiritual Growth,” “Marriage,” “Childrearing,” “Home Management,” “Discipling/Counseling,” and every list is filled with very trustworthy authors. Mary writes on such subjects as the importance for pastors’ wives to understand their role in ministry (Chapter 1), coping with loneliness (Chapter 6), how to deal with rebellious children (Chapter 10), and the importance of discipling other women (Chapter 14).

One of the topics that grabbed my attention most was what she wrote about pastors’ wives defining their role in the church, so as not to fall into the trap of having to live up to the unbiblical expectations of others (a notorious problem in churches). For example, she writes, “If you want to be free from the burden of false guilt, you should first determine if you have yielded to non-biblical expectations.” And further, “Realize too that we do not answer to everyone else; we answer to God alone for our actions…This means turning a deaf ear to the complaints and criticisms that are ungrounded” (p. 3). Another area Mary deals with that caught my attention is an issue that is seldom treated in books on ministry: the pain inflicted by members of the church. She says: “We suffer from people deserting us by changing churches. At other times they hurt us by staying in the church and attacking us with criticism, complaints, and gossip. Finally they may completely reject our ministry and us. We are tempted to give up in despair, but God actually wants to use these hurts that people inflict to strengthen us” (p. 64).

The wisdom, insight, and experience of the author make this a valuable resource for any pastor’s wife, and any woman whose husband is preparing for ministry. Discussing the trials and tribulations of leading a church while in seminary would have better prepared me for ministry. And my wife would have been better prepared for our work if she’d had a book like this early on. This really is a tremendous work. Every pastor’s wife–and every woman who is planning on becoming a pastor’s wife–should read it. While many people may want to write a book, there are some that can only be written through experience. This is that type of book. Mary Somerville has so much to offer that any reader can quickly tell she is not simply passing on information, but passing on her life experiences, those that are common to the wife of any pastor. I wish there was a similar work for pastors. – Ray Hammond, Christian Book Previews.com

4 Stars Helpful resource for wives of men in evangelical ministry
One with a Shepherd: The Tears and Triumphs of a Ministry Marriage by Mary Somerville is one of the more helpful books on what it means to be the wife of a man in ministry. Coming from an evangelical and conservative Christian perspective Mrs. Somerville speaks directly and honestly about life in the parsonage, vicarage or manse. Having been in this place myself I have been encouraged by reading this book and I use it when working with wives of men in seminary as well as wives of men in their first full-time church setting. No book is perfect but of the hundreds out there, many of which I have read or skimmed addressing this topic I would highly recommend this book. A great companion read would be Liberating Ministry from the Success Syndrome

5 Stars Excellent book for all ladies whose husband is in the ministry
This book was truly written by a lady who has “been there – done that”. I also am married to a pastor and I couldn’t have said it better than her. She covered all the bases and did it with scripture and personal experience. I can highly recommend this book!

5 Stars The best book for pastor’s wives or any lay woman!
Excellent, insightful….the best book for christian women written!

5 Stars A Must Read!!
This book is a tremendous help to Pastor’s wives! Practical, scriptural, and encouraging — I’ve purchased many copies and given them as gifts to other ministry wives.

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The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring Connecting Couples to Build Better Marriages

Here Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott provide the complete guide to becoming a marriage mentor. They instruct the individuals who guide couples in many different stages of married life through emphasizing working as a team, building rapport, walking in another couple’s shoes, and praying together. The book includes three major sections: The Big Picture on Marriage Mentoring, The Marriage Mentoring Triad, and The Essential Skills for Marriage Mentoring, to help churches of any size provide a healthy marriage mentoring program.

Les and Leslie. A husband-and-wife team who not only share the same name, but the same passion for helping others build healthy relationships. In 1991, the Parrotts founded the Center for Relationship Development on the campus of Seattle Pacific University – a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships.

Married in 1984, the Parrotts bring real-life examples to their speaking platform. Their professional training – Leslie as a marriage and family therapist, and Les as a clinical psychologist – ensures a presentation that is grounded, insightful and cutting-edge. Les and Leslie are master communicators. They are entertaining, thought-provoking and immeasurably practical. One minute you’ll be laughing and the next you’ll sit still in silence as they open your eyes to how you can make your relationships all they were meant to be.

Each year Les and Leslie speak in over 40 cities. Their audiences include a wide array of venues, from churches to Fortune 500 company board rooms. The Governor of Oklahoma appointed the Parrotts as the first ever statewide Marriage Ambassadors. Authorities have called upon Les and Leslie to provide on-site support in the aftermath of worldwide disasters such as Ground Zero and Chernobyl. The Commander of the 2nd Battalion, 5th Marines, invited them to assist his soldiers with re-entry into family life upon returning from Iraq.

