How To Heal A Painful Relationship

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Excellent ! A must read !
I have read close to 50 books on relationships, marriage, etc… and this is by far the most valuable book I have read on the topic. It’s short, to the point, written simply and clearly. No psycho-babble here ! Each chapter covers one point, an example to illustrate the point and a summary list of what action to take. He covers how to get rid of resentment, conflict, heal the hurt and find the issues that destroy love. Definitely a life-changing book !

5 Stars This Book Changed My Life
This book changed my life and the way I handle all relationships. I am recommending it to all of my friends.

It taught me that learning to let go is the key to healing any relationship. And though it sounds anti-intuitive, learning to let go brings people closer. I think it is useful for all people, not just married people going through a difficult time but unmarried people too. (I am not married, not even engaged–just in a long distance relationship.) This book has made me a stronger person and this positive attitude has permeated my relationship with my boyfriend.

5 Stars Not only for intimate relationships
This is a well-written and insightful book on relationships and how they relate to the individual. In fact, your relationships truly ARE all about YOU. The author dispells the theory that relationships are 50/50. I never thought of it quite this way, but as he points out they are truly 100/100. Both persons are FULLY responsible for what happens in a relationship. It is all about actions and reactions. You can apply the concepts in this book to intimate relationships as well as working relationships…whatever… Anytime two people interact you have a relationship.

One caveat is that you may find yourself thinking that there is a bit of repetition of the same ideas in the book. Well, there are repetitions. However, they are useful and the repetition is not excessive.

Even if you are in a fabulous relationship/marriage, you owe it to yourself to read this book. It is relatively short and is a quick read. Most of the concepts in the book are nothing new, but the presentation forces you to really think it through. I suspect that you will find yourself thinking “I never really thought of it exactly like that before” quite a few times as you read.

Easy read, well written, good concepts, buy the book!

RHB

5 Stars Excellent Advice for How to Let Go
This is a great book that taught me how to let go. I’m going through a difficult separation process right now and it has given me the strength and the insights to let go and find my peace of mind. The book is not written with a lot of psychology wordiness but rather straight to the point with simple language that anyone can understand…

I would recommend this book to anyone who is going through a separation or divorce in their marriage.

5 Stars HOPE
Please read this book. To say this is the most important book I’ve ever read after the Bible is an understatement. I cannot strongly enough express my heartfelt recommendation for these simple, elegantly written, true words of how to place hope and faith in action. This book will give you insight, perhaps not the kind you’re expecting; in fact, it’s not what you’re expecting.

That is what makes this message unlike any other. Seriously, it is all true, based on our (wife) life changing relationship experience this book inspired. Bill’s book saved a marriage of 20 years. [also help from his brother Randy Ferguson - LCAProject.com] Nothing I’ve done or read has been more transformational than this work. Enough said.

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Ethical Legal and Professional Issues in the Practice of Marriage and Family Therapy 4th Edition

This best-selling text for students, supervisors, and practitioners in marriage and family therapy examines the cultural, ethical, legal, and professional issues of marriage and family therapy using values as a beginning point for practice decisions. Organized in a four-part format, the book includes current cultural issues; examines ethical codes, problems, and domains; offers perspective on the latest legislation; and discusses issues of professional identity. Three chapters devoted to case studies add context and illustrate the complexities inherent in marriage and family therapy. One of these “casebook” chapters addresses ethical issues (Chapter 7), one deals with legal issues (Chapter 10) and one looks at professional issues (Chapter 12).In the fourth edition, emphasis is retained for classic ethical, legal, and professional concerns arming readers with more knowledge about: the personal, professional, and institutional layers of values affecting marriage and family therapists; managed mental health care; culturally responsive marriage and family therapy; the impact and use of technology in marriage and family therapy; and the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) and its influence on marriage and family therapy practice.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Well-thumbed
I qualified 2 years ago as a Marriage and Family Therapist and I know how vital it is for the therapist to have a firm grasp of the ethical and legal issues involved. And this book is a fine guide. Not being sexist or anything, but you just don’t know when some flaky female client is going to misunderstand something you say and slap a harrassment suit on you. 9 times out of ten the husbands don’t back you up in those sort of circumstances either so you need something like this book to bail you out. Excellent.

3 Stars reviewing an ehtics review
This book plows familiar ground in many places and can be at times confusing or overly technical. On the other hand, the two chapters that address ethical issues on a case by case basis do a wonderful job of identifying an ethical issue, discussing cases and laws that apply and then making a suggestion for that particular instance or example. I plan to use this text to supplement the Corey and Corey text on ethics for an ethics course for MFT’s.

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Redemptive Divorce A Biblical Process That Offers Guidance for the Suffering Partner Healing for the Offending Spouse and the Best Catalyst for Restoration

A graceful, biblical way to reclaim sanity for the home and dignity for the suffering spouse in a dysfunctional or dangerous marriage.

Thousands of conscientious believers wanting to honor the sacred vows they took before God suffer in dysfunctional, even dangerous marriages. Each and every day they must choose between the lesser of two evils: divorce without sound biblical support or a life of perpetual, unrelenting misery. Somewhere between the secular disregard for the commands of Christ and the sacred unwillingness to deal with real problems of people, there is a way.

The redemptive divorce process is designed to honor the sacredness of the union while offering practical relief for the suffering partner and tough love for the offending spouse. In some cases, it might even be the catalyst for the restoration and rebuilding of the marriage. Practical, provocative, and utterly unique, Redemptive Divorce includes a helpful guide with worksheets for implementation.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars A different look at Christian marital difficulties
I thought this book offered a different approach to the troubled Christian marriage. It was easy to read, and so sensitive to hurting people. I appreciated the Biblical support for the ideas in the book, and I can already think of people who could use this in their lives.

