How We Love A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage

December 8th, 2008 by admin

How We Love A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage




Are you tired of arguing with your spouse over the same old issues? Do you dream of a marriage with less conflict and more intimacy? Are you struggling under a load of resentment?

The key to creating a deeper bond in your marriage
may lie buried in your childhood.

Your early life experiences create an “intimacy imprint”–an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all future relationships, especially your marriage. In How We Love, relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you pinpoint the reason your marriage is struggling–and they reveal exactly what you can do about it.

Drawing on the powerful tool of attachment theory, the Yerkoviches identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain. As you discover how your relationship has been guided by these imprints, you’ll gain the insights you need to stop stepping on each other’s toes and instead allow yourselves to be swept along by the music of a richer, deeper relationship.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Possibly the Best Marriage Book I’ve Read
Over the almost 12 years that we’ve been married, my husband and I have read many, many marriage books. Most have been Christian but there has been a smattering of secular ones as well.

I think this is probably hands-down one of the very best we’ve ever read.

It doesn’t just describe your love needs or how you express love but goes deeper, getting to the root of why you love the way you do, the problems with that, and what to do about it.

I keep recommending this book to others because it changed the way my husband and I saw one another and the way we related.

I would go so far as to recommend this book before starting counseling. It could save you a lot of time and money in the counseling office.

5 Stars WOW!!! WHAT AN AMAZING BOOK!!!
I’ve probably spent hundreds of dollars on self-help books over the years looking for answers I couldn’t seem to find. My husband and I have been together for over 18 years – many of which felt like banging our heads against the wall in frustration and three of which were spent separated. We were blessed to have survived the separation. I heard about this book on the radio (kkla) and knew it was the book we needed. By far, it is one of the BEST and most effective books I’ve ever come across. I admit, it was a bit daunting at first as the workbook made us dig pretty deep within ourselves, (I think the workbook is key!) but God really helped us to persevere! This book was a catalyst in helping us to undersand each other and ourselves in ways we never thought possible. Your book and workbook helped to promote real communication between us and helped to give us the best relationship we’ve ever had — so much that my husband and I renewed our vows on December 31. We are recommending this book to all of our friends! Thank you, Milan and Kay!

5 Stars Eye Opening
Milan and Kay Yerkovich have put together a great book to help both good and struggling marriages. They describe five different personality types which are Avoider, Pleaser, Vacillator, Controller, and Victim, and how couples can “dance” together in their marriage when they are two different types of personalities. We all have “imprints” from childhood in our lives and they influence us and how we relate to each other. They ask the question, also, of ever being comforted by our parents. Do you remember ever being comforted in your childhood? They then proceed to explain how that affects us in adulthood. This book is not just about the problems we face but very concrete helpful answers, too. The workbook in the last quarter of the book is doable.

They use real life situations of couples they have counseled and it’s an interesting book with lots of illustrations from life.

If you are struggling in your marriage I highly recommend this book.

5 Stars just what i was looking for
This book is very helpful along with good counseling. Anyone can benefit from this book. It’s about all relationships, not just marriage. And any personality type will relate to it. It’s worth the money.

5 Stars Awesome Book !!!!
Having problems with your marriage? Need to know why you act the way you act? This book is for you if you answered YES to any of the questions above. Buy This Book…YOU WON’T REGRET IT! How We Love is an excellent tool for learning about your life and why you are the way you are.

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How to Counsel a Couple in Six Sessions or Less

December 7th, 2008 by admin

How to Counsel a Couple in Six Sessions or Less




How to Counsel a Couple in 6 Sessions or Less makes it easier to counsel couples over a brief period of time, but also addresses major marital issues of communication, family issues, decision making and more. This highly practical resource for pastors — or anyone in ministry — can be used with The Marriage Checkup Questionnaire or as a stand alone tool for quickly diagnosing problems and referring couples to a professional, as necessary.

User Ratings and Reviews

3 Stars should specify Christian….
This book was somewhat useful, though I might turn more often to the practical aspects of the questionnaire itself, as I didn’t feel it offered much that was new. I do think that on the cover it should somewhere specify that it’s directed toward those doing PASTORAL counseling, by and large. I am unlikely, for example, to ask my clients to pray with me, and even more unlikely to include the questionnaire item: “Do you have a personal faith in Jesus Christ?” Can’t imagine why this wasn’t written more inclusively. It would be fine with me to ask: “Tell me about your spiritual beliefs.”