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Solving Marriage Problems

This is a book to help counselors understand and deal with typical problems that arise in a marriage by offering biblical solutions.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Not surprised
This book is a representative authority of helpfulness in understanding what is necessary for couples to live happy lives. Dr Adams’s source of authority is from the words of God, so that we are led by a power greater tht anything that we can ever imagine.I can easily recommend this for any person looking for help from an authoritative source.ColvinB

2 Stars Some good advice, but he lost me at “obey”
Adams is a man who tries to advise husbands and wives. My problem: his definition of those roles are too old-fashioned and rigid. Just so you know, I am not a liberal woman who either ignores the Bible or is ignorant of its teaching; I know the Biblical teachings on marriage and it is their instructions I disagree with Adams about.

Adams consistently calls the wife the “helper”, which diminishes the aspect of partnership that I believe marriage should be. A leader and a helper is not a partnership, it is basically one central figure and a secondary figure who helps them. Adams stresses the specialness of a helper to uplift the concept, but is apparently unaware that the role still pushes a sense of lesserness on the woman’s side because, if a wife is a helper, who is she helping? The husband! The man is still the central figure and the wife is not seen as his mate, but his “helper”, a moon revolving around a sun. His beliefs basically come from the age-old concept of, in regards to a wife’s role, taking the Biblical word “Submit” and turning it into “obey”. Honey, they’re not the same. Submission, unlike obedience, can be mutual and does not always have to do with authority. The concept of marital submission, I believe, is basically to surrender to another’s needs and put the other before oneself; this does not at all necessarily mean obeying! Therefore, Adam’s words that the husband is never to submit to the wife were incorrect. Certainly the husband is never supposed to obey his wife, but he is clearly expected to submit to her needs. The Bible stresses the importance of the husband laying down his life for his wife if necessary; that is HUGE submission on the husband’s part. Submitting to a spouse should not be a matter of one ruling over the other, but rather a matter of both spouses making sacrifices out of love and respect for each other.

Adams’ words of wifely obedience were very grating to me, especially when he tried giving examples of when a wife should refuse a sinful “command” from her husband. If a husband freely commands his wife, we’ve got bigger problems than whether the command itself is sinful or not. Adam’s advice for the wife to “respectfully” refuse a sinful command also rather threw me, since his example of a sinful command was if a husband wanted his wife to play spouse-swap with another couple. His idea of what to say to such a husband? “I must respectfully say no. You must not ask me to sin and I cannot do that.” Firstly, if a husband actually had the nerve to ask his wife to do something like that (or command it, in Adams’ words), he’d be lucky if a disrespectful answer was all he got. Secondly, I defy anyone to find a self-respecting wife who actually talks that way. The monotone of that robotic answer gave me the impression that Adams’ taken this obedience thing too far. This impression was strengthened with his example of how a counselor should advise a woman who “has not been a good helper”. His advice: “They (wives) must be trained to put on helpful deeds, a step many counselors overlook.” Maybe counselors overlook this because the concept of training women to be obedient helpers is, rightly, obsolete for most people.

Books like these, which so rigidly define the roles of spouses, have a tendency to simultaneously overcomplicate and oversimplify marriage (not an easy thing to do, but they manage). They oversimplify marriage because they seem to believe that if women just obey and respect their husbands and if husbands just love and nurture their wives, the marriage will go swimmingly. It is NOT that simple! Marriage is not a recipe with instructions, it’s a union between two people who will occassionaly have conflicting ideas, and conflicts will NOT magically vanish if one spouse always gives in to the other. This method also overcomplicates things because it stresses the idea of training women to be followers rather than just letting them be led by love and respect for their husbands and letting the rest fall into place on its own.

Every marriage is different; it should be Godly, of course, but you cannot make the roles of spouses cookie-cutter. Christian books tend to do this mainly as a result of the author taking the Bible too literally. Adams does this by saying that, because the Bible tells the husband and not the wife to love, loving is primarily the husband’s job. He went on to say that, if a husband complains that there is little love in the marriage, his counselor should tell him that it’s mainly his fault! Honestly, this alarmed me more than his earlier words about counselors training women to be helpers (what kind of counselors are these, anyway?). To automatically blame either spouse for a marital problem based on your personal interpretation of the Bible instead of what’s actually happening in the marriage is a little scary (if a professional counselor does this, it’s downright terrifying). The interpretation itself is rather skewed; the Bible stresses on women giving respect and men giving love because respect is something that most men already give naturally and love is already something that women give naturally. It does NOT mean that the husband is the only one who has to love and the wife only has to respect, so to blame a lack of love automatically on the husband is simply unfair and silly. There are plenty of women who have a hard time loving and men who have a hard time respecting; you cannot simply assume which spouse is at fault because of Biblical instructions.

This is not a bad book, but unless you view marriage in the same rigid terms as Adams, it probably won’t do much for you. If it focused more on mutual love and respect rather than defining one sort of behavior for one particular spouse, it would’ve worked a lot better for me. If you want sensible advice from a Godly man, go to John Piper’s website “Desiring God” and read his sermons on marriage.

4 Stars Christian Marriage
If you believe in the authenticity of the Bible this book on marriage is for you.

4 Stars A Must Read for Christian Couselors
Solving Marriage Problems, by Jay Adams is a short easy to read book of only 122 pages. One should not be fooled by its brevity however. As far as a well annotated, academic treatise on marriage and family counseling goes, this book does not purport to be of that genre. What it is rather, is a very well thought out, practical handbook for the Christian counselor.