5 Stars This is a wonderful book!
Whether you are married,divorced, or single, this book is a wonderful one to read! For me this book has open up opportunities to talk with friends of mine who are recently going through a divorce.

Thank you Mark for seeking God’s Word, and following His direction by writing this book!

5 Stars An Important Book Indeed

My favorite bit from Boswell’s LIFE OF JOHNSON is the conversation about critics. Years after Samuel Johnson’s dictionary was published – and his lit-crit, his essays, and even a successful novel – he was asked about a critic who once commended his early writings. Johnson replied, ‘Ah yes, he was kind enough to praise me, at a time when praise was of value to me.’ Admittedly, such quotes have a chastening affect. But in writing as well as reading, praise has a vital function. Movements are begun, revolutions undertaken, history made – when important writing is taken seriously. This, it should be noted, is precisely the role of praise. Confronted with Johnson’s probity (which is certain to be shared by Gaither), one is slow to affront an author’s modesty. But this book should be taken seriously, so I will do what must be done.

The importance of REDEMPTIVE DIVORCE can be enumerated in the following.

(1): It is written from below. In an essay on WAR AND PEACE, Isaiah Berlin made the comment – and its truth has stayed palpably with me – that Tolstoy’s novel about Napoleon’s wars was potent, even overwhelming, because he wrote about everyday people. He called this ‘writing from below.’ He understood that sweeping accounts of historical significance mean nothing without the telling details: disappointments and hurts and joys – the vast landscape of human feeling, all woven into the tapestry of war. This is what Mark Gaither has done. Through the inclusion of real-life anecdotes, many letters from people in pain, a review of his personal experience, and analysis of various perspectives, Mr. Gaither has shown his understanding of the issues runs deeper than the merely academic. This is no dry, pedantic treatise. This book is a book about life, and it’s written for the people who shoulder its burdens.

(2): It is written from above. Though the book is suffused with a crisp and limpid style, its ideas have been marinated in careful scholarship. And it doesn’t neglect the big picture. Mr. Gaither refers to Thomas Kuhn’s idea of ‘paradigm shift.’ Here he suggests that his book is a fresh new way of looking at things, comparing the issues of marriage and divorce to a wall so vast that it cannot be passed by going around its flank. Mr. Gaither writes, ‘We need a new solution. We need a new dimension to our thinking – up. We must climb OVER the wall, something we never thought to do before’ (emphasis mine). In other words, he does more than recycle all the trite platitudes about the do’s and don’ts of marriage. The claim the author makes – that his book is a paradigm shift – is not very far from the truth. REDEMPTIVE DIVORCE is like dynamite, quiet and still unexploded, lying around the quarry of conventional ideas. (Detonation occurs when the book is thoughtfully read.) The writing is ‘from above’ in another important matter: scope. It’s a vast nexus of considerations – personal, Biblical, ecclesiastical, legal; no stone is left unturned. This breadth of analysis lends to the writing a maturity of style and depth of insight which are remarkable, and rare, in a book of 153 pages. One gets a feeling about such books: they are destined to become the standards.

(3): It is written for the Body of Christ. The ideas in the book are clearly distilled from the vial of the author’s experience, his dutiful study and learning, his deep concern for the Body. The convergence of these tributaries, and the scope and detail of treatment, make the book important for everyone – all who care for the Body. As Mr. Gaither writes in the introduction: ‘That’s when I realized that the audience for this book needed to include pastors, counselors, attorneys, family members, and friends of those struggling to survive dysfunctional marriages…I wrote REDEMPTIVE DIVORCE to help people drowning in the chaos of dysfunction…I wrote it for these people, but I also wrote it to those who want to help them.’ This, I believe, is the author’s cri de coeur. Each point on the web of concern, when vibrating with issues of marriage, should be nourished by the nectar of the Word. Such instruction should always be integrated. Mr. Gaither understands this point, and he tethers all the dangling tendrils. Each person on the spectrum of care – from parishioner to counselor to pastor to doctrinaire – is included in the successive folds of this book. That Gaither could span all the levels, and do it with quartz-like clarity, is a marvel of condensation. But this theme of integration – that all parties are instructed by a central crucial thesis – is the organizing principle of REDEMPTIVE DIVORCE. I don’t mean to bore by repetition, but this book is important for everyone. In observation of the author’s approach, to me it just seems self-evident: it springs from a love for the Body, whose eyes and ears and hands and feet all function to serve the Master (1 Cor. 12).

This breadth and balance of purpose is stark in relief against other books on similar subjects. REDEMPTIVE DIVORCE shreds the shawls and sheets of stifling and unhelpful convention, leaving behind a festoon of tattered finery. Yet its freshness and honesty are more than attractive gloss. Biblical analysis, nuanced consideration of thoughts from church fathers, and poignant lessons from personal experience – all form a network of ideas which buttress the book’s appendices on practical and legal matters (which are very helpful indeed). Theologically, and practically, this is a meaty book.

Personally, I am hopeful for its success. But I remind myself of Marx, who complained that sales from CAPITAL wouldn’t pay for the cigars he smoked while writing it. Only the venal pass judgement on books by referring to actuaries. But, after reading REDEMPTIVE DIVORCE, I am certain its place will be established. Here we come full circle, and return to the importance of books. This one indeed is important – important for the whole of the Body. There is little doubt, I think, that it will soon become the standard.

5 Stars Great, biblical advice
This book was very helpful and clearly laid out a plan that someone could follow if they were interested in one last effort at restoration of a failing marriage. It offers a thoughtful explanation of how “the church” has failed–in many respects–when it comes to counseling and supporting Christians who are in a painful/destructive marriage. It is balanced and suggests that forgiveness and healing for BOTH parties should be the goal. It directly tackles some of the most vexxing questions one faces in trying to figure out “What would Jesus want me to do in this situation?” I loved it and bought more copies to share with friends, my counselor and pastor.