4 Stars A Simple Guide for Counselors
Anyone truly serious about marriage counseling is always looking for effective tools to use to get a couple from where they are to where they should be. HOW TO COUNSEL A COUPLE IN 6 SESSIONS OR LESS by H. Norman Wright is just such a tool. Psychologists and Ministers often find themselves without the luxury of having a long-term program to work with. When we are approached by a couple in need of counseling, often the marriage is in a state of dire straits and we may have a few weeks, or even days, to try to salvage the marriage. This book was designed for just such a “crash course” style of counseling.

From the first session of focusing the couple on changing how they think by first changing their behavior, through the final session dedicated to resolving anger issues, Wright gives a detailed, albeit brief, instruction on where the session focus should be for the fastest results. I believe every person who counsels couples has found certain things that work well for them and certain things that do not. I don’t believe this will replace a counselors current methods, but will certainly lend some new ideas that you might want to experiment with.

Wright writes well and his text is easy to disseminate and digest. The one complaint I do have about this book is that Wright uses it to set the stage to sell other volumes he has written. Sometimes the lines become blurred between where the instruction ends and the salesmanship begins. The book does clearly state on the cover that it is to be used in conjunction with Wrights “Marriage Checkup Questionnaire”, so I can’t complain about that one, but why not just combine the two books into one volume? Anyway, maybe I’m being picky here, but I’m always put off when reading a book that instructs me to buy other books by the same author.

Overall, I found this to be a quick and easy read that provided some good ideas for future use. In a counselors efforts to seek new ideas and continue their on-going training, this is a good addition.

Pastor Monty Rainey

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Hope Focused Marriage Counseling A Guide to Brief Therapy

December 7th, 2008 by admin

Hope Focused Marriage Counseling A Guide to Brief Therapy




Everett L. Worthington, Jr. offers a comprehensive manual for assisting couples over common rough spots and through serious problems in a manner that is compassionate, effective and brief. His hope-focused (rather than problem-focused) approach enables couples to see that change is possible and gives them a new outlook on the future. Combining this with a brief approach that addresses the realities of managed care and tight budgets, Worthington shows how to be strategic in each counseling situation by including teaching, training, exercises, forgiveness, modeling and motivation. At the heart of the book are dozens of interventions and exercises, including

* drawing on central values

* promoting confession and forgiveness

* strengthening communication

* aiding conflict resolution

* changing patterns of thinking

* developing intimacy

* cementing commitment Backed by years of experience and substantial research, hope-focused marriage counseling offers hope to counselors that they can provide help to troubled couples quickly, compassionately and effectively. This paperback edition includes a new introduction, summarizing the latest findings and developments in marital counseling and applying hope-focused marriage counseling to today’s cultural and clinical realities.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars An Effective “Brief” Couples Therapy
In this work, Worthington provides a brief couples model that can be executed in five to nine sessions. As most insurances will not cover couples therapy, usually this is an “out-of-pocket” expense for most client systems. So anything “brief” is greatly appreciated! Even though couples can spend up to $20,000 (or more) on the wedding, it is sad they won’t fork-up $800-$1,000 for counseling to keep the marriage going. Actually, attorneys will cost much more than this and there’s no such thing as a “pain-free” divorce or partnership dissolution. “Returns” work for clothes, not people.

In our agency, we have a three phase model based on Boyd-Franklin & Bry (2000): 1) entire family, 2) the “IP” (identified patient), and 3) the entire family again. As a family problem may start as an “adolescent problem,” we have to work with the teenager in phase two initially. However, it isn’t uncommon that the IP is really a buffer for the couple sub-system and their failed interactions. So then we need to switch to working on the couple or else the teenager will be trapped in “acting out” behaviors. This is where Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling (HFMC) comes in. As we’ve already spent some time with the teenager, we don’t have 12-16 sessions for Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – we need something quicker! Enter HFMC, stage left!

So HFMC has a lot of good uses. Also, Worthington and fellow supporters (such as myself) are conducting efficacy research on this approach to establish it as an “EBT” (evidence-based treatment). So look for HFMC to be nuanced and tweaked in light of this work. However, it would be better to get a copy and join us in this endeavor!

Also, I have heard from reliable sources HFMC is going to be coming out with training materials, live demonstrations on a DVD, and certification in Spring 2008. Stay tuned!