It follows judiciously it’s a priori notion that God is in control of our lives, and therefore has the right to prescribe what is best for His children. It proscribes any solutions based solely on human ingenuity, but recommends instead a reliance on God’s word. One gets the distinct impression while reading this book, that in the mind of the author, no marriage problem is too insurmountable for God, when these biblical principles are applied.

The assignments at the end of each chapter are an indispensable tool that counselors should avail themselves of. They force counselors to think very hard about the principles discussed in the previous pages. On balance, this is an excellent book that should be on the shelf of every serious Christian counselor.

5 Stars Great for Biblical Counselors
The purpose of this book is to provide Biblical Solutions to Marriage Problems for Christian Counselors. If you are a Christian Counselor or in a troubled marriage, this book is great. In 122 pages Jay Adams precisely defines marriage as a covenant companionship and explains what this means to the marital relationship. This book also addresses many of the most common marital problems including communication, self-centeredness, money, blame shifting, in-laws, children, former spouses, work, peer pressure, and social mobility. In addition to a biblical analysis of marriage and of such problem issues, the book provides exercises to assist in resolving the problems your marriage or your counselee may be experiencing. An excellent book for its stated purpose.

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Divorce And Remarriage A Redemptive Theology

In this book, a serious scholar with extensive experience in ministry looks at the question of divorce and remarriage. He offers a redemptive theology that affirms the importance of marriage, the urgency of helping people survive their marital crises, and the redemptive mercies and grace of God for those who have divorced and remarried.

User Ratings and Reviews

3 Stars Rubel seems like a good guy
Rubel does a good job with theology. Although, I don’t think I saw anything new in this book. It is a crucial concept to live and teach that “all” can be forgiven. All should live out that notion and treat others as though we believe that forgiveness is real and true. The consequences from the sin(s) that surround divorce give Satan a foothold in your life and the lives of all involved that never go away in this life. So don’t get a divorce…..EVER. But if you have gotten a divorce, reconciliation is then your best choice. The thing is, no matter what your choice is, God’s redemptive nature is always at work. I attend a congregation where Rubel preaches, I can see from his book that many will be up arms. Although I never agree with anyone all the time, I am yet to detect any malicious nature or strict contradiction in Rubel’s work versus the scriptures.

4 Stars Divorce & Remarriage
I was looking for a book on divorce and remarriage to give some glimpse of hope to a relative who is struggling with this issue. This book definitely gives hope to both parties involved in a divorce, especially to those who have grown up in religious atmospheres that held to strict and unyielding interpretations on the subject. The bibilical history of divorce was an interesting aspect of this book for me. I also found it helpful that Mr. Shelly interspersed his bibilical knowlege and interpretation with real life scenarios.

5 Stars Timely and spiritually refreshinging
This is an insightful and spiritually practical book in its application to cultural and basic Biblical truths. Dr. Shelly captured Old and New Testament references and folded them into present day life situations that Christians find themselves daily on marriage, divorce and remarriage.

4 Stars A caring book in a difficult topic
Unfortunately, this book will be accepted or rejected based more on the author than the material. In fact, in reading a Shelly book, there is always a fear of someone labeling you because you have read some of his stuff. There are few individuals that can polarize a crowd as the name of Rubel Shelly can. So here is a quick take on the book. First of all, it is thought provoking. His true to life stories of marriage and remarriage highlight the difficult nature of this topic. In fact, you look forward to reading the stories through the book. The major doctrinal difference is the definition of “adultery.” Shelly takes it to mean “covenant breaking” not just the sexual act. Probably this is where the flow of thought begins. I am sure with time there will be a lot of debate over this book. But much of what Shelly has stated has been taught by Olan Hicks for years.

5 Stars From someone who’s been there
I have been a student and congregation member under Rubel Shelley for many years. He officiated at my wedding in ‘93. At that time I could have never imagined that I would be in a divorced situation. This book has been a great help for me as I have dealt with one of the most controversial situations one can face AS A CHRISTIAN: a divorce. I am about to remarry, and at times have not always felt free of some of the guilt that has lingered from what I had been taught previously in a church setting. This book helped me to understand what the meanings were behind some of the Old Testament scripture on the subject as well as what the New Testament writers were dealing with. One really must see the verses from the context in which they were written, and that has been overlooked through the years. I appreciate the personal stories of people that he has ministered to being interspersed throughout the book. It really makes you feel like you are not alone in what you are feeling or what you have felt in the past. Humbly written from theologian’s perspective, the book has been deeply appreciated by this reader and it would serve anyone greatly who finds themselves in this situation.

