Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Builders

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Communication

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling

Each person is mainly a product of his family. The family has created him not only physically, but his character and his personality as well. Although wholesome development requires that he become separate and independent from his parents, stand on his own feet and assume control of his own life, he is still largely what his family has made him. The family is not only the factory in which each of us was built. In some respects it is the material out of which we were constructed.

Therefore one of the best ways to know a person is to know his family. Someone has said, “The best way to pick a wife is to find a happy family and marry any one of the daughters.” So extreme a statement requires qualifications. But even taken literally it would result in a higher degree of success than the methods of choice now usually employed. Here are some further questions you should both ask about each other.

Were your own parents happily married?

Your own home background happy?

In most of the studies which have been made so far, a happy home background stands out as one of the most important essentials for marital success. As Professor Nimkoff says,1 “Happiness begets happiness. It appears that those who are brought up in a happy home come to expect happiness and act in ways which produce it; they have the habits that make for happiness.”

The Burgess and Cottrell study found that when both parties to a marriage come from very happy homes, their chances of making a good adjustment are more than twice as good as when both have come from average or unhappy families. These statistics carry both a warning and a hope. Over ten percent of those from happy homes made poor adjustments, and nearly three-tenths of those from homes not particularly happy made good adjustments. A happy home background does not guarantee success nor does an unhappy home background foredoom you to failure.

If either or both of you come from unhappy home backgrounds, it means, not that you should refrain from marriage, but that you should exercise greater care, and work harder to make your marriage a success.

An important part of the question concerns the happiness of your own childhood. A commonly accepted myth makes childhood the happy period of life. Careful research and clinical experience has shown that the opposite is often true. Many childhoods have been periods of violently resented oppressions and terrifying fears. We know that the basis for personality is laid during the early years. Therefore the happiness of your childhood is one important indication of your chances for success in marriage. Here, again, you are not guaranteed or necessarily doomed. But it is a matter to which you should give most careful consideration.

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Marriage Counseling Tips
By Ken Marlborough

A number of marriage counseling tips are available for strengthening marriage relationships. Experienced marriage counselors suggest these as a means of improving your relation with spouse. Marriage counseling tips are pieces of practical wisdom that come in handy to save your marriage.

Lack of communication is the main problem behind most family conflicts. Sometimes your spouse reacts violently and shouts at you. A useful tip in this situation is this – don’t get over-emotional or raise your sound when talking to your spouse. Lowering your voice is the best way to decrease anger. It is a good idea to write a letter or e-mail to your spouse mentioning your questions, requests, and feelings. People who refuse to talk sometimes reply to a letter. You can send your spouse a favorite chocolate or other preferred item along with the letter. Another tip is to make a list of things that should be solved immediately. Check whether your spouse has the same opinion or not. Another constructive marriage counseling tip to save your marriage is – spend more time with your spouse and remember all the fun and enjoyment you had together.

Another useful tip is to look for something to arouse the interest of your spouse. You offer to take the children to a picnic so that your spouse can enjoy some private time to relax or to entertain friends. Yet another tip is to buy a beautiful greeting card and write a note asking if you can find a private time to talk to the spouse. People often have an easier time talking in a restaurant over dinner, because they won’t yell and fight, but rather, will simply talk.

Other useful marriage tips are to show respect for each other at all times, discuss important issues together, and share responsibilities. Marriage counseling tips available abundantly on Web sites. Marriage Counseling provides detailed information on Marriage Counseling, Christian Marriage Counseling, Family Marriage Counseling, Free Marriage Counseling and more. Marriage Counseling is affiliated with Marriage Problems.

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What will make the choice of a social crowd important or unimportant?

The seriousness of this problem will depend largely upon such factors as the following:

1. The strength of the attachment which each has to his group. If Mary’s crowd is just a group which she has picked up recently in order to have some fun for a time, she may be able to drop them with little concern. Or, if Jim is already beginning to be “fed up” with his group, he may welcome the excuse to let go. But what if Mary has gone with her crowd since early childhood, and their families have constantly moved in the same circles? Or what if Jim finds his crowd his only relief from what is to him the “moronic drivel” of most everyone else? If the attachments of each are too strong and no satisfactory adjustment seems likely, there is a real question as to whether they should marry each other. In any case, the problems and possibilities should be
carefully reviewed in advance.

2. The extent to which social class is involved. If both groups are upper-middle class, for example, that will be one less thing to worry about. But what if Mary’s crowd is upper class with definite status, while Jim’s is a somewhat Bohemian crowd without definite status attachments, who do not “rate?”

3. Behavior standards demanded. What if Jim’s group are strong on Martinis and “broad-minded” regarding personal conduct, while Mary’s group emphasizes physical fitness, temperance, and rather strict standards? I£ they go with either or both crowds, even part of the time, each will be subjected to group pressure to change standards, a situation which could add much to the difficulties of the marriage. The same issue often arises in the conflicts in standards of other groups.