5 Stars A clear guide….
This was a required text for a counseling class I’m taking. I find this book to be very informative and interesting. Although this book is geared toward Christian counsleors, it is also applicable to non-Christians – or if you’re just looking for ways to improve your marriage. This book is not written at all like a textbook. It’s very straight-forward and easy to read. Very little technical language is used, and even that is clearly explained.

I believe that this book is very, very good. It’s giving me a clearer idea of how to counsel and what a counselor’s main objectives are. I recommend this book to anybody interested in counseling, and even those who are already professional counselors. This book is applicable to Christians and non-Christians alike.

5 Stars Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling – A home run
A refreshingly different approach to marriage counseling that focuses upon restoring hope in the marriage rather than tackling problems. Excellent examples of interventions based upon what Worthington identifies as the nine areas of marriage. Easy to understand and even more easy to use. Outstanding work!

4 Stars Marriage Counseling
This book provides great insight to different intervention techniques that can be used in marriage counseling.

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The Marriage Builder

December 6th, 2008 by admin

The Marriage Builder




An all-new discussion guide for couples has been added to this classic best-seller to allow readers to dig into it and apply it to their own lives and marriages.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Helpful Guide for a biblical marriage
Excellent and realistic guide to create a biblical marriage that would be pleasing to God

1 Star Be Careful!
Crabb appeals to our sense of self with statements like this one: “In Christ, I am significant and secure; therefore I can live responsibly before God no matter what happens.” It could be argued that, according to Biblical principles, we are to live responsibly before God regardless of our feelings.

There are some neat analogies in this book, but I would caution readers to be aware of Crabb’s humanistic view of people and marriage. There is no Biblical basis for the claims that we all have needs for security and significance, or that these needs must be met before we can live obediently before God.

I HIGHLY recommend any of Jay Adams’s books for a strong, Biblical perspective on the human condition. The link here is my personal favorite.

The Biblical View of Self-Esteem, Self-Love, and Self-Image

5 Stars Soul Mates: Becoming Your Spouse’s Spiritual Friend
“The Marriage Builder” by Dr. Larry Crabb has become something of a classic in the genre of Christian books on husband-wife relationships. In it, Crabb highlights three relational areas: the couple’s spiritual relationship to God, their social/soul relationship to one another, and their physical relationship to each other. When dealt with properly, and in priority order, Crabb asserts that relationships will be healthy (not necessarily happy, since that is not God’s goal nor guarantee for life this side of heaven).

Discussing the spiritual relationship, Crabb explains that when God cleanses sin through salvation, His grace simultaneous quenches the deepest thirsts in the human soul. Rather than beings some new-age mantra as some claim when they critique Crabb, the concept of longings, desires, thirsts, and hunger is both biblical and historical (church history). The Trinitarian God of the Bible created humanity in His relational image. Since human beings are finite, they will always long for the infinite–for God’s infinite holy love.

Once a husband and wife have come to understand that all they need is God and what He chooses to provide, Crabb notes that then they can quit the old “tic on a dog” relationship of mutual manipulation. Instead, they can begin a relationship of mutual ministry.

In this area, Crabb explores God’s essential design for the masculine and feminine soul. He posits that males have a deep social longing for respect, which coincides with Paul’s teaching in Ephesians 5. Crabb also explains that females have a deep social longing for intimacy, also correlating with Paul’s teaching in Ephesians 5.

As couples learn to drink fully from the God of the universe and to serve one another “heapin’ helpins’” of respect and intimacy, then they are prepared to experience body oneness (not simply fun sex). One in their walk with God, one in their relationship with each other, now they move toward physical oneness.

“The Marriage Builder” is a classic because it remains true to God’s classic teaching on relationships. We are spiritual beings designed to worship God; we are social beings designed to mutually minister to and intimately connect with one another; and we are physical beings, designed in the state of marital matrimony, to experience body oneness.

Reviewer: Bob Kellemen, Ph.D., is the author of “Soul Physicians,” “Spiritual Friends,” and the forthcoming, “Beyond the Suffering: The Story of African American Soul Care and Spiritual Direction.”

5 Stars The Best Book on Marriage…EVER!!!
This is the Best book on Marriage you’ll ever read! I am a Pastor and I use this book in all of my Pre-Marital Counseling. Dr. Crabb is so piercingly accurate in his assessment of the Insecurities and Insignificance that each couple wrestles with! His solutions are NOT FORMULAS, they are insights and journey’s with questions to discover and opportunities to serve one another regardless of their response toward us. This is also so thoroughly developed it not only prepares you for marriage it can help identify in the midst of a troubled marriage, where the breakdown in ONENESS is Occurring! This is the Definitive book on Marriage, especially from a Christian Faith perspective!