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The Divorce Remedy The Proven 7 Step Program for Saving Your Marriage

Michele Weiner Davis goes beyond her marriage-saving bestseller, Divorce Busting, with this empowering and encouraging guide for revitalizing marriage and building stronger, more loving bonds. In a down-to-earth style that is free of psychobabble, Weiner Davis outlines a realistic, solution-oriented seven-step program for managing marital problems, which, when left unchecked, can drain the life out of a relationship. Using revealing anecdotes and in-depth case studies, she illustrates practical ways for marriage partners to

• avoid the “divorce trap”
• identify specific marriage-saving goals
• move beyond ineffective, hurtful ways of interacting
• become an expert on “doing what works”
• overcome infidelity, Internet obsessions, depression, sexual problems, and midlife crises
• get your marriage back on track — and keep it there

Rescue your marriage with the proven techniques of The Divorce Remedy — sound, sensible advice from a renowned relationship expert!

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars This is a long review to give you more information!
Having read just about every relationship and divorce book on the market, it is this one that I buy multiple copies of and give to all my friends, relatives and others. Why? First, many marriage-saving books are written from a religious perspective, but this one is not. It is not that she is anti-religious, just that you don’t have to be religious to enjoy the book. I also like the fact that it is not that she thinks divorce immoral, just that she sees how miserable it makes even those who initiate it, in many cases. On page 14 of her other excellent book Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again, Michele Weiner-Davis writes: “MOST PROBLEMS ARE SOLVABLE. I have not arrived at this conclusion based on religious or moralistic views. From my perspective, divorce is not immoral or bad. In fact, in extreme cases, certain relationships are better off terminated for the health and well-being of everyone involved.”

Many books are very negative and encourage behavior guaranteed to destroy a relationship instead of helping. This book is positive, gives the reader hope, and backs that up with concrete, specific, clear suggestions for what to actually do in practice to maximize the chance of saving your marriage.

I like the fact that she points out that your friends, family, and therapist may well push you to end your marriage, if only because they only hear your own side of the story. This is so true. It is a pity people nowadays make the mistake of bad-mouthing their spouse to others. John Gottman, too, has written that this is one of the things that jeopardizes marriages. (Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship)

It is no good giving this book to a spouse who wants a divorce: it is not written for the person who wants a divorce but those who are prepared to make changes to save their marriage, or those who are at least willing to give their spouse another chance. If you are the spouse wanting a divorce, you might find it useful to give this book to your spouse, though you should of course make it clear that this is not intended to give your spouse hope. To the extent that your spouse adopts the author’s suggestions, both you and your spouse will find life more pleasant, and it may well help your spouse to feel better whether or not it saves your marriage. (You too may be surprised if you adopt her suggestions!)

For those not wanting to end your marriage, if only it could be a bit less ghastly, a bit more enjoyable, this is THE book to read. If you try the suggestions in this book and it still doesn’t work, then at least you will know you did everything possible to save your marriage.

Many of the suggestions are for very small changes that can have surprisingly large effects. Things you can actually do even in the midst of terrible turmoil and fear of loss of your marriage. Her suggestions will help you feel better about yourself AND better about your spouse.

What is so beautiful about Weiner Davis’s writing and this book in particular, is that she manages to be kind not just to the reader, but to the reader’s spouse as well. For example, in Chapter 2, Weiner-Davis helps you to see that it is possible that each of you is mistakenly but very understandably blaming the other: “interactions in relationships are circular. You do something->your partner responds->you react->your partner responds, or, if it makes you feel better, you can view it the other way around. Your partner does something->you react->your partner responds->you react, and so on. Where the cycle begins is just a matter of perspective. And the good news about all of this is that when things are spiraling out of control, there is something you can do other than try to convince your partner to change. You can interrupt the cycle by changing your actions.”

There are so many otherwise worthwhile books that are marred either by the writer being nasty to the reader (IMO, Dr Laura’s books often fall into this category) or by the writer being nasty about the reader’s spouse or encouraging the victim mentality. To create a good relationship, good will is required, and it is difficult to develop good will when the relationship is on the rocks, but if any book can help you do this, it is this one by Michele Weiner Davis.

Another problem with many relationship and marriage saving books is that they require both spouses to work on the marriage. We all know how unlikely that is, even in the best of marriages! This book assumes that only ONE of you wants to work on the marriage, and that there is never any question of the other person being expected to help save the marriage is very freeing and cheering, because it gives the reader hope and removes the feeling of powerlessness that is engendered when you read a book that assumes you both want to make changes together. As you yourself take action to improve your own life and treat your spouse well (but no, we are NOT talking being a doormat, here!) you start to feel less panic-stricken, more calm and peaceful, less out of control, and you can then hold your head high.

This author is nothing short of a genius. Read her books. Unless you are the most negative, cynical person I can imagine, you will find her ideas very practical, very helpful, and very much worth the price of the book.

All her books are worth reading. This one is absolutely brilliant.

3 Stars More like a relationship book than a divorce book
I agree with A Customer on this one. While this book is very matter of fact, it doesn’t get into the touchy feely side like other books I have read (that’s a good thing), it has clear steps on what do to and how to do. The practical side of me likes that.

However, I think that most of the scenarios she described were run-of-the-mill problems as the previous poster suggested. I was thinking, these people are getting divorced over this? This should be a marriage communication book, not a brink of divorce book. She did mention in the beginning about abusive relationships. Not ALL marriages should be salvaged, so she did point that out. Unfortunately, I don’t believe everything else that is non-abusive should be saved. Some people out there ARE happier without the emotionally abusive, passive aggressive person and do find better.

