Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Builders

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Communication

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling

Many people are eager to give “reasons to get” married advice to their friends and family. Here is some “reasons not to get” married advice.

Wrong reason to get married advice #1

How eager are you “just to get married?” Has this eagerness made you feel love for unsuitable persons because you could get them?

Getting married is, and should be, a romantic and thrilling adventure. The excitement of getting ready, the wedding in which you are the center of attention, the thrill of establishing a new and intimate relationship with another person; these rightly have great appeal. When June comes and you see so many of your friends getting married, and there is someone special whom you like and who wants to marry you, it is quite a temptation! No wonder that under such circumstances some people feel that they are in love. If they are getting older they may be bombarded with “reasons to get married advice” from others who give married advice as freely as a handshake.

The danger with this “get married advice” is that such marriages may end up as “roller coaster” marriages. They are highly exciting at first and for a brief time. But the couple ends up at the bottom with a thrill which is past. Those who are rather lonely and hungry for love must be especially careful about this. The love which they think they feel toward a person may really be a love for the excitement of getting married. Even when there are other bases, this love for a thrill may be enough, in combination with other motives, to push us into a marriage which is not for the best. All of us need to watch out for this wrong kind of “get married advice” and who this married advice is coming from!

Wrong reasons to get married advice #2

Does the other person remind you strongly of some dear relative or friend whom you once loved? To what extent has this influenced your choice!

“And when I gazed into her eyes, then I knew,” whispered Phil. Phil was brought up by an Aunt Clara, whom he adored. Ada was about Aunt Clara’s height, and her gestures were strikingly similar. When she spoke, Phil heard the same soft, well-modulated voice which he had come to love as a child. No wonder that he was interested in Ada as soon as they had met. On their first date he noted around her eyes the same cute wrinkles he had loved in his aunt. And in Ada’s eyes was the same shade of greenish-blue.

To Phil it was love at first sight; a mysterious Act of God, who intended that they should marry. Actually, it was Phil’s love for his aunt which Ada’s similarities stirred up in Phil with overwhelming compulsion. Phil’s imagination did the rest. He naturally felt that Ada must have the same simple integrity, the same gentle patience and the same unselfish love as had Aunt Clara.

How could Phil know, or even believe that Ada was selfish, spoiled, and something of a cheat? Yet he did have sense enough to know that one must be especially careful about “love at first sight.” With the help of a wise counselor he began to see the reasons for his feelings. As he became aware of Ada’s physical resemblances to his aunt, and saw their relationship to his love, his feelings changed. Ada was no longer even mildly interesting to him.

Such extreme cases may be rare, but less extreme ones are common. Many young people have been very considerably influenced to choose one person rather than another because some look or gesture reminded them of a loved one. Have you considered the possibility of such influences in your choice? Again, don’t get pushed into something by “reasons to get married advice” from others.

Is anyone putting undue pressure on you to marry or giving you strong “get married advice”?

Do you feel that you must follow this “get married advice’ and hurry to get married, lest you be “left on the shelf?”

It is quite natural that your relatives, and especially your parents, should be interested in whom you marry and give you “get married advice”. It is proper that they should propose possibilities and, within reasonable limits, even to campaign for them. They will do it, anyway whether you like it or not. But do not let them, or anyone, push you into a marriage for which you are not ready with “get married advice”.

Above all, beware of the girl friend who tries to give you the impression that you have “led her on,” and that, therefore, it is now your duty to marry her. The main difference between altar and halter is H.

On the question of taking your opportunities while you have a chance, it is difficult to give wise advice. Certainly it is unwise to marry just because everyone else is doing it, and you want to be in the swim. Some people, too, are willing to accept almost anybody for fear that otherwise they may be left on the shelf.

On the other hand, some are so particular that they pass up, to their undying regret, the chance to marry really good people because they hope for some Prince Charming of their imaginations who will never come. That also is too bad. Do not let it happen to you. Be wise who you take “get married advise:” from.

Next post will have a few more “wrong reasons” to get married advice.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Builders, married advice

How similar are your ideals, values, and goals in life?

How important is financial success?

Is either of you a social climber?

Everybody expected that Frank and Annie would get married, including the couple themselves. In fact, when Frank called that night he intended definitely to “pop the question.” Annie knew this, and it was her eagerness to help Frank out which skidded the whole proposition into the ditch, which was probably a good thing.