5 Stars Marriage Builder is the best marriage book out there!
The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb is the best marriage book out there. It bypasses all the normal “band-aids”, and hones in on the real issue: that marriage is a ministry to another person. Marriage is meant to minister to your spouse’s needs, not to selfishly minister to your needs (although that IS an added bonus when that happens!) I have read other marriage books, but this one, for the Christian, is the real deal. It is a must have for all couples, especially Christian ones, and should be reviewed regularly for a “marriage checkup”.

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The Manipulative Man Identify His Behavior Counter the Abuse Regain Control

December 6th, 2008 by admin

The Manipulative Man Identify His Behavior Counter the Abuse Regain Control




Conventional wisdom says that women are the manipulative ones – but tell that to the thousands of desperate women suffering at the hands of a manipulative man. Men can be just as sneaky, passive-aggressive, needy, underhanded, whiny, guilt-inducing and emotionally demanding as women are accused of being – and perhaps more so! As any woman in love with a manipulative man can tell you, it’s not easy to get past his charm and your guilt to a place where you can see your relationship for what it is – out of balance, extraordinarily stressful, emotionally exhausting and potentially dangerous. This book is a groundbreaking prescription for dealing with the manipulative men in your life by using: tests to help women decide if they are involved with mama’s boys, narcissists, sociopaths or even psychopaths; techniques for defining and setting boundaries with their men; and tools to help women improve their relationships with manipulative men. In “The Manipulative Man”, acclaimed psychotherapist Dr. Dorothy McCoy shows readers how to identify the type of manipulative man they’re involved with, deal with the issues his behaviour provokes and ultimately, salvage the relationship – or move on.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Relationship Bible for Women
Every woman on planet should have this book it is really powerful!

5 Stars Philosophy of Wellness
Susan Brown, I wish you had talked to me and read my other books before you posted your unwarranted comments. Please notice I also wrote From Shyness to Social Butterfly, in 2001. The suggestions I gave then are the same suggestions I gave in The Manipulative Man. My book, The Ultimate Book of Personality Tests, was published in 2005. If you read it you will see that I use many of the same tests and make some of the same observations.

I have never seen your book. The quote I used from your book came from a Google search. In the academic tradition, I quote many authors (both books and articles).

I did not choose the format or the focus of the content for the Manipulative Man. It was written in the tradition of another book (read the back cover of The Manipulative Man) at the request of the Publisher.

I wrote my first book, a workbook, in 2001 on stress management. It is now a police related workbook called Losing Our Officers to Anger, Stress and Suicide: A Wellness Solution. I have presented on it at three international conferences. It also follows my philosophy for wellness: eat nutritious foods, get plenty of rest, exercise regularly, stay connected to people, know what you can control (and what you cannot), be aware of your cognitions and how they affect your emotions, cherish your sense of humor, value the unique person you are, use cooperation and conflict resolution in relationships, believe behaviors rather than words, be able to recognize unhealthy (and often incongruent) behaviors and don’t needlessly upset yourself.

Susan, please read my other books, then we will talk. No doubt, you made an honest mistake. I wish you continued success with your books.

5 Stars It’s not me…
This book is a must read for anyone who has found themself in a relationship and second guessed their own sanity. I found myself glued to each chapter, seeing red-flags and finding answers to questions that I would not dare ask anyone. This is a great reference book to be picked up again and again.

The insight gained is invaluable.

The author’s style is sprinkled with humor, and the reader is anxious to delve deeper into the human psyche. Once started, you cannot put it down.

Great advice for dealing with Emotional Vampires.

5 Stars Ladies, please read this book if you have a problem “man”
I highly recommend this book to those of us that are oblivious to the tricks that men/women use.

It’ll free you, the truth will set you free from the “spell” they try to cast.

Please, if you are kind, gentle and a good heart and are troubled by why you feel so much pain, at least

start by identifiying the characters.

5 Stars Great book
Manipulation doesn’t have a gender, so when I read the Manipulative Man I thought of many men and women who would fit the “case” characters in the book. I just wish I had known how to recognize them at the times I was dealing with them and thinking that “I” was the one who was going crazy. I guess that was my first clue. The descriptions in this book make it easy to stop a manipulative person. It is good to know there are things that I can do to protect myself from these high maintenance people. I look at people from a slightly different perspective now. It really is a very readable and insightful book.