It then left me to analyze the issues I have in my own relationship and I still question whether it’s worth saving. After reading the book, I didn’t feel overwhelmed with a gung-ho attitude that I’m saving this shambles of a relationship come hell or high water. The issues I am seeing are more serious (not as serious as physical abuse or drug addiction). I’m still questioning it – I don’t know if I want it to work. I guess I am still open to new ideas as I keep reading books rather than getting out.

The step where you write down what you are seeking in a good marriage (turning complaints into attainable positive goals) did take me sometime to formulate and was beneficial However, I came up with an entirely different person – one I don’t think my spouse can or wants to be.

The book seems to black and white to me, but perhaps what I am searching for I won’t be able to find in a book.

5 Stars The Divorce Remedy/Michele Weiner Davis
I like the way Michele Davis wrote this book better than the first book I read, Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again. The Divorce Remedy is full of helpful ideas that can be useful on a day to day basis. I also like the positive pro marriage message. Now to see if I can practice what she teaches!

4 Stars a fresh perspective
In a culture where getting a divorce is almost reflexive when any marital problem may occur, this book provides an alternative frame of mind. My hope is that many would read this book as a preventative measure; before their marriage is on the rocks. Although, there are many examples in this book where such marriages have been saved as well. Easy to read and practical application points.

5 Stars VERY GOOD BOOK TO SAVE A MARRIAGE AND/OR IMPROVE ANY RELATIONSHIP
This book is well written, empathetic, specific, and action oriented. It, along with the books and CD’s by Ellen Kriedman on the same subject will change your marriage relationship or any relationship for the better. Highly recommended. boland7214@aol

PS: I forgot to mention that the book, “Divorce Busting” is by the same author. “Divorce Busting” was written in about 1991 and this book was written about 10 years later. Which is “the better book”? I dunno. But, one would think the later book would be an improvement over the earlier book. I can’t say for certain but that’s the way it would seem, correct? But, I do like the title, “Divorce Busting”! )

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Reforming Marriage

How would you describe the spiritual aroma of your home? The source of this aroma is the relationship between husband and wife. Many can fake an attempt at keeping God’s standards in some external way. What we cannot fake is the resulting, distinctive aroma of pleasure to God.

Reforming Marriage does what few books on marriage do today: it provides biblical advice. Douglas Wilson points to the need for obedient hearts on the part of both husbands and wives. Godly marriages proceed from obedient hearts, and the greatest desire of an obedient heart is the glory of God.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars A must-read for husbands and wives
I bought this as a wedding gift for my best friend and her husband who just got married. I thought the book would get them much, much farther in life than a stainless steel place setting. In all seriousness, this book is a phenomenal read, implementing biblical principles in a very readable style. Some books tell you what not to do; this book explains *why*. I highly recommend Reforming Marriage for husbands and wives, or even engaged couples preparing for marriage.

5 Stars Best book on christian marriage I have ever read
After reading many reviews of this book I decided to get it. I was not disappointed. It is very challenging on many levels, biblically based, and clear. Wilson does not pull any punches and although you might find yourself smarting a bit after reading a particularly convicting section, you can’t really argue against it. It is going on my short list of books to “master.”

3 Stars Read with saltshaker in hand
If you take this book with a grain (or several) of salt, you can glean some useful, (mostly) Scriptural advice from it. Just bear in mind that Wilson has a tendency to either place his own opinions on the level of dogma, or to bend Scripture and pull it out of context to support his opinions. Here are a few examples:

Wilson calls it “a fundamental rebellion against God” for a woman to keep her birth name, rather than to take her husband’s name upon marriage. He attempts to make a Biblical case for his position by pointing out that in Genesis 5:2, God calls both the male and female “Man” or “mankind,” and that the word translated “mankind” is “Adam” in the Hebrew. Wilson apparently fails to realize that the custom of a woman changing her surname upon marriage is purely cultural–in fact, a large portion of the world’s cultures, even the more patriarchal ones, do not change the wife’s name to that of her husband’s. His attempt to read a cultural custom into Genesis is a far-fetched leap of logic. Rather than twist Scripture and assign the “rebellious feminist” tag to all women who happen not to follow English common law, Wilson would do better to say that *in his opinion,* the practice of a wife adopting her husband’s surname is a valuable tradition that reflects the unity of the marriage state, but is not a practice addressed in Scripture.

Another weird opinion of Wilson’s, found in several places in this book, is the assertion that a husband is responsible for maintaining his wife’s “loveliness.” It was never clear in the book what exactly Wilson meant by this, except that he believed the results should be physically “visible.” I presume that Wilson did not mean that the husband should stock up on Botox for his wife. Beyond this, however, since he never clarified his meaning, I can only speculate. I would guess that Wilson meant that the husband should ensure the growth of his wife’s inner beauty, and that this inner beauty will translate into a greater physical beauty. As nice as this idea sounds, Wilson never gave any practical advice on how to accomplish this end. I’m guessing that’s because it’s impossible to cultivate inner beauty in another person–inner beauty is something that each person must work on for himself/herself. Therefore, there really isn’t any practical advice that Wilson could give on this.