Both Frank and Annie were working people. She had finished college with some difficulty. He had quit after two years, and taken a job at a local garage. He was a good mechanic, and happy to remain so. Basically he was a fine man, honest, reliable, and good-natured. His wants were few. He enjoyed an occasional beer and cigar, and liked ball games and fishing.

He wanted a family, preferably with Annie, and enough money to support them according to his simple standards. Beyond this his ambitions did not go. He had no desire to appear intellectual, or to get ahead.

Not so with Annie. She had ambitions for them both. As Frank began his warm-up speech, she became impatient and took over. Frank was really a great man. He must finish college. Then, by moving to a large city, he could attend graduate school at night. He was to become not an ordinary engineer, but a great engineer.

Then they would have lots of money and live in a big house on a hill and move in the best social circles. Yes, the right kind of wife could make something of him.

After this glowing picture Frank looked puzzled. Then he gulped, walked over to the door and said, “Good night Annie. See ya later.” Despite her entreaties he walked out, not to return.

Academically, Frank was not bright. Mathematics were to him an unsolved mystery. But he did have a kind of basic insight which saved him from what might have been a sad mistake. As he himself put it, “All of a sudden I saw what I was getting into. I didn’t want it. What could be worse than spending years of your life struggling and fighting for what you don’t want?”

Later he turned his attentions to another girl who was less ambitious and married her. He was fortunate because he was wiser than most regarding the relationship of making money to success.

In our culture, money has two important purposes;  to provide us with the material things of life and to give us status and power. The first we understand quite well. Money is a means of getting what we need and want, such as food, clothing, housing, and medical attention.

It is also something more. It is a way in which some people can gain a sense of being superior to other people; by wearing clothes, living in costly homes, and operating cars which the ordinary man cannot afford. In short, it is a measure of success.

Most of the trouble which money causes in marriage arises not out of a lack of necessities, but out of the sense of failure. If you believe that money is the measure of success, you are headed for trouble. If you fail to get ahead as you feel that you should, each of you may blame the other.

The wife will complain because you have not worked hard enough, or are too stupid. If only she had married Joe Spultz when she had the chance—now there is a man who has really gone places. The husband may reply that if only he had had the right kind of wife, the kind who would help instead of complain all the time, he would have made the grade.

And yet success does not solve the problem, either. Always there is someone who has been more successful, so that you will still feel inferior. And in any case, money has only a limited capacity to satisfy. It is like furniture in a house. A certain amount is highly desirable. But beyond a certain point it adds little, and begins to clutter up the place so that it is no longer worth its cost.

Couples who have been married for many years often discover that the best period of their marriage was when they were poor and struggling. It is working together for worthy objectives which makes marriage successful, not “getting ahead.” The important consideration is to be successful as a person, in meeting your own personality needs and those of the rest of the family.

Success in collecting figures on a bank balance is at best, a convenience.

If neither of you puts too much value upon money or status, you will probably be safe at this point. But if money and social position are central values for the other person, don’t marry her (or him). You will be headed for trouble. If money and social position mean too much to you, don’t marry anybody until you have grown up and straightened out.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, marriage compatibility, relationships, shared values

As mentioned in the previous post, the failure of romantic love to continue doesn’t mean that there is something the matter with a particular marriage, or marriage in general. It means that selecting life partners on the basis of this supposed love feeling alone just isn’t enough. If a marriage is to succeed, we must exchange these fancies for facts.

In giving advice for marriage let us now consider what some of these facts are.

Advice for Marriage Fact One: Love is not any more strange and mysterious than many other human experiences. Actually there does exist a real and growing body of scientific knowledge about it. We know a great deal about the nature of love, why it hits the way it does, and why it can or cannot stand up under the long pull of marriage.

Anything is mysterious; the rising and setting of the sun, the circulation of the blood, or changes in the weather – all are strange and mysterious to those who lack scientific knowledge about them. Many who drive cars have only the slightest idea of what goes on under the hood, or what to do if the car refuses to start. Why people suddenly become ill, or are suddenly hit by a pain at the back of the neck, may be as complete mysteries as the sudden coming of love.

But as our knowledge grows, all such experiences become increasingly understandable. In love as in health, you can tell little by the way you feel. The man in terrible pain may have only simple indigestion which will cure itself, while the man who feels nothing wrong may suddenly drop dead of heart failure. Those who feel most sure of their love are often the poorest marriage risks. Having a healthy marriage, like having a healthy body, calls for the best scientific knowledge we can get.