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Preparing for Your Marriage

December 6th, 2008 by admin

Preparing for Your Marriage




More than 25 percent of our marriages end in the tragedy of divorce, and over 72 percent of all teenage marriages terminate in the courtroom. A growing number of young people are so disillusioned with marriage that it is no longer even a desirable option for them. Preparing for Your Marriage prepares couples to enter into marriage with realistic expectations, developed roles, and with defined responsibilities and goals.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Still one of the best Pre-marital books around.
Nearly thirty years after publication, few books come close to capturing the essence of Christian marriage better than PREPARING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE by William McRae. Knowing that preparation is a key element in a successful marriage, this book is one of the best anywhere at preparing a couple for marriage. The twenty six chapters are broken into four parts; The Criteria for Marriage, The Christian Marriage, Before Your Marriage and Your Wedding and After.

McRae teaches marriage strictly from a theological standpoint. If a couple is devoted to building a Christian, God focused marriage, McRae teaches this aspect better than anyone, in my opinion.

This is not really what I would call a workbook, but it is set up in semi-workbook fashion with exercises at the end of each chapter. Titled as “project pages” some of which go into very good detail and instruction.

Written at the height of the women’s movement, there is great detail given to the role of the wife and what it truly means to be “submissive”, which is hardly what most of the more radical persuasion believe it means. Don’t get me wrong, there is also plenty of time spent examining the “headship” of the husband, which is also grossly misunderstood in today’s society.

There are also 4 appendixes that are useful for anyone still planning their wedding. These cover vows, ring vows, a unity candle ceremony and reaffirming family ties. Of the shelves of books I have on marriage, this is one I still turn to over and over.

Pastor Monty Rainey

5 Stars Preparing for Marriage
This was a very helpful tool in helping a young Christian couple prepare for their upcoming marriage.

Used as a tool to work through the principles of God for marriage, it aided my husband and myself to council this couple.

I would recommend it highly.

5 Stars A Useful Pre-Marital Counseling Tool
As a pastor I have used this in premarital counseling for over 25 years. In fact, this material in unpublihed form was used when my wife (of 31 years) and I went through premarital counseling as an engaged couple.

For many years the author was a teaching pastor for Believer’s Chapel in Dallas Texas. The material is sound biblically and combines both instruction and a workbook.

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Re Visioning Family Therapy Second Edition Race Culture and Gender in Clinical Practice Revisioning Family Therapy Race Culture and Gender in

December 6th, 2008 by admin

Re Visioning Family Therapy Second Edition Race Culture and Gender in Clinical Practice Revisioning Family Therapy Race Culture and Gender in

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Now in a significantly revised and expanded second edition, this groundbreaking work illuminates how racism, sexism, and other forms of oppression constrain the lives of diverse clients–and family therapy itself. Practitioners and students gain vital tools for reevaluating prevailing conceptions of family health and pathology; tapping into clients’ cultural resources; and developing more inclusive theories and therapeutic practices. From leaders in the field, the second edition features many new chapters, case examples, and specific recommendations for culturally competent assessment, treatment, and clinical training. The section in which authors reflect on their own cultural and family legacies also has been significantly expanded.

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Annulment The Wedding That Was How the Church Can Declare a Marriage Null

December 5th, 2008 by admin

Annulment The Wedding That Was How the Church Can Declare a Marriage Null



User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Excellent book for dispelling the myth of the annulment process
I have worked in the field of church law for over 20 years. I have met with over 1000 petitioners who really don’t understand the annulment process. All they understand is that they would like to enter into a new marriage and they want to be able to “make it right with the church.” And, on the other side is their ex-spouse who doesn’t understand as well, what is going on when they receive their letter from the tribunal informing them of their ex-spouse’s application. What I have begun to do is to send them a copy of this book, in advance of my meeting with them. When that happens, their defenses are down, they understand so much better what is happening and their questions are no longer harassing or attacking. They have such a clearer picture of the process and they are much more able to handle the situation because they have had it explained to them in language that they understand.

I would encourage any tribunal to have a number of these books on their shelves, so that when someone appears at their door who is beleaguered, and bewildered, just hand them the book, give them a chance to read it and your worries will be over- they now have a clearer picture of what the process is all about.