Wilson is also annoying in that much of his rhetoric reveals a maddeningly condescending view of women. Here are a few choice samples:

1) “A wife must not complain in her fruitfulness . . . . it is the wife’s duty to submit to the will of God and gladly bear children for her husband.” (i.e., no matter how much pain and discomfort you’re experiencing in your pregnancy, just shut up about it and do your duty, woman.)

2) “Wives need to be led with a firm hand. A wife will often test her husband in some area, and be deeply disappointed if he gives in to her.” This would be great advice if you substituted “toddlers” and “parents” for “wives” and “husbands” respectively in this passage.

Yet despite my frustrations with some of Wilson’s opinions and his sometimes-pompous tone, I actually enjoyed much of his advice. And with the exception of few caveats on minor points, as laid out above, I believe Wilson’s approach was generally a Biblical one. He had many good things to say about love and respect in marriage. For example, he emphasizes that while each partner needs both love and respect from the other, the husband’s primary need is respect, while the wife’s primary need is love. He discusses how true love in marriage is “far better” even than the romantic spark of infatuation, because it matures and grows. He addresses the necessity of keeping “short accounts” with each other–addressing small problems as soon as possible, before they grow into large problems and before there is time for resentment to build up. He emphasizes the importance of resolving disagreements privately and presenting a united front to your children and the world in general. And most importantly, he uses the model of Christ and the Church to demonstrate sacrificial love on the part of the husband and submission on the part of the wife.

I should also add that although Wilson is occasionally condescending toward women, as noted in the examples above, his overall attitude is not quite as chauvinistic (for lack of a better word) as some of the reviews here might lead one to believe. He urges women who excel in education and accomplishments not to dumb themselves down to attract a man; instead, such women should raise their expectations. He also notes that a woman’s job as keeper of the home does not necessarily entail her staying at home all of the time: she should be oriented toward the home, but her industry can lead her to work outside the house as well.

Bottom line: If you can pick your way past Wilson’s many dogmatic opinions scattered throughout the book, you will find that this basic, yet thought-provoking read can refresh your perspective on Christian marriage.

5 Stars So far, the Best Book on Marriage in the Christian Home
As I was listening to this audiobook, I was impressed that Douglas Wilson stuck with the Biblical concepts of marriage. The concepts of this book is exactly what is needed in today’s world. It is refreshing to see someone going back to the Bible basics on what a Christian Home should be like. I recommend this to be part of any Church study for couples young and old.

4 Stars Excellent Biblical Advice on Marriage
If you’ve read your bible you shouldn’t be surprised by anything in this book- it’s all in there and it is sound doctrine- but it has been washed over, ignored, and disregarded by many churches/christians for the last 30 years. Thankfully we seem to be seeing the slow reemergence of this important topic. I call it a must read for any young single person hoping to marry one day AND for everyone else who is already married- husbands as well as wives. When BOTH parties in a marriage follow the biblical standard and purpose of marriage it is a beautiful and blessed thing! If you want your own personal ministry to carry Gods seal of approval, you must have your own household swept clean and put in order. This is a book that will motivate you to do just that.

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Lies at the Altar The Truth About Great Marriages

Psychologist Dr. Robin Smith reveals how to turn vows made at the altar into realistic plans for a long and happy marriage

Dr. Robin Smith advises couples on how to take the wedding vows that were made in earnest and in innocence, to a level where they can be used to build a happy, healthy, satisfying and long-lasting marriage. Lies at the Altar is for couples who are planning marriage, are newly married, or who have been married for years.

In Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages, Dr. Robin Smith addresses the unspoken needs, unasked questions, outrageous expectations, and hidden agendas that often linger beneath the surface of the wedding vows and appear later to cause power struggles, suffering, and feelings of hopelessness in marriages.

Dr. Smith discusses why it’s important to have one’s “eyes wide open” in a marriage; how to write true vows to live by; and why it’s never too late to rewrite your vows. She illustrates her advice with detailed stories from her own life, as well as from couples that she has counseled. And in her inspiring conclusion, she invites couples to light up their lives by acknowledging each other as individuals, each of whom lights a candle, and who lights a third candle which represents “us”.

Calling “truth” the secret ingredient of great marriages, Dr. Smith teaches individuals and couples how to find the truth within themselves and their partners, whether they are heading to the altar, suffering in an unhappy marriage, divorced, or simply want to bring more satisfaction and intimacy into their relationship.

User Ratings and Reviews

4 Stars before (!) the altar
This is easy to read basic review of what ingredients need to be in a good, commited relationship. This book will not save a cracked relationship and will not prevent divorce. It is not about “how to” (speak to each other), but about “what” (the content of the conversations should be). I highly recommend it also to the people facing divorce, seeking for affirmation what the content of a relationship should be, what they have missed or couldn’t get with the current partner they are splitting with.

The excercises consist of a series of questions or better topics the partners need to discuss. As some questions might not be applicable to discuss or answer or you might find it completely uninteresting, most of suggestions are very interesting and important. The questions are not put up front to discuss who is right and who is wrong, but to make couples learn how to make compromises on important issues and accept each other’s different points of view.