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Letters to My Daughters A Dads Thoughts on a Most Important Decision Marriage

A dad shares his heart and wisdom with his three daughters regarding a life-changing decision: marriage. In Letters to My Daughters: A Dad’s Thoughts on a Most Important Decision – Marriage, Paul Friesen, a marriage counselor, pastor, and relationship expert, pens 52 letters from a dad’s loving heart to help his three daughters and any other young person, male or female, think more clearly about this all-important decision.

Rebecca Manley Pippert, author of Out of the Salt Shaker, has said, “This book has something for everyone! It offers tremendous wisdom for teens and collegiates [or anyone for that matter] to consider before they choose a spouse. It is also a wonderful book for men who want to be better fathers. And it reveals, perhaps without intending to, what God desires a family to really be. I think Friesen carries forward the great tradition of the renowned author, Walter Trobisch. Letters to My Daughters is full of practical wisdom, touching stories, humor, and a refreshing look at what godly living is all about.”

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars The Right Stuff
For any woman in a relationship (or hoping to be) who wants to do things the right way – in God’s will. This is a collection of encouraging letters from a loving, concerned father who wants to see his three daughters not “settle” for anything less than the man God has prepared for them. With the typical outlook on marriage and relationships these days being such a negative, this book shines light on the fact that it is possible to have a good, solid marriage.

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No Place for Abuse Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a leading cause of injury and death to women worldwide. One in five women around the globe is physically or sexually abused in her lifetime, and gender violence causes more death and disability among women aged 15 to 44 than cancer, malaria, traffic accidents or war. Regrettably, the church is not immune to this problem; some studies suggest that incident rates of domestic violence among active churchgoers are not much lower than those among the general populace.Representing the International Task Force on Abuse, formed under the auspices of the Women’s Commission of the World Evangelical Fellowship, Catherine Clark Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark have listened to the voices of women from around the world and especially to those within the church. Now they help us hear their cries and find concrete ways to respond so that no home will be a place of abuse.In this immensely helpful guide you’ll find:

• true stories and statistics that illustrate the gravity and extent of the domestic violence
• a look at what Scripture says about domestic violence, including verbal abuse and patterns of concealment, secrecy and silence
• a discussion of how proper concerns for Christian families can be twisted to endanger women and their children
• an assessment of alternatives to suffering in silence in a threatening environment
• practical tools for pastors and other counselors for interviewing abuse victims and perpetrators
• outlines for sermons, Bible studies and youth group activities that address the problem of domestic violence

No Place for Abuse is an essential book for pastors, counselors, church leaders, missionaries, evangelists, teachers–indeed, for anyone who wants to make a difference in women’s lives.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars A MUST READ!
I teach on the college level on the topic of The Biblical Role of Men and Women. I found this and the other books by Catherin Clark Kroeger to be excellent! How in the world did The Prince of Peace’s followers ever think that violence was approved by Jesus Christ? He never did! This book should be made available to every pastor, teenager and young engaged couple! A must read!

4 Stars Exploration into the Abuse of Women both in and out of the Evangelical Christian Church.
In this already venerated work, Catherine Clark Kroger and Nancy Nason-Clark embark on a research-supported analysis and exploration into the widespread abuse of women existing both in and out of the evangelical Christian Church.

This book is not specifically written for abused women. Instead, it is directed toward Christian pastors and laypeople willing to increase their awareness of, and provide support to, abuse victims around the world. The global prevalence of abuse and violence against females is surveyed throughout the text, along with a concluding chapter on our “global responsibility” to suffering women.

In its scope, a reader will learn 59% of female homicides occur by the hand of an intimate partner (in Zimbabwe); that 18% of women seek emergency care because of domestic violence (in Papua New Guinea); and that (in Cambodia) 50% of women report sustained injuries due to spousal abuse. In addition, the authors address female circumcision, foot-binding, dowries, and other important global issues.

A useful resource, this book provides insight into the dynamics of abuse: cycles of violence, why women remain in dangerous environments, the personal characteristics of the abusive man, etc. Useful tools for Christian counselors and pastors are specified, for instance, “Questions to Ask Yourself When Responding to an Abused Woman,” and checklists such as “How Caring is My Congregation” and “Unhealthy [Church] Responses [to Abused Women],” are interspersed within the chapters.

One’s heart and stomach will turn while reading these pages, endeavoring to maintain the sentiment of Philippians 4:8 “…whatever is…noble,…right,…pure,…lovely,…admirable,…excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things” while still addressing this troublesome issue. Vignettes of women experiencing physical and sexual abuse at the hands of their husbands offer more than a glance at the most disturbing reality of violence and serve to provide the reader deep awareness, sympathy, shock and motivation to promote change.

Critiques of the Church are present throughout, illustrating instances where churches have acted with neglect and evil: a Bible college dismissing a woman who was beaten in public by her husband, a parish condemning the divorce of a woman who was left for dead in the woods after a third murder attempt, a woman beaten with a metal tricycle in her sleep, a husband trying to turn his wife into a prostitute (and “despite her frequent pleas” she was encouraged to endure), one vignette where a pastor rapes a parishioner, and there are many more.

To balance, the text provides several examples of ministries that provide excellent support and care for abused women, churches that hold up women through long periods of need.

In addition, the authors do well to provide a biblically solid position against abuse, and correct several misuses of Scripture including 1 Peter 3:1-6, “…For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master…” which is often misused to the travail of women.

The greatest asset of this book is its solid research foundation, for all points are referenced fittingly, and I

commend this text for lacking any breaks in logic, or unsupported speculations. In the end, this scripturally sound book is disquieting, eye-opening, and persistently optimistic about reform and an improved future for women worldwide.