5 Stars A Helpful Guide For Those in the Annulment Process
Annulling a marriage is one of the thorniest practices of the Roman Catholic Church. People who are granted annulments are given a whole new lease on life, but for those who are denied an annulment, the news can be devastating. For Catholics, an annulment means that a sacramental marriage never took place. The most common reaction to this is “I went to the wedding, what do you mean a marriage never took place?” People begin to wonder if an annulment means that children from such unions are illegitimate (no). Others wonder what right the Church has to declare a marriage null, and see the process as judgmental and vindictive. Others believe that annulments are only granted to those willing to pay a hefty price tag. With so much negative press, it is no wonder why so many people find the annulment process intimidating and decide not to pursue having a marriage annulled.

Michael Smith Foster, a Catholic priest and canon lawyer who works at the Marriage Tribunal for the Archdiocese of Boston has written a clear, easy to understand book answering the many questions of what an annulment is, and what an annulment is not. The book is published by Paulist Press, and is set up in a question and answer format, like many book released by this publisher. In discussing the annulment process, the author also explains what a Catholic marriage is supposed to be. His style is pastoral and non-threatening. The book is compassionate and hopeful for people who have been hurt by a marriage coming apart.

While this book will be most helpful to people going through the annulment process and those who are ministering to them, it will be of interest to any Catholics who want to understand more about this procedure and what the Church truly teaches about marriage.

5 Stars Excellent book on Annulments
This is a very well written book with serious information for those who are considering an annulment through the Catholic Church. Fr. Foster is learned and knowledgable about Canon Law, and his website offers you the ability to have his expertise guide you through the annulment process. We were more than pleased with the results. I’m very glad I bought this book and had his help in preparing our annulment. It made things very easy and it became a healing process, not an anxiety ridden one. It was wonderful.

5 Stars To be first and only … for marriage is a bounded eternal state
What is a Catholic annulment & why do I need one?

Written by Jacqueline Rapp, JD, JCL, MCL Rapp Canonical Consulting Louisville, KY

As a judge on a marriage nullity tribunal, I run into people, on a daily basis, who do not understand the declaration of nullity (or annulment) process and they do not understand why they need an annulment to begin with. It’s been my understanding that this is because there are some misconceptions as to what the Catholic Church teaches about marriage, and therefore what the Catholic Church teaches about relationship that are not marriage (therefore needing an annulment). I hope to clarify some of this for those who may need this information.

What is an annulment?

A Catholic annulment, or a declaration of nullity or invalidity, is a statement of fact, by the Catholic Church, that a valid marriage (as defined by the Catholic Church) never existed. Therefore, it is not a Catholic divorce, since divorce looks at the moment that the relationship broke down and says, “there was something and now we are ending it.” The annulment process says, “from the very beginning, there wasn’t what was necessary for this relationship to be called a marriage.” The annulment process is definitely NOT saying that there was no love involved and there wasn’t some form of relationship there. It is also not saying that there wasn’t a valid civil contract (thus, all children born of this valid civil contract are legitimate). This process looks at an entirely different realm – the spiritual one – as this is the Catholic Church’s domain.

Why is an annulment necessary?

The Catholic Church teaches that marriage (as created by God for all people), if created, is permanent, exclusive, fruitful and ordered to the good of the spouses. This means that marriage is until death parts them – and not divorce (permanent); it is between one man and one woman (exclusive); it is open to the procreation and education of children (fruitful); and creates a relationship that is an equal partnership of the whole of life that strives to the growth of the two people involved (ordered to the good of the spouses).

Because the Catholic Church teaches that marriage is permanent, and that IF it was created that no human power can separate what God has joined together (not even the civil government who has the power to end the civil contract that they call marriage), then once two people stand in front of God and everybody and IF they create what the Catholic Church defines as marriage, then it cannot be dissolved. That marriage bond is in place until death.

So, no new marriage covenant can be created with someone else, because the party who has been married before still is bound to that first person, since the bond, if formed, cannot be ended with a civil divorce.

Therefore, the Catholic Church investigates, through the annulment process, whether an actual marriage, as defined by the Church, came into being. If they determine, by examining the facts presented to the Tribunal, that no “marriage” came into being, then the parties are free to contract marriage with someone else.

Why do I need one if I’m not Catholic?

