Lies at the Altar The Truth About Great Marriages
Lies at the Altar The Truth About Great Marriages
Psychologist Dr. Robin Smith reveals how to turn vows made at the altar into realistic plans for a long and happy marriage
Dr. Robin Smith advises couples on how to take the wedding vows that were made in earnest and in innocence, to a level where they can be used to build a happy, healthy, satisfying and long-lasting marriage. Lies at the Altar is for couples who are planning marriage, are newly married, or who have been married for years.
In Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages, Dr. Robin Smith addresses the unspoken needs, unasked questions, outrageous expectations, and hidden agendas that often linger beneath the surface of the wedding vows and appear later to cause power struggles, suffering, and feelings of hopelessness in marriages.
Dr. Smith discusses why it’s important to have one’s “eyes wide open” in a marriage; how to write true vows to live by; and why it’s never too late to rewrite your vows. She illustrates her advice with detailed stories from her own life, as well as from couples that she has counseled. And in her inspiring conclusion, she invites couples to light up their lives by acknowledging each other as individuals, each of whom lights a candle, and who lights a third candle which represents “us”.
Calling “truth” the secret ingredient of great marriages, Dr. Smith teaches individuals and couples how to find the truth within themselves and their partners, whether they are heading to the altar, suffering in an unhappy marriage, divorced, or simply want to bring more satisfaction and intimacy into their relationship.
User Ratings and Reviews
4 Stars before (!) the altar
This is easy to read basic review of what ingredients need to be in a good, commited relationship. This book will not save a cracked relationship and will not prevent divorce. It is not about “how to” (speak to each other), but about “what” (the content of the conversations should be). I highly recommend it also to the people facing divorce, seeking for affirmation what the content of a relationship should be, what they have missed or couldn’t get with the current partner they are splitting with.
The excercises consist of a series of questions or better topics the partners need to discuss. As some questions might not be applicable to discuss or answer or you might find it completely uninteresting, most of suggestions are very interesting and important. The questions are not put up front to discuss who is right and who is wrong, but to make couples learn how to make compromises on important issues and accept each other’s different points of view.
In the ubiquitous gloryfing of the marriage ritual, many people have forgotten that the person they are marrying is more important than the color scale of your grand event. Havin second thoughts before the wedding? Read this! It will not destroy the relationship, but it will help you evaluate it. This book helps to prevent ignoring the right gut feelings. It is your companion and on your side. You don’t need to consult a relative that probably wants to see you nicely dressed at your wedding and will not listen to your worries properly as the wedding preparations heaten up.
Unfortunately, dr. Smith’s writing contains some religious elements at times, which is not surprising given the fact she teaches as an adjunct professor at Eastern Baptist Theological Seminary. This might be disturbing to some, but my advise is to ignore it. Ironically, she is quoting Sartre (an atheist) at one occasion to support a bit of spiritualistic point of view. Referrals to God are, however, not the foundation of the book and can be overlooked if you posess a bit of a tolerance (and if you don’t, better not get married). I believe dr. Smith’s experiences from her practice are very valuable and the book is worth buying.
I benefited from dr. Smith’s positive encouragement to independent thinking for women. There is this gentle feministic touch that may empower women to look behind the farirytale role of stuffing themselves in a white dress for one single day, smiling for cameras until it hurts and then suffering entire life due to emotional or physical abuse just becase divorce is unacceptable.
Apparently, we all bring some lies in front of the altar and the book helps you find yours as well.
If you have a close friend who is getting married in a few months, consider this as a gift way in advance! I had some fun discussing the topics with my close friend (and at times bitching about men and life in general, hahaha).
5 Stars lies at the alter
was sent promply and the book was in VERy , well brand new shape. thanks
4 Stars Pretty good read
I just finished reading the book and feel it provided some good lessons and a generally good read. I think the book is best suited for people who are not yet married or those who have had relationship trouble in the past that they would like to move on from.
The book was a little long-winded in some ways but provided great scenarios from (what I assume to be) her clients from marriage counseling. That was what I liked most about the book. Instead of talking about imaginary scenarios and results, it provided real situations she had seen couples go through during conflict. This helped me visualize the situations of conflict in my own engagement and I felt able to relate to some of the people she mentioned, whom are people going through the typical things to cause conflict… Money, beliefs, past wounds, whether or not to have children..
She discusses the reasons many conflicts arise, and how many conflicts are much deeper than the surface. For example, she writes about a couple who are fighting over how much the wife pampers her 23 year old son whom is out of the house (doing his laundry, stocking his fridge), and how the anger the husband felt was evoked by having it hard when he moved out and not having the support of his parents (as well as being raised to believe that a person should be able to take care of him/herself after moving out). The author also explains how to turn cycles of blame and anger into understanding, through use of mostly the technique of mirroring; repeating back what the other partner said to be sure that anger doesn’t twist the other partner’s words to cause misunderstanding or resentment.
Honesty and maturity is a huge theme of this book. Looking past the flowery words and lovely dress, and thinking deeper about a marriage’s future. Creating vows that really speak what you intend, instead of vows that have hidden intentions. (For example, saying that you will always ‘be by your side’ when you intend to go off on your own for days. Or perhaps saying that you will always be there for your partner, but only when they’re considerate.)
The intended audience for this book is women. This must be understood. Men can also benefit from this book but it is mostly an empowering book for women. It encourages women in bad relationships to have the courage to make change or realize that they deserve to be happy. It encourages people in good marriages to embrace each other and their current state of being, to look deeper into the disagreements that may arise so they can understand the background it is created by.
Made me think more about how I feel about life and what creates my beliefs.
The ‘questions before marriage’ weren’t a big thing for me, because we already know almost everything listed about each other already. We were comfortable enough with each other that we discussed children, finances, religion, sexuality, politics, how to raise a kid, etc before we even got engaged. But it would be very valuable for most couples who may overlook important questions, or cringe at the thought of discussing deeply about beliefs (it’s well worth doing).
A good book for couples who want a healthy mature relationship free of the cycles of stress and blame that so many couples go through. Offers valuable advice.
5 Stars Helpful info for any marriage
I heard about this book from a relative who had read it. I didn’t think that I would like it so I checked it out at the library. After reading through it over several weeks, I had to buy a copy of my own. There are some very helpful tips in this book. I have recommended it to several friends.
4 Stars Read before the trip to the altar
Simple stated, factual and sprinkled with personal anecdotes, this offers a great way to hold up a mirror to your present relationship and see if you are a good fit, both personally and together, before a trip to the altar, especially if you have any doubts.
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