FInal Note: Telephone and Online Counseling might be a good way of helping hurting women. To learn how to provide telephone and online counseling, try this very well prepared book: The Therapist’s Clinical Guide to Online Counseling and Telephone Counseling: The Definitive Training Guide for Clinical Practice

5 Stars An Excellent Book
I teach a distance learning course about family violence and this is the required reading for my course. The students are required to write a paper on this book, and usually their response includes that they can’t believe that spousal abuse happens in the church.

Christians can easily hide abuse that happens within the home. We can easily put on our “Sunday face” when we’re around our church family, but at home, it’s a different story. If you work in any ministry within the church, I would recommend that you read this book. What I like about this book is that it also has an international focus – it’s not just focused on the U.S. So, even if you’re a missionary in another country, this is a good read for you too. This will help you to understand the problem and cycle of spousal abuse and how you can help those in the midst of it.

5 Stars Worth every penny you spend
This book is a MUST HAVE. You can be free from abuse!!
If you have been looking for a book that speaks on abuse and what God says about it, look no further. This is an excellent book, a resource for every library. This book is a helpful tool for an abused woman who finds herself in an abusive relationship but feels trapped due to traditional teachings on marriage and family. What does God say about it? It will show her how clearly the Lord is vehemently opposed to abuse and what she can do about it. This book is invaluable in the hands of leaders in the church and lay people who find themselves face to face with abuse, whether it be a friend or relative or church member. You can be instrumental in ministering hope and healing for those involved in such relationships. I also recommend with five stars “The Verbal Abusive Relationship: how to recognize it and how to respond” by Patricia Evans. Another fantastic book that gives an inside window view of the day in the life of a marriage suffering with abuse and real helps for those hurting.

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The Marriage Clinic A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy Norton Professional Books

A complete marital therapy program based on the author’s much heralded research on marital success and failure. Research on why some couples divorce and others experience sustained bliss has led to a theory, including the fact that successful couples have an abundance of good feelings toward one another and are able to deal with inevitable conflicts without becoming hostile. This book offers a theoretically based systematic approach to assessing and treating dysfunctional marriages. It is packed with specific interventions and exercises.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Recommended reading for all relationships
Dr Gottman is a noted researcher in the field of interpersonal relationships. You can read the summary for the book in the description. I was never one of those readers who thinks Sister Mary Amazon will give me a gold star on my report if I bore you with 500 lines of basically repeating the publisher’s summary.

The book is purportedly about marriage. I can tell you as an unmarried person that this information can apply to all relationships. I use many of the principles described in the book in my day to day relationships with friends, merchants, coworkers and other people I don’t have a joint checking account with.

Its recommended reading between relationships. You can learn why things went south, for example. It also is a good metric for gauging new people. If they behave in a way that looks like you are going to be heading towards a troubled relationship, you can either bail or try to guide things in the right way.

5 Stars Exceptional!
At last there is an answer to the question I’ve been asking since beginning my studies in psychology–”Isn’t there anything ELSE?” There are many schools of thought that reign in fiefdoms of psychology, including systems theory, behaviorism, Imago, and psychodynamic to name a few. Each is dogmatic, and when tested across research studies, all can benefit patients (despite zealous claims to the contrary by the priesthoods in each camp). However, until I read The Marriage Clinic, I was not aware that our field has shown such poor results in the area of marital therapy. While individual psychotherapy tends to work, Gottman sites research to show that marital therapy does not create lasting change. This is serious.

Our current state of the art in marital and family therapy tends include unsatisfying, unnatural, and even ridiculous, techniques for clinicians to use with people facing the problem of how to improve their marriage. Thank goodness for people like Gottman, who actually collect data to inform decisions, and use common sense and humanity to understand and apply those findings. I see Gottman as our field’s greatest living visionary, whose research and relationship building techniques will hopefully spread to parent-child relationships and IO psychology as well.

As to this book specifically, don’t get it unless you are a clinician. If you are looking to help your own marriage, I suggest The Seven Principals of Making Marriage Work, which is very user friendly. The Marriage Clinic is quite technical in parts, and can be dense, however it is a very fun read. Gottman’s personality and humor come through loud and clear. I found myself laughing out loud at times. I confess I enjoy how he exposes the senselessness of so much of the techniques we currently utilize, and backs it up with meticulous research. This book begins with a solid lit review, a discussion of Gottman’s basic ideology and rationale, and then goes into the nuts and bolts of how to apply his ideas.

Even if you are not a marital therapist, it will change the way you look at relationships. He teaches a new vocabulary for describing what you are observing in relationships that I find exceptionally helpful. I would recommend this to anyone conducting psychotherapy, as it will improve your ability to make inferences about your patient’s relationships. I also enjoyed the case vignettes very much. If you like Gottman, I highly recommend his books on parenting as well.

4 Stars Gottman’s “The Marriage Clinic”
Excellent book on the importance of marriage and how to strengthen marriage. However, it is written more towards therapists, but if you are interested in how to strengthen marriage, this is an excellent resource

4 Stars research based couple’s therapy
I am a clinical psychologist who bought this book to update my skills for working with couples. The heart of the book is that Gottman believes that the “old” way of working on empathic listening between couple’s should not be the goal of therapy. He says that it is too hard for couples to listen to each other when they are being attacked and criticized. It put’s them on the defensive. I was intrigued by this hypothesis, but it is still possible to work on listening as non-defensively as possible. However, his point is well taken that we also need to build intimacy and connection as a primary goal of couple’s work. I also liked his notion that some things will not change in any relationship. These points of bad fit or mis-match can be transmuted into a situation where couple’s have more acceptance and humor around issues that are not likely to change. I still think there is no substitute for evaluating each couple on an individual basis. Any research based or technique driven prescription is likely to fall short of a skilled therapist tailoring the work to that individual couple. Overall, a helpful book – but has limitations!