If you are not Catholic and you are planning on marrying a Catholic, then you may be asked to go through the annulment process. This may seem odd, given that both people from the first union are not Catholic and it doesn’t make sense that the Catholic Church should investigate this marriage.

The Catholic Church recognizes, as a valid marriage, any marriage between two people who were free to marry (no previous marriages between them). Basically, if the non-Catholic church of either party recognized the marriage as valid, so does the Catholic Church, and since marriage, as God created it, is permanent, then these marriages also need to be investigated.

And, anyone who is wanting to marry a Catholic, has to “play by our rules,” so to speak, since the Catholic whom they are marrying must abide by these laws of the Church.

The Catholic Church believes that the teachings on what marriage is binds all people whether they are Catholic or not, given that it is part of God’s Divine Law.

Options other than an annulment?

Are there other options for working with previous marriages other than the annulment process? Yes, indeed there are.

If a person was either Catholic or married to a Catholic and they did not get married according to the canonical form of marriage (in front of a Catholic priest/deacon with two witnesses), and there was no Church permission to do that (called a dispensation from form), then this would be called a Lack of Form case and can be dealt with by proving that one of the parties was Catholic (with their baptismal record) and that they did not get married according to Catholic form (with the marriage license) and that they are now civilly divorced (with the divorce decree).

If one of the parties to the first marriage was not baptized, and that non-baptism can be proven, and the person who is applying for this process was not the cause of the breakdown of the marriage, then a Privilege of the Faith case or Petrine Privilege case, can be sent to Rome and the non-sacramental marriage can be dissolved, leaving those parties free to remarry.

If both of the parties were non-baptised throughout the course of the marriage, and now the party applying wants to become baptized and marry a Catholic, and the non-baptism of both parties can be proven, then a Pauline Privilege case can be done and the non-sacramental marriage can be dissolved, leaving those parties free to remarry (after the one who desired baptism has received it).

Conclusion:

A basic rule of thumb to follow is that if there was a previous marriage contracted by either you or your fiance, be sure to tell your priest. That marriage will have to be addressed in some form or another, either by a documentary case, a privilege case or a formal annulment process.

3 Stars The world’s strangest definition of legitimacy
This book was published by the Paulist Press and has a Nihil Obstat, so in theory it should be an accurate presentation of the issues.

However, on pages 185-186, on Q. 97, Do declarations of nullity render children illegitimate (not, by the way, included in the index, which refers only to p. 97 for legitimacy and has no entry for illegitimacy at all), it reads:

“Second, the misappropriation of the term _illegitimate_ indicates a misunderstanding of legitimacy. _Legitimacy_ is a term used by many legal systems throughout the world. The term indicates knowledge of a child’s paternity . . . The term _legitimacy_ connotes that a child’s father is the husband of the child’s mother at the time of conception or birth. In no way could a declaration of nullity deny a child’s paternity. At the time of birth, the legally presumed relationship between the child’s father and mother was indeed that of husband and wife. A declaration of nullity does not deny this, so the legitimacy of the child cannot be affected.”

There are major problems here. First of all, “legitimacy” and “known paternity” are not the same thing at all. There have, historically, been “acknowledged illegitimate children” in which a man voluntarily claimed responsibility for a child born out of wedlock. There have been “bastardy bonds” in which, in the days before blood testing and DNA testing, a court assigned responsibility for the begetting and support of a child to a man. There are, today, numerous paternity suits brought my mothers, social service agencies, and other entities for numerous purposes, ranging from support to obtaining a relinquishing of parental rights for adoption. Paternity is _not_ dependent upon the parents’ being married to one another at the time of conception or birth.

On p. 185, the author points out that, “In Church law a marriage that is declared null is thereafter referred to as a ‘putative,’ or ’supposed,’ marriage. It was a marriage contracted inviolation of an impediment, or with a condition or defective consent, but entered into in good faith on the part of one or both of the contracting parties.”

Actually, that isn’t true either, since elsewhere in the book he points out that it’s possible for both parties to a subsequently-annulled marriage to have entered into it in bad faith, but that’s a different question. See page 176: “The Church is really declaring, in hindsight, that on the day of the wedding specific factors, such as defective consent, problems regarding its legitimate manifestation or the ineligibility of the bride or groom, prevented the two individuals from bringing about a valid marriage–as had been presumed. . . . The tribunal can only declare whether or not it has been proven that the marriage was invalid from the start.”