Advice for Marriage Fact Two: There is not just one, but there are many forms of love. The man who is not well may use just one word to describe how he feels. He may say that he feels sick. The medically trained man knows that although many forms of illness may feel alike, actually they represent many different kinds of diseases which are quite different from each other.

So it is with love. There are many forms of it. Those in love may feel quite similar to those whose love is of a very different type. Actually, however, one form of love may be quite unlike another.

Some forms of love are essential to successful marriage, or even to successful living. Other kinds of love are forms of selfishness. For example, we say that we love oranges. The orange would not think so. We destroy it for our pleasure, and then throw what is left in the garbage. Sometimes we love people in the same way – even our own children. We get what we want out of them, often regardless of their wishes or best interests.

Sometimes young people love and want to marry, mainly because they want to get something out of the other, not because they desire his good. Yet this selfish kind of love may look and feel just like any other kind. Not all forms of love are good and sound. Some forms should be warning signals, rather than bases for marriage. The important question is not, “Do I love him enough to marry him?” It is rather, do we feel the kind of love toward each other upon which a marriage can successfully be built?

Advice for Marriage Fact Three: The richest, deepest, and most permanent forms of love are those which we build over the years. So you are in love. You feel a warm, romantic glow toward each other which you do not feel toward anyone else. Grand. The love which you feel toward each other may be honest and true. If you marry, it will give you a good start.

But the love which will make your marriage most worth-while, which will not only endure but grow through the years, is not this romantic kind. It is the richer, deeper kind which comes from Having with another who is in a true sense a life partner; one with whom you have in common the basic purpose of building a family together; someone who is going your way. Only such a love can really meet your needs. Only such a love can weld your marriage together so that it can easily withstand the storms and stresses which pull against it.

The romantic form of love may be able to give you some thrilling experiences for a few weeks, or even a few years. Only this richer form of love can make the latter part of your life richer, and in a sense, more romantic than were the first years. And this love is not anything you can fall into. It must be built.

Read some of our other posts for more advice for marriage.

Technorati Tags: advice for marriage, Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Communication

When is comes to getting advice on relationships, how well do you understand the fictions and facts about love?

Most people take it for granted that love is the one thing which really counts in choosing a life partner. “Do I love him?” or, “Do I love her enough?” Many young people believe that the answer to these questions should settle the matter of marriage. Bill might make a far better husband, but if Jill loves Jack more than she loves Bill, she will marry Jack.

In many other cultures, and at other times and places, the idea of what is most important in marriage has been quite different. Before we assume that our ideas are correct, or even better, we should ask ourselves how we have come by them.

So far as we as individuals are concerned, the answer is not difficult.  When giving advice on relationships we believe that love is the crucial matter in marriage because this idea has been drilled into us from childhood.  The media is partly responsible; most plots are so organized in movies and television. For example, parents who object to the love choices of their children are made to appear selfish and wrong.

Such considerations as differences in family or social position are made to seem unimportant. When young people defy their parents or their traditions and marry for love, we applaud. The picture has been so produced as to make us feel that we should. It might have been so developed as to give the opposite impression.

The novels and stories which most of us read present the same general point of view. The girl is sometimes represented as engaged to some nice, respectable person whom she does not love.  So that we will not like him, he is portrayed as intolerably stuffy. Therefore when she runs off and marries the man she really loves, often at the very last minute, we feel that she has done the right thing. The general idea often is that a husband should be someone glamorous and exciting.

Advertisements help to hammer the same idea home. In the soap operas, love and happiness are presented as the only things in marriage which are worth while.  Many other ads play up the same idea. Love and glamour – these are the important considerations, so we are told.

Of course the movies, stories, and ads present this point of view because it is in line with what we already believe, and want to keep on believing.  Back of it all is the very powerful force of public opinion. The fiction is accepted because that is the way marriage choices seem to work out in real life.

For example, there was Cousin Gussie. All the family thought that her marriage was a mistake. But when she explained that he was the man she loved, that seemed to settle the question for everyone. Our friends have made what have seemed to others very peculiar choices. But we all seemed to feel that if they were really in love, there was nothing else for them to do.

These love matches did not always work out very well. Even in the stories, the glamorous Romeo, whom the girl left all to marry, was sometimes presented as little more than an attractive and exciting tramp. After the marriage he may desert her and their children and leave them without financial or emotional support for months or even years at a time. Yet, according to the fiction, despite all these hardships, the girl had done the only thing she could do; marry the man she loved.