5 Stars Evidence-based Marital Therapy
If I were to recommend only one book on marital therapy, this would be it. Gottman appears better grounded in research than any other marital therapist with whom I’m familiar. He does a great job of showing what actually works in long-lasting marriages and politely debunks a lot of the popular ideas about how to make marriages work. As just one example, he illustrates how unessential “I messages” are. The book also contains a lot of assessment tools and exercises that will be useful to therapists and couples.

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The Man of Her Dreams The Woman of His

(Available as E-book or Paperback! The E-book is listed for five dollars and fifty cents by seller, GodSaveMyMarriage. Please do not order the five and a half dollar option if you would like the paperback.)

Joel and Kathy Davisson experienced a troubled marriage for ten years while in the ministry. Their troubles culminated in adultery while pastoring their first church in 1991.

For three years they struggled and then began to learn fresh, life-giving principles of how to have an outrageously happy marriage. God taught them that marriage has been presented ‘upside down’ in the church for 45 years. The principles that Joel and Kathy started to live in 1994 set their marriage right side up and will do the same thing for yours.

Joel and Kathy lived this successful and new paradigm for ten years before writing their story and sharing the lessons learned.

Be sure to look for book two, also for sale here at Amazon! “The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His!2: Livin’ It and Lovin’ It!”

User Ratings and Reviews

1 Star Avoid this book!
My friend read this book and is now considering leaving her husband. The book indicates that, as wives, we can actually encourage a husband to behave badly toward us by staying with him and encourages a separation to wake him up. As we all know, most separations lead to divorce.

My friend explained to me that this book says the church today is teaching a lie and the Bible does not say wives are to submit to their husbands, but rather we are to “submit to one another”. I asked her about the scripture that indicates the husband is the head of the wife. She got a puzzled look on her face and said “I know, but…”.

So, I thought I had better check this book out for myself. The book does, in deed, quote the two passages in Ephesians and 1 Peter where the phrase “submit to one another” is used. However, it fails to mention that in neither passage is it used in the context of husbands and wives, but rather about submitting to one another within the church.

The book also fails to address the verse in Genesis where God said, “and her desire shall be for her husband and he shall rule over her.” It explains away the passage in Titus which says older women are to teach the younger women to be “obedient” to their husbands indicating the word “obedient” has been mistranslated and doesn’t really mean obedient but rather to desire to do good to them. But I looked up this word and it basically means “to place oneself under”.

The book has many faulty ideas and has the ability to cause great harm to the body of Christ. I believe that the authors’ intention was to correct men who treat their wives badly and the Bible does indicate that husbands should treat their wives with kindness, gentleness and love. But I believe the potential to do harm outweighs it’s potential to do good.

There are many other good books written for wives on marriage, such as “Created to Be His Helpmeet” by Debi Pearl. Her husband, Michael Pearl, is in the process of writing a book for the men.

Wives, avoid this book. It could destroy your marriage.

1 Star Don’t Judge This Book by its Cover
I was attracted to this book by the title, the reviews, and the endorsements. I read the excerpt and ordered the book. At first, the information sounded good. It gave Scriptural references to support its claims. But, the more I thought about the ideas espoused in the book and compared them with many places in Scripture, the more I realized that the concepts are not in line with the Word. Women who are looking for answers would do well to read and apply Stormie Omartian’s book,The Power of a Praying Wife.

4 Stars Good read, and very helpful
This book I read first, then my hubby did….

Years have we(I)tried many other ways of “fixing” our very broken marriage….

This book had helped us tremendously……. It was like a light turned on, and the light in our marriage began…. There are still many difficulties, but, I must say, this book, as well as my husbands willingness to see how bad things have gotten, has turned my marriage around… I thank Joel and Kathy, this book was a much needed light to our family…. I have bought other copies, and handed them to other couples too………… I think the teaching is something that has helped me, not only heal from many years of hurt and pain, but also help us to reconcile our differences….

I have only one complaint, and that is where they said that if the wife cheats, it is the husbands fault, (this is a very small part of the book), and my husband and I agreed whole-heartedly that we can not nor will not blame our sin on eachother. We both know when we stand before God we will give an account for our lives, and that anothers sin, we can not shoulder… we both have enough of our own, let alone dealing with the regret of someone elses… It is an easy out to point a finger….

This is the opposite of Love and Respect, which teaches it is the wife who causes her husband to sin. (yes, I have read both, and even took a love and respect study class, which led to my marriage inching even closer to divorce. I found many unbiblical principles in there, far more than this one I have found in Joel and Kathy’s book. I did Love and respect first, and was totally hopeless after going to lengths to “respect unconditionally”, it made things far worse.) I started getting into the Greek and Hebrew texts, along with many dictionary references, thesaurus, and many many other reference points on the teachings, Love and respect, and each one of them pointed straight to 2 Peter’s false teacher…. Then, I came across J & K’s book, which I picked up, thinking I could read it critically and find many many faults, like other books before, and was, actaully astonished that I could not comparatively find the mistakes, and false teachings that I had found in nearly every other book.. (Loads of books searching for the answers) I would suggest anyone reading any book, study it, test it, and try it with the bible, in finding the original texts and comentaries on verses, using the dictionary to find the words, what they mean, exactly what they mean, and all the words that are synonyms to help find a clear meaning of what you have read…. It takes a lot of foot work, but, the end results will mean, you will not be decieved with false teachings…

No matter how many books are put out there, the one true book, the only book to find all your answers is the BIBLE! I completely count on it for all of my truths to make my family better… But this book breaks it down into ways that a husband can “get” and help him in lay mans terms to understand how things are falling apart…

3 Stars Another good resource for marriages…
This book, along with using scripture, can help couples identify and address marital problems and remedy them so that their marriages can be blessed and happy. As each spouse is overflowing with the love of God, then their marriage will be happy and blessed. The church and society at large will benefit as happily married christian couples bring God’s kingdom into this world.