In the ubiquitous gloryfing of the marriage ritual, many people have forgotten that the person they are marrying is more important than the color scale of your grand event. Havin second thoughts before the wedding? Read this! It will not destroy the relationship, but it will help you evaluate it. This book helps to prevent ignoring the right gut feelings. It is your companion and on your side. You don’t need to consult a relative that probably wants to see you nicely dressed at your wedding and will not listen to your worries properly as the wedding preparations heaten up.

Unfortunately, dr. Smith’s writing contains some religious elements at times, which is not surprising given the fact she teaches as an adjunct professor at Eastern Baptist Theological Seminary. This might be disturbing to some, but my advise is to ignore it. Ironically, she is quoting Sartre (an atheist) at one occasion to support a bit of spiritualistic point of view. Referrals to God are, however, not the foundation of the book and can be overlooked if you posess a bit of a tolerance (and if you don’t, better not get married). I believe dr. Smith’s experiences from her practice are very valuable and the book is worth buying.

I benefited from dr. Smith’s positive encouragement to independent thinking for women. There is this gentle feministic touch that may empower women to look behind the farirytale role of stuffing themselves in a white dress for one single day, smiling for cameras until it hurts and then suffering entire life due to emotional or physical abuse just becase divorce is unacceptable.

Apparently, we all bring some lies in front of the altar and the book helps you find yours as well.

If you have a close friend who is getting married in a few months, consider this as a gift way in advance! I had some fun discussing the topics with my close friend (and at times bitching about men and life in general, hahaha).

5 Stars lies at the alter
was sent promply and the book was in VERy , well brand new shape. thanks

4 Stars Pretty good read
I just finished reading the book and feel it provided some good lessons and a generally good read. I think the book is best suited for people who are not yet married or those who have had relationship trouble in the past that they would like to move on from.

The book was a little long-winded in some ways but provided great scenarios from (what I assume to be) her clients from marriage counseling. That was what I liked most about the book. Instead of talking about imaginary scenarios and results, it provided real situations she had seen couples go through during conflict. This helped me visualize the situations of conflict in my own engagement and I felt able to relate to some of the people she mentioned, whom are people going through the typical things to cause conflict… Money, beliefs, past wounds, whether or not to have children..

She discusses the reasons many conflicts arise, and how many conflicts are much deeper than the surface. For example, she writes about a couple who are fighting over how much the wife pampers her 23 year old son whom is out of the house (doing his laundry, stocking his fridge), and how the anger the husband felt was evoked by having it hard when he moved out and not having the support of his parents (as well as being raised to believe that a person should be able to take care of him/herself after moving out). The author also explains how to turn cycles of blame and anger into understanding, through use of mostly the technique of mirroring; repeating back what the other partner said to be sure that anger doesn’t twist the other partner’s words to cause misunderstanding or resentment.

Honesty and maturity is a huge theme of this book. Looking past the flowery words and lovely dress, and thinking deeper about a marriage’s future. Creating vows that really speak what you intend, instead of vows that have hidden intentions. (For example, saying that you will always ‘be by your side’ when you intend to go off on your own for days. Or perhaps saying that you will always be there for your partner, but only when they’re considerate.)

The intended audience for this book is women. This must be understood. Men can also benefit from this book but it is mostly an empowering book for women. It encourages women in bad relationships to have the courage to make change or realize that they deserve to be happy. It encourages people in good marriages to embrace each other and their current state of being, to look deeper into the disagreements that may arise so they can understand the background it is created by.

Made me think more about how I feel about life and what creates my beliefs.

The ‘questions before marriage’ weren’t a big thing for me, because we already know almost everything listed about each other already. We were comfortable enough with each other that we discussed children, finances, religion, sexuality, politics, how to raise a kid, etc before we even got engaged. But it would be very valuable for most couples who may overlook important questions, or cringe at the thought of discussing deeply about beliefs (it’s well worth doing).

A good book for couples who want a healthy mature relationship free of the cycles of stress and blame that so many couples go through. Offers valuable advice.

5 Stars Helpful info for any marriage
I heard about this book from a relative who had read it. I didn’t think that I would like it so I checked it out at the library. After reading through it over several weeks, I had to buy a copy of my own. There are some very helpful tips in this book. I have recommended it to several friends.

4 Stars Read before the trip to the altar
Simple stated, factual and sprinkled with personal anecdotes, this offers a great way to hold up a mirror to your present relationship and see if you are a good fit, both personally and together, before a trip to the altar, especially if you have any doubts.

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Marriage Counseling A Practical Guide for Pastors and Counselors

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Biography

Dr. H. Norman Wright is a Gold Medallion winner and author of more than seventy books. He is a licensed marriage, family, and child therapist and former professor at Talbot School of Theology and Biola University where he directed its Graduate Department of Marriage, Family, and Child Counseling. He and his wife, Joyce, have been married more than forty years and live in Long Beach, California. They have a son and a daughter.