These strange and often tragic choices are often explained on the basis that love just doesn’t make sense anyway.  Love is supposed to be some strange mysterious Something which nobody can understand. The only way you can tell it is by the way you feel when your heart goes bumpity-bump, and all that. Furthermore, there doesn’t seem to be anything you can do about it. It just IS, or IS NOT. You cannot make yourself love another, no matter how eager he may be to marry you, or how good a husband he would make.

On the other hand, when it does hit you, you are a goner. Cupid just sneaks up on people, twangs his bow, and before anybody knows it, they are hooked, regardless of how suitable the marriage may or may not be. Such is the fiction upon the basis of which so many young people select their marriage partners. Now let us look at some of the facts.

One of the most inescapable facts is the extent of marriage failure. Hundreds of thousands crowd our divorce courts, often bitter and disillusioned.  Yet, these same people were quite as much in love with each other as most young people are at the time of marriage. Obviously something is terribly wrong with this idea that marriages should be based upon feelings of love which people have toward each other.

Even more conclusive evidence is to be found in the speed with which these romantic ideas die out for most people after marriage. Think of the people whom you know who have been married for ten years or more. How many of them still have this romantic glow which is supposed to be the very purpose of marriage?

More on these facts and advice on relationships in the next post.

Technorati Tags: advice on relationships, Christian Marriage Counseling, Relationship Stages

Are you emotionally able to accept competent marital advice when you need it?  In the matter of physical health we recognize the need for specialized help. We give our children considerable information about their bodies and how to care for them. By the time they reach adulthood they have a good basic understanding of the nature of disease, and the principles of hygiene and sanitation.  Why is it different when is comes to marital advice?

Knowledge of new discoveries, such as insulin and anti-biotics is widely disseminated. Yet despite this considerable knowledge, most people will, at times, have to call in outside help. Most people do this without shame or embarrassment. Even physicians call in specialists for their more difficult and baffling cases.

Most marriages, like most bodies, occasionally become ill and break down at some point. Such illnesses are not always fatal. The sick marriage may recover by itself, just as people often recovered from their sicknesses before they had doctors. Yet the outside expert and good marital advice is important. In many instances the patient who has competent help will recover, when without it he would die.

In other instances the outside specialist can make the recovery come much quicker, and be more complete. In times past, people used to drag around with physical ailments from which they could be easily cured today. Likewise many marriages, while not ill to the point of divorce, drag along without that buoyant happiness and glow which competent marital advice could give. One reason for the importance of the outside expert is his ability to detect difficulties early, so that they can be corrected before they become serious.

Divorce has many causes, and effective treatment of the tragedy will require extensive, difficult, and widespread measures. But it could quickly be reduced, if couples were willing to seek competent marital advice before their marriages were on their proverbial deathbeds.

Fred was both surprised and hurt when Louise, whom he wanted to marry, disagreed with him about counseling help. He boasted that after they were married, they would handle all difficulties by themselves. He was not going to have any third parties meddling in his affairs. Louise agreed that untrained but emotionally involved “in-laws,” and well-meaning friends should not be resorted to, any more than we would call upon them to diagnose or treat an illness. But a refusal to consult an impartial expert was another matter.

Suppose they had a child who became seriously ill; would they insist on taking care of it themselves?  Fred prided himself on his high standards of responsibility and independence. But to be independent you need not insist upon repairing your own watch.

Responsibility involves the willingness to use such resources as may be necessary and available to meet the demands of a situation. Louise rightly interpreted Fred’s attitude as an evidence of immaturity; an immaturity which made him a questionable marriage risk. Fortunately through a lecture series and some counseling appointments, Fred came to recognize the irresponsibility of his attitude, and grew up at this point.

One of the most encouraging signs in the marriage situation is the growing willingness of intelligent, well-informed people to seek marital advice in less serious difficulties. Securing expert help in consultation is no more a confession of failure or an admission that the marriage is on the skids than a physical check-up is evidence that the individual is about to die. The willingness to secure competent marital advice is a vital part of that determination to succeed which can be the cornerstone of a successful marriage. As such, it is one of the character traits essential to success.

Note: Always seek competent, trained professionals who are experienced and deserving of your trust for marital advice.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, marital advice, Marriage Builders

Relationship Stages for Couples

5 Stages of Committed Relationships
By Sarah Schultz

Have you ever wondered:  Why is our relationship so hard?  Things were so perfect when we first met – what happened?  Most likely, the answer is that you’ve left the first stage of your relationship, and have moved into another.  But could it really be that easy?