Just as God’s grace is multifaceted, I believe that solutions in life will be as well. There are many good marriage books. I just read an unflattering book review by the couple that wrote this book (which is how I got here), and I am concerned on a variety of levels. The following statements are from the bible and should be lived out. Christians are to submit to God first and then to one another. Christians are to love other christians and non-christians. Husbands are are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Wives are told to submit/obey their husbands. The weight of emphasis is what Joel has an issue with. He expresses frustration with the emphasis that if wives would only submit, husbands would love. I agree with him. But God’s order and design for marriage should not be dismissed. I need to love my enemies, regardless if they deserve it. Husbands and wives have responsibilities in marriage whether the spouses deserve it or not.

It is astounding to me that Joel would publicly denounce another book on the same subject matter in a book review on Amazon. He never finished reading the book he criticized. He claims that the bible teaching of women having to submit to their husbands is based on one LONELY scripture and is actually the reason that the church’s teaching on marriage has been ‘upside down’ for 45 years. He purports that his book teaches something inspired by God and corrects the generally accepted church marriage paradigm. On this topic, Joel claims to be prophetic.

He also claimed in his review that his greatest need as a man “is for me to learn what it means to lay my life down for my wife and love her as Christ loves the church,” not to be respected by his wife. These are not analogous. Actually, one is his responsibility/obligation (dying for his wife and loving her), the other is a reference to a desired response from his wife (respect). The author of “Love and Respect” (the critically reviewed book) makes that distinction. Husbands and wives are responsible to behave as the Bible teaches, regardless of the number of scriptures that support a behavior (for instance – being a living sacrifice). Respect is something I appreciate from others, especially my wife.

Another strong statement in the review is “I do not want my wife to feel like she is supposed to “respect” me simply because I am her husband or because the bible tells her to respect me. Yes, every man would like to feel respect – but does a Christlike man want his wife to respect him just because he is a male whom she is married to? No. A real man wants to live a life that is worthy of respect and wants to be respected because of the life that he lives.” He obviously was not worthy of her respect for many years in their marriage. In fact, his behavior while being a pastor was bad enough to disqualify him from ministry. We as christians should be living lives that please God which will engender the responses of respect and love in return. I would like to illustrate this from a wife’s perspective, using Joel’s quote, “I do not want my husband to feel like he is supposed to “love” me simply because I am his wife or because the bible tells him to love me. Yes, every woman would like to feel love – but does a Christlike woman want her husband to respect her just because she is a female whom he is married to? No. A real woman wants to live a life that is worthy of love and wants to be loved because of the life that she lives”? I would hope so. We should live what the bible says, even if others are not living the way they are supposed to be living. Proverbs 31 exhorts women to be virtuous. Men and women, regardless of being spouses, are called to be holy and loving.

Joel was a pastor when he was guilty of abusing his wife emotionally, physically, and spiritually. He eventually committed adultery. Interestingly, his parents were involved with pastoring as well, and his father had also committed adultery and left the family. It makes one wonder when a family of pastors can behave so badly. Joel, as the egregious offender, he needed to change, and not blame his wife. But what about when a wife commits adultery? Is it the husband’s fault? As David proclaimed, I have sinned against the Lord. Good marriage counseling addresses spousal accountabilities, thoughts and behaviors that are inconsistent with them, and strategies to help change the marriage for the better. Rarely is a bad marriage one spouse’s fault.

Before Joel’s book was written in 2004, many wonderful helpful biblical marriage books were already written. And if he had read those books, he may have avoided or shortened the length of the abuse and adultery that he was guilty of. A book that balances a husband’s responsibility in marriage and a wife’s responsibility in marriage is called “The Way of Agape” by Nancy Missler, written in 1995. Her marriage was in shambles as well, but she fought to preserve her marriage just like Joel’s wife fought to preserve theirs. Another book that was written from the perspective that a husband’s behavior alone could turn a marriage around is called “Rekindled, How to Keep the Warmth in Marriage” by Pat Williams, also written in 1995. Both books take different approaches, but the end result was the same – a saved, vibrant, restored marriage.

Hopefully, in the spirit of Christian love and humility, Joel will refrain from writing additional poor book reviews on marital topics, while promoting his own books. The love he promotes in this book for his wife comes from the Holy Spirit. The same source should influence Joel to be less critical of other marriage books.

3 Stars not sure what to think
I’ve enclosed a “paste” from a woman friend of mine who has recently had an experience with the author of this book and his website forums.

she only shared with me what she experienced on this site.

While I am a huge supporter in helping troubled marriages,she was taken back when the author recommended “divorcing” her husband.

I was surprised that someone who say’s that they are a pastor would recommend such a thing. Especially since there was no adultery!.

I have decided to look more into the book and it’s author.

I will post more later, but, for now,,

these are the words of a woman, who apparently has had a negative experience with the techniques in this book and apparently with the authors themselves. these are her words,

(Divorce is awful and so wrong. I wish more people understood that. As far as this forum goes it kind of creeps me out a bit. It seems a bit too ‘cultish’…if that’s even a word, you know? They are far too high on themselves and that their way is the only way. I believe that God’s way is the only way and He leads different people in different directions. J&K’s plan may work for some, obviously it has. It worked for them and I think that is wonderful. However, that doesn’t make it the only way. As soon as any of us as Christians start listening to anything but the Holy Spirit for guidance then we are putting ourselves in danger.)