The whole point of the above is that a “declaration of nullity” (a term which the author prefers to “annulment”) declares that in fact the marriage never existed. Some people, possibly including one or both of the “putative” or “supposed” spouses, just thought that it did — but they were mistaken.

If the marriage never existed, then the children cannot have been conceived or born in wedlock. The inevitable logical conclusion is that some people, possibly including one or both of their parents, just “supposed” that they were.

The declaration doesn’t affect the status of the children under secular law. That’s true enough. If there was a valid civil marriage, followed by a valid civil divorce, the children are legitimate for purposes of inheritance, etc. However, the canon law statement that they are “legitimate” is a purely arbitrary declaration (aimed at outcome, the result that the system wants to achieve, rather than input, the nature of the procedure being carried out).

If these two pages are so inaccurate, I become suspicious about the rest of the book.

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The Premarital Counseling Handbook

December 5th, 2008 by admin

The Premarital Counseling Handbook



In any endeavor, dreams and goals not backed by concrete plans and preparations can result in failure. And marriage is no exception, claims H. Norman Wright. In fact, without solid planning and forethought by engaged couples, we will surely see a continuation of the startling divorce rate among Christians and non-Christians alike. On the other hand, thorough premarital counseling and preparation can result in lifelong marriages that are fulfilling and God honoring. That’s where the church comes in. More and more churches are realizing that their responsibility lies not only in pronouncing men and women ‘husband and wife,’ but also in making sure the proper foundation is laid so that marriages have a better chance of standing strong under pressure. Since its introduction in 1977 as Premarital Counseling, this book has been used by literally thousands of churches throughout the country as both a guide and reference tool. Now Dr. Wright has added new material to cover some perplexing issues that have come into prominence only recently. Among those special concerns are: Interracial marriages Second marriages Marriages of persons from dysfunctional families Writing for both pastors and other premarital counselors, H. Norman Wright sets you at ease about the counseling process, even if you’ve had only limited counseling experience. As the author of the popular Before You Say I Do and numerous other books on marriage, H. Norman Wright documents in The Premarital Counseling Handbook methods hat have proved successful. These will help insure that the marriages performed in your church will resist the pressures that are destroying today’s married couples.

User Ratings and Reviews

2 Stars Very Christian slant
Interesting points, however, buyer should know that it takes a pastoral, not necessarily a counseling, perspective to couple’s work.

4 Stars Premarital Counseling
This is a great book for therapists who need general, well-rounded information regarding how to conduct pre-marital counseling.

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Getting Ready for Marriage Workbook How to Really Get to Know the Person Youre Going to Marry

December 5th, 2008 by admin

Getting Ready for Marriage Workbook How to Really Get to Know the Person Youre Going to Marry




Through interactive exercises, couples discover the roots of their beliefs, sight potential problem areas, and learn how to successfully work through problems. Couples are then encouraged to make their own covenants in specific areas such as financial matters, resolving conflict, religious orientation, and family planning & children – essential in building a strong marriage partnership.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Getting married?
This is a workbook. It gives you a few pages to read and then questions for you and your partner to consider. It is a great way to discuss all areas of your relationship. It gives you a chance to get differences out into the open and resolve them before the I do’s. You enter into your marriage with full knowledge of how each other were raised, what you expect your role to be and also your partner’s role, finances, beliefs, etc.

Definite must read.

5 Stars It’s crucial to really get to know your future spouse before you decide to get married!
Unfortunately during dating couples often put on their best face (their social personality) and it’s difficult to really get to know the person they are dating (both their social and the domestic personality). If you, as well as the person that you have been dating for a significant period of time (the longer the better) are strong Christians and are considering marriage, this book will help you to really get to know your potential future spouse before making the final decision. It’s a good supplement to professional pre-marital counseling. This book is the text for the marriage course of Teen U.

3 Stars For the young and unexiperienced
I suppose the book would had been better for me and mine if we were still 20. Very basic not bad but more for the younger couples.

4 Stars hummm
brings up some good questions. Your man will hate this book but you just have to ask sometimes lol. Good book.

4 Stars Good book, but not the best
We are using this book since a class we are doing is using it as the curriculum. The book itself has some great discussion points and as other reviewers have mentioned it is geared towards Christian couples. However, my fiance and I started going through Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott “How to Save Your Marriage Before it Starts” and we found that one a lot more interesting to read and go through. This book has a lot of complex scoring and it’s hard to put a numerical score on a relationship. Overall, it does bring up key issues you may not have considered before.

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