Yes!  Most people understand that relationships grow and change over time… but what many people don’t know is that they tend to evolve in the same way.  There are specific, defined stages of long-term relationships, which offer new feelings, new challenges to overcome, and new opportunities for growth.  And if you want your relationship to evolve into one of mutual respect, love and intimacy, it’s likely that you’ll have to experience all of the following relationship stages at some point or another.  Take a look at the description of each phase – do any of this sound familiar?

Before we get started, you should know that most people experience these stages in this order, and will need to resolve the challenges in each stage before they can move successfully on to the next.  Of course there are always exceptions to this rule.  But for the most part, you can’t get out of experiencing all of these stages if you want a healthy and fulfilling relationship.  Every couple will move through these stages at different speeds, and most people will experience each stage more than once – it is common to fluctuate from one stage to another.

Okay, now that I’ve given you the basic info, let’s dig a little deeper….

5 Relationship Stages

Relationship Stage 1 – The Romance Stage

This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years.  This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing.  You can’t get enough of each other.  Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other… mainly because you’re both still on your best behavior.  The focus in this stage is on commonalities – you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person!  You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible.  Conflict is seen as “bad” in this stage, and is avoided at all costs.  You can’t imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible.  This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love.  You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow.  There are biological effects as well.  When you’re in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that “head over heels in love” feeling!).  This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons.  Bottom line – you are happier than you’ve ever been, and can’t imagine ever feeling any differently.

Relationship Stage 2 – The Disillusionment Stage

This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase.  This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!).  You get to know each other more and more, and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings.  You see your partner in relaxed situations, and you become more relaxed as well.  Since your body cannot possibly continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it was in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to decline.  Your partner’s little habits aren’t quite as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance Stage that you’re willing to overlook them.  This stage can start to trickle into your relationship slowly, as you begin to see your partner for who s/he really is.  Or sometimes it happens all of a sudden, when there has been some sort of dishonesty or deceit.  This phase can be confusing and discouraging, since you’ve just experienced so much openness and connection in the Romance Stage.  However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.

Relationship Stage 3 – The Power Struggle Stage

This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or Distress Stage.  As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify, they become harder and harder to deal with.  You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage.  At this point, you both still believe that conflict is a “bad” thing, but you are increasingly aware of your many differences.  You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result even small annoyances become big issues.  This is the stage where you define unacceptable behavior, and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship.  More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can’t be trusted.  Deep resentments begin to build if you’re unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way.  Many couples get stuck in this stage, because this way of interacting becomes normal in their relationship.  This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively – to communicate and work together as a team, even though it’s tempting to believe that your partner’s sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult.  Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce.  However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they’ll move on to….

Relationship Stage 4 – The Stability Stage

This is a restful and peaceful time, compared to the last stage.  This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage.  Some couples never make it to this stage, but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner.  You now have history together, and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship.  As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn’t perfect, but your personal differences aren’t quite as threatening as they used to be.  You’re able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you become more confident in the relationship.  Some people feel a sense of loss in this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they truly are, since this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early on in the relationship.  But for the most part, the deepening sense of friendship and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement.  This is also when you begin to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were given up in the Romance Phase.  There is some danger that you may begin to drift apart from or become bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase.  Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.

Relationship Stage 5 – The Commitment Stage

This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase.  It is estimated that fewer than 5% of couples actually make it to this stage, according to The Relationship Institute.  This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore… yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of those things).  You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you’ve chosen them, which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared.  If you’ve made it to this stage, you and your partner are a team.  You genuinely love your partner, and you look out for their best interests just as much as you look out for your own.  Your partner is your best friend.  There are few surprises about your partner’s habits or character in this phase.  You’ve collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction.  Your vision for your relationship is in congruence with who you are and what you both truly want.  You have discussed your future together – you have similar life goals, and you feel encouraged to define your relationship further.  Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment to each other in this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship.  This is the stage in which your relationship becomes a true partnership.

About the author:  Sarah M. Schultz, MA, CPC is a certified Personal Development Coach in Park City, UT.  Sarah coaches quarter lifers (adults in their 20s and 30s) who want to create meaning and passion in their lives by building lasting committed relationships, creating a fulfilling work/life balance, and
managing the stress of major life transitions.  Receive your free copy of her Special Report: “Five Steps to Creating a Life You Love!” on her website at: http://www.newheightslifecoaching.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sarah_Schultz http://EzineArticles.com/?5-Stages-of-Committed-Relationships&id=528343

Check out our other posts for more informaiton on relationship stages.

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, relationship changes