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Why We Pick the Mates We Do A Step by step Program To Select a Better Partner or Improve the Relationship Youre Already In Psychogenetics System

Why We Pick The Mates We Do is an interactive book that begins with an easy-to-take Selection Test that is guaranteed to give you the most amazing insight into the real reasons you have selected or rejected your past and present partners and predict how your current relationship will turn out before you get married. If you have ever been unable to find the kind of relationship partner you really want, don’t settle for less or give up altogether. Taking the Selection Test will not only reveal to you why you have been magnetically attracted to the wrong partners in the past, but will also give you methods to release yourself from attractions to people who are not good to you or for you. This system is the result of my twenty five years as a couple counselor and has already proven itself with thousands of people as the most important key to making successful life-mate choices. This new method of couple counseling consistently gets dramatic improvements in relationshi! ps from selection to solution. The book helps both singles and married couples to finally uncover the real problem that keeps them from having happy relationships and shows them how to reprogram their imprinted negative couple patterns.

User Ratings and Reviews

3 Stars grt but alot of participation required
This book is certainly very good and very different then any other self help book on the market. However, to gain from it you must be willing to do it’s total workbook component to it which is a lot of the book. I usually like or love books like that if there really good ones however, this one requires you to be able to get assistance from atleast 2 parents and 1 previous or ex husband, wife, or significant other. Not only that but the more group help you get with this very possibly the more this book will likely help you. It also forces you to remember alot of your past so if you don’t and don’t have relatives to remember it for you I don’t recommend this book. The advice in it could be unnusual and right but most of it is given based on your grt workbook participation. There is more then a few inventories/tests in here. Plus, it’s pricy. The other good thing is most of the advice you can rarely if ever see elsewhere so the author obviously did her homework and research.So unlike most self help books this book isn’t at all simple but that’s what makes it so unique and such a benefit to read!

5 Stars The Psychogenetic System of Couple Counseling
Psychogenetics is the science of Genetic Psychology, a study of the DNA inherited personality traits that were handed down from one generation to the other.

In WHY WE PICK THE MATES WE DO, there is an 8 question Selection Test which explores the reader’s inherited Inner Adult and Inner Mate personality and behavorial traits, both explains WHY and identifies HOW these imprinted Inner Couple interactional couple patterns were learned from one’s parents in the first 10 years of life. Neither these adult traits nor these couple relationship patterns were a conscious choice. They are the results of a Psychogenetic trance.

Most relationships are a result of transgenerational family imprints which is what Psychogenetics is all about. Actually your problems have been around a lot longer than you think. Indeed while your conscious mind was searching for a PERFECT MATE, your unconscious imprint was searching for a PERFECT MATCH. Following its established pre-imprinted imperatives, your unconscious mind rejected some partners and selected others for you, regardless of whether that particular partner could help you live happily ever after or not. You may have gotten involved with the wrong type over and over again, gotten into the same unsolvable revolving arguments and had one relationship after another dissolve without ever knowing what happened or why one or both of you changed so much after you got married or became parents.

WHY WE PICK THE MATES WE DO contains numerous proven exercises to help you, the reader, erase your inherited negative imprints and re-imprint positive attraction, selection and interactional patterns so you can reverse the unhappy relationship pattern you are already in with your current partner or stop repeating the same mistakes in mate selection. The Psychogenetic Sysem in the book will show you how to locate and deactivate the hidden landmines left over from your parents’ relationship wars, and stop ‘things that go boom in the night.’ The approach can also help you change your imprint if you are single now so you will automatically be attracted to the right type of partner next time and be able to interact in more successful ways than before.

One of the best uses of this book is as a pre-marital guide especially for people who are always attracted to the wrong person or whose relationships keep turning out badly. It will explain what ‘chemistry’ really is and how to change the type of person you are attracted to so that you can fall in love with someone who is good to you and for you, and not the same old type that is bad to and for you.

Now you can find out BEFORE you get involved with a potential partner what your relationship will be like AFTER you two get involved or married. And you can also predict BEFORE you have children if that step will improve or ruin your couple relationship. You can know ahead of time what type of parents each of you will be. Take the guesswork out of it.

If you are already in a relationship or married, WHY WE PICK THE MATES WE DO can not only help you understand the unconscious imperatives in your imprinted Inner Couple relationship pattern that forced you to pick the partner you did, but locate and deactivate the hidden landmines that have caused the trouble between you, and the imprinted trance-ferences that produced the changes in you and your partner’s personality AFTER you get married and became PARENTS. The insights are amazing and the instructions on how to reprogram your relationship are specific and effective. Finally, here’s a way to SOLVE your relationship problems instead of DISSOLVING one relationship after another.

DON’T JUST GET INVOLVED WITH YOUR PARTNER, GET EVOLVED!

5 Stars A Must Read for all counseling professionals
As a Masters Level trained counselor (Loyola University N.O.), and fifteen years counseling experience: Anne Teachworth’s Psychogenetic Theory rocks the world for any professional counselor seeking to increase their effectiveness when providing services to couples, families, young folks just starting out their search for a mate, or divorcees who fear getting into another relationship etc… Anne’s theory is truly innovative! From a managed care point of view, Psychogenetic Counseling will cut the amount of time spent in couseling. Professionals would do well to contact Anne and make arrangements to enter her Psychogenetic Training program. To those professionals who draw upon Imago or Family Systems – Anne’s Theory is quit a step above!

5 Stars Anne reads excerpts from her book
Take the amazing Selection Test and find out the real subconcious reasons for your attraction, rejection, selection and interactional patterns…..why you pick the mates you do…
and don’t….why you are attracted to the wrong type of partners, why you keep having the same problems in relationships, why opposites attract and what happens when they do, how to change that troublesome chemistry so you can live happitly ever after……….