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GIVE THE COUPLE A LIST OF GOOD DISCUSSION QUESTIONS FOR COUPLES TO TALK THROUGH BEFORE MARRIAGE.
Here is a list to get you started:

1. Where would you like to live long term?
2. How many kids do you ideally want to have? Pick a number, not a range.
3. Where will you spend the holidays?
4. How often do you think you would like to have sex?
5. What are the boundaries for you sexually?
6. How will you handle sharing household duties?
7. What will you do when you disagree on a major issue such as a job promotion, geographical move, or schooling for a child?
8. What are some key things your future spouse should know about relating to you?
9. What will you do when one of you starts to fall in love with someone else?
10. How open do you want to be about sexual temptation and emotional attachment issues?
11. What percentage of your budget should each of these categories receive: tithe, tax, saving, housing, entertainment, and groceries?
12. How will you work your budget? Envelope system? Excel File? Monthly, weekly, quarterly? Unified finances, divided bank accounts?
13. What is your primary love language: words, touch, time, companionship, or service?
14. What do you think you will usually do as a couple on Friday nights? Sunday mornings? Weekday nights?
15. How will you work to maintain friendship outside of your marriage?
16. Is there a relationship with either family or in-laws that will likely cause difficulties in the future? How do you plan on drawing good boundaries for that relationship?
17. When do you like to go to bed at night? Get up in the morning?
18. What were the unspoken rules of your families growing up? (i.e. No shouting, be careful around Dad/Mom if he/she is angry, we don’t talk about sex, never let people outside the family know we struggle, love is earned, love is gifts, crying is for babies, being smart is more important than anything, hard work is more important than anything, etc.)
19. What role did you play in your family? Hero, Martyr, Mascot/Clown, Peacemaker, Lost Child, Favored Child, etc. How do you think that role will have to change?
20. The most important thing you have to have in this marriage is…

Read more: How to Give Premarital Counseling: A Pastor’s Guide | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5041883_give-premarital-counseling-pastors-guide.html#ixzz1CiwNdCU8

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Before You Plan Your Wedding Plan Your Marriage

Building a Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime

Authors Greg and Erin Smalley open their hearts and share their lives in Before You Plan Your Wedding...Plan Your Marriage so that you can know not only how to build a marriage that will last, but also how to have the kind of marriage where you and your spouse feel safe and honored and valued. When you feel safe, your heart will be open -- and open hearts make for fulfilling, powerful relationships.

Find out about the "fear dance" and how to stop dancing it. Discover the two biggest issues that threaten every marriage and how to stop them before they start. Learn what's more important than finding your soul mate and the significance of happiness in your union.

As wonderful as a wedding is, it lasts only for a brief time -- yet marriage is meant to last a lifetime. This important book will show you how to plan your marriage before you plan your wedding.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Great book to read before you get married.
I just bought this book and read it and I love it. I'm engaged and this book really talks about relating to one's partner and how to properly communicate with one another. I liked how it talked about dealing with conflict in your relationship. In the book, they likened the fighting that couples do to a "dance", when couples fight, they push each other's buttons and get reactions that just go back and forth in a "dance". This book definitely made me think about how I deal with my relationship and how I fight with my fiance. Another point the book brought up is that you should never be against your partner in an argument, you need to remember you both are on the same side, going for the same goal (the argument being resolved!) This book made me think about how I treat my partner, I should treat him with respect because he is God's gift to me, not my enemy!! I really, really think this book should be read by everyone before they get married and divorce would be prevented a large amount of the time! I highly, highly recommend it!

4 Stars good advice for those in their first serious relationship
This book had a lot of good information, especially for those in their first serious Christian relationship. As a 26-year old, who has gone through a couple of serious relationships (not as far as engagement), I found some of this information was nothing new or did not really pertain to me. The middle of the book focuses a lot of conflict-resolution. This material was not too helpful, as I haven't had an issue with this in my relationships and feel that the more mature Christian would have a better grasp on dealing with issues of personal conflict in a relationship. The most helpful parts of the book were the beginning and end. The beginning went over things that should be discussed in depth prior to marriage. The end (part 4: oneness), was insightful in its discussion of how other relationships will have to change (family and friends) once the couple is married.

5 Stars Recommended for every engaged couple
This is an excellent pre-marital tool. I have learned a lot and I highly recommend it to anyone considering marriage. It is a great counselor before the couselling. Our date is actually a little over a year into the future, but we both are of the mindset to have our heads as well as our hearts and spirits on straight before venturing into our life together. This books helps to outline as well as provide details of how to make rational decisions regarding the most important decision one can make in a lifetime. I caution everyone. Do not take your vows lightly. Count the cost before you start to build.

4 Stars Good Read
My fiance and I have read this book and discussed each chapter. Overall, it is a great practical tool that helps spark conversations. It helped us realize more about ourselves and how we relate to each other. There are 2 downsides to this book. One, it could be much shorter. Some parts repeat themselves too much and could be tightened. Two, many of the stories the Smalleys tell are a little...cheesy. But, if a book can get you and your significant other to start opening up and talking about issues you haven't discussed before, it's done its job!

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