A church group may have quite as much fun, but very different standards and ways of getting it from a “fast” group of another type. If each member of the couple comes from a group whose standards conflict with those of the other group, the problem of social adjustment may prove to be really difficult. It is important that the couple should know the kinds of difficulties which they are likely to run up against, and to have at least temporary policies which they have agreed upon in advance, until more permanent ones can be worked out.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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What crowd will you go with after your marriage?

Are you from the same or different social crowds? If both of you are from the same social crowd, you should have little difficulty at this point after your marriage. You may just keep going around with the same crowd, or the married set which has come mainly out of the old crowd.

If you move to another city where neither of you has friends, your problem can be relatively simple. Just establish yourselves as a couple with some crowd you both like. Problems arise when each has been running around with a different crowd to which they have become attached, and after marriage they remain in the same town.

For example, consider Jim and Mary. Mary’s crowd is decidedly the “sporty” type. They swim, sail, play considerable tennis and golf. Their conversations center about horse-racing, ball games, and tournaments. Jim’s group is more the “artistic-intellectual” type. They are interested in novels, plays, paintings, and discuss international and social problems with considerable zeal.

We may well ask why Jim and Mary became interested in each other in the first place. Perhaps each wanted somewhat more variety than he was getting. In any case, here they are, about to marry. They will continue to live in the same town. With which crowd shall they establish their common social life?

Christian Marriage Counseling

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It might be better if all who married were required to be without living relatives. But since this does not seem feasible, the continued interest of the families is a fact which must be taken into consideration. Remember that neither you nor your parents can act toward each other as if they had not brought you up. And if Uncle Bill and Aunt Sue had fingers in the pie of your development, even emotionally, neither can they. If you can live far enough away from all relatives, you may be safer. But in these days of rapid communication, even this may not be enough. The attitude of your families toward social class is one factor which you must, by all means, take into consideration.

Finally, there is yourself. You may think, in the glow of your fantasy, that love will cover all differences. You will better rely upon intelligent understanding. Because of the particular social class in which you have been brought up, each of you will come to marriage with definite ideas of what constitutes proper conduct and good taste. You are in for some shocks, in any case. But if you come from the same social class, each of you is more likely to behave as the other thinks proper. If you come from different classes, you are each likely to have habits which will add to the difficulties of the marriage adjustment.

In this matter of marrying one from a different social class, we are not saying “don’t.” We do say that it is usually better and possible to marry someone from your own social class and thus save yourselves trouble. If you do select someone from another social class you should both know what you are up against. The best way to know is for both of you to work out the adjustments which will be necessary. These adjustments should be made, certainly before you marry, and if possible, before you become engaged. Economic differences are a special phase of this whole matter of class differences which we shall discuss later.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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If an upper-class boy marries a girl from a lower class, she may be accepted by his group. But if so, she must be willing to learn and to adopt the speech and many of the mannerisms and etiquette of his class. For a bright middle-class girl, this may not be difficult. She may be able to pick it up merely by being alert. But for a lower-class girl it can be difficult. Remember Shaw’s Pygmalion, and the terrific struggle of the poor girl from the slums who was being taught to talk and act like a duchess? How can one learn in a short time, what one born in the class took many years to acquire?

The task of overcoming the contrary speech and habits of a lifetime can put a strain upon the whole relationship which may prove more than it can endure. Christopher Morley portrays this vividly in his Kitty Foyle, the story of a working-class girl who finds the adjustments which she would be required to make in order to be accepted by Wyn Strafford’s upper-class family intolerable.

Social acceptability may be important for vocational success. If a spouse is not to be handicapped in landing either jobs or business deals, they both must usually be able to associate with those in his social class as equals. Under some circumstances this may mean being acceptable to the “right” clubs and social groups. Yes, this matter of class is important.
And don’t forget the families.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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Are you from the same social class? What difference does it make?

Yes, we do have social classes here in America. They may not be as clearly defined as they are in England, or in India, but they are here, and they make a real difference in the selection of a life partner. Professor W. Lloyd Warner has classified Americans into three main classes; upper, middle, and lower. These groups show very real differences in such matters as morals, manners, customs, ideas, ideals, speech, political affiliation, and church membership. Class is determined largely by who will accept whom. These distinctions are based mainly upon family. Money makes some difference, but is not most important. The wealthiest are usually not at the top, and the white-collar worker will often rate higher than a better paid manual worker.

Other factors which determine status are vocation, part of the town lived in, respectability, and education. Except for the upper-uppers, these classes are not fixed by birth. Many people are able to pull themselves up a notch, especially from the lower into the middle classes. Occasionally a person steps down a place or two to where the strain is not so great.
Social class indicates how people "rate" in their community. It has little to do with merit or worth. To call a social class higher or lower is not to say that it is better or worse. The "lower" classes are, on the whole, quite as moral and intelligent as those in the "higher" classes. Often they are more personable. Men especially, and sometimes women, may prefer mates from a class "lower" than their own. Yet differences in social class can make a real difference to the success or the failure of a marriage.

Christian Marriage Counseling

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