5 Stars The best book ever on relationships
NOTE: Check the other five star reviews on the first book listed on this site………

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Romancing Your Husband Enjoying a Passionate Life Together

Wives, revolutionize your marriage! This unique book challenges women to cut through traditional misconceptions and explore the total Bible message on marriage. Covers everything from lifting up husbands in prayer to arranging romantic interludes.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Highly encouraging
This is an amazing book. I have really enjoyed all of it and it gives me hope that no matter what, my husband will make it. Debra White Smith talks about many important issues from a woman and wife’s perspective. When she talks about submission it’s from the point of view of the submitter, something that made listening to her easier. At the end of every chapter there is a romantic idea for something to do with or for your husband. The last chapter is full of even more ideas. At the end there are several devotional readings too. I would highly recomend this book to anyone. It would be especially good for someone going through some hard stuff in the marriage.

5 Stars Romance is alive in marriage
I picked up this book in the supermarket. Things in my marriage are not bad or even troubled, just kind of flatlined. As soon as my husband saw this book title on my nightstand things began to change. We have definitely renewed the spark in our marriage as a result of reading this book.

I really enjoyed the author’s writing style and particularly appreciated her ability to ground her major points in Scripture. I think that her presentation of “submission” was one of the best ones that I have read. Like most of the book it was very relevant and practical. I value the caveats that she has in the book for extreme situations in marriage like physical or emotional abuse. Finally, I also liked her romantic experiences that she detailed throughout the book. I think they again were very relevant and made me feel like it was something I could do. In fact, I have tried a few of them with great success. The only negative thing I can say about this book is it’s “cheesy” title. That being said I still bought it!

5 Stars Changed my marriage!!!!!!!!!
What a wonderful book. This book has changed my marriage. I will recommend it to everyone I know. Debra has written truth that I have yet to find anywhere else and I have done a lot of looking. My husband and I feel like newlyweds again. Thanks Debra White Smith!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 Stars PRACTICAL, YET PASSIONATE
Practical and passionate, personal and poignant, simple and yet effective in dealing with our most complex relationship. Although married forty years, these ideas reminded me I still have a lot to learn about romancing my own husband. Provides tips for me, for him, for us. I’d recommend this book for wedding and anniversary gifts and as door prizes at a couple’s retreat. I plan to keep a copy in my guest room.

3 Stars Solid, yet Typical Advice
This books is filled with lots of advice, although most everyone will already know what is being said. It certainly doesnt hurt to get a good reminder now and then though.

I found The Romantic’s Guide, also written from a Christian perspective, to be a bit more unique, creative and inventive. And it has ideas for both men and women. Get them both.

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Telling Each Other the Truth

Readers will gain insight in speaking truth in love, learn to avoid manipulating others, and realize the freedom of saying “no.”

User Ratings and Reviews

4 Stars Revelatory
I borrowed this book from a friend thinking it would help me to better communicate with others when I disagreed with them – how to speak the truth in love, etc. I got so much MORE than I ever expected. Backus exposes lies that we believe in about ourselves and others and makes a way for the Holy Spirit to bring change. I am now so much more aware of how easy it is for me to fall into manipulation (based on fears and lack of trust in God) instead of simply speaking the truth. It is an eye opener and I’m really grateful to have read it. I plan on buying several for our home-group as Christmas gifts because we can ALL benefit from his insights.

5 Stars One of the most useful books you’ll ever read
Dr. William Backus has done a great service in writing this book. Many big problems start as small problems, problems that could be solved with proper communication and unconditional love.

Dr. Backus writes that by far the most frequently violated command of Jesus is “When someone sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.” Human nature wishes to tell anyone and everyone else but the person who needs to be confronted lovingly with the truth.

The author uses his experience as a Minister and a Clinical Psychologist to guide the reader through the process of loving confrontation. Chapter titles include: “How to have a good clean fight.” “How to Handle Critical People” and “How to say no.”

The only qualification you need to benefit from this book is to be a member of the human race who routinely interacts with people. No matter who you are or what your station in life, you will benefit from Dr. Backus’ insights.

“Wear the old coat and buy the new book.”

1 Star The authore is diletant and does not know what he is talking about.
The author is a preacher and it seems that previous reviews were left by people from his congregation. This book teaches absolutely nothing and contains %99.99 of a fluff.The type that preachers like to say –

“yesterday me and my wife were…blah blah blah” and Jesus…. and the Bible says…..

Do not buy this book.

5 Stars Experience Freedom in Communicating With Others!
Backus’ book is a refreshing read to communicate openly and lovingly with others and avoid manipulation.

Among the many important points covered in the book include:

1. When we lose integrity, we become a fraction of the person God created us to be.
2. We fail to receive because we fail to ask.
3. Do’s and dont’s for criticizing others.
4. Characteristics of loving speech.
5. God does not guarantee we will always be around people who will always act properly.
6. Adding your own self-criticism to a person’s critical remarks can stop people in their tracks.
7. Do not pride yourself on not making requests.
8. Attention and compliments are nice, but they do not determine our self-worth.

Read and be encouraged to be less manipulative of others and loving them more!

5 Stars Best, Most Practical Book About Communicating
As a minister of 22 years, I first read this book about a dozen years ago. It helped me communicate better to my wife, friends, and congregation.

Since that time, I have loaned copies to numerous people I have counseled (I have a stack of these), and many have been helped through putting this book in practice.

Backus encourages direct and honest communication. He deals with the lies we tell ourselves that keep us from speaking truthfully and directly. Besides aiding in communication skills, the principles mentioned will also increase personal sincerity and integrity.

Practical, easy to read, illustrated with case studies, this is a must read for all Christians.

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