Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Builders

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling, Marriage Communication

Technorati Tags: Christian Marriage Counseling

In all areas of life, people often choose upon the basis of what is relatively unimportant.

In selecting a used car, for example, they may choose one which has serious defects just because they like the looks of the dash, or the color of the upholstery, or the general lines. One couple even bought a house in the country because of such minor point attractions.

In the moonlight, when they saw it first, it seemed the most beautifully picturesque place they could imagine. Inside, a huge fireplace took up one end of a large living room, through the walls of which the moon made charming patterns on the floor. Even the sag in the roof gave an appearance of stalwart patience which they felt belonged to the house. They were as eager to buy it as the agent was to sell. Then they moved in.

They had not expected perfection, but. . . . The lovely fireplace smoked so much as to be almost unusable, yet was the only means of heating the place. Through the holes which had admitted the moonlight also came the rain and cold and snow. By December they could no longer stand it and moved out, which was fortunate. In January the patience of the sagging roof was no longer stalwart, and the whole thing caved in.

“You’re lovely to look at, delightful to know, and heaven to kiss.” So ran a popular song. A combination like this is certainly desirable. As with a car or a house, nice lines and a good paint job are all to the good. So also is that lock of curly hair, the charming smile, the way her cute little nose wrinkles when she laughs, and those alluring eyes. But if you allow such minor points to determine your choice, you may, like the couple who bought the charming house, come to grief.
 
The belief that marriage is a prolonged party may cause us to choose the one with whom we can have the most fun. “I have such a good time with Jim on a date.” “Fred is so fun and so exciting.” “Doris is so sparkling and vivacious on a picnic.” “Marian is such a charming hostess.” And so the list goes.

All such qualities are desirable and can add much to a marriage. But they are not enough. If we are employing a girl as a typist, it is nice if she can select drapes and arrange flowers tastefully. But the important consideration is her typing skill. So it is with a marriage partner. Many people who are delightful dates at a dance, or fine companions for a summer vacation are not at all suitable for the long pull of marriage.

In your choice, then, make sure that you are not influenced too much by minor point attractions. How will she be to live with? How well will he wear, year after year? Will you have to carry her when the going gets tough, or will she come through when you are under your greatest pressures? Such are the important considerations in choosing a mate.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: choosing a spouse

A valid type of love takes time to develop. The Hollywood lover may murmur softly to the girl whom he has just met, “I’ve known you all my life.” But he is following a script, not stating a fact.

Really coming to know a person takes time, and lots of it. Studies indicate that those couples who have been engaged for two years or longer are most successful in their marriages. And presumably they knew each other for some time before they became engaged.

But time is not the only consideration. Important also is the kind of association which you have had together. George and Cathy have known each other for eight years. But during all this time they have been together hardly twenty times, and all these contacts were at formal parties and dances, where people wear their best behavior as well as their best clothes. Actually George and Mabel do not know each other nearly well enough to become engaged.

By far the best situation is that in which the young people have grown up together from childhood. But this is not for most of us. The best which most young people can do is a few years of group association.

They go around for some time with the same “crowd.” Or it may be that they belong to the same church, the same political clubs, or they have gone to school together. Here the important consideration is not merely the time span through which such associations have taken place, but the number and the kind of the associations.

What kinds of associations have you had with each other? One of the best ways to get to know anyone is to work with him. By this we do not mean merely to work in the same factory or office.

We mean to work with him at the same job. Tom thought that he knew Violet and Rose fairly well. He had dated them individually several times, and had gone to many parties and activities with them. But not until he worked with them on the school paper did he really get to know them.

In a job like this you cannot stay on your good behavior for long. In order to turn work out, you must relax and be yourself. One Friday when the printer failed to get his copy out for the paper due Monday, Tom saw two personalities whom he had never known before.

The Rose wilted, cried, and went home with a headache. The Violet, however, refused to shrink. She said some things over the phone that would not have been printable. Then she collected Tom and two other boys, and they visited the printer.

They stayed there together until the copy was finished and the presses ready to roll the first thing Monday morning. The old adage should be changed to “You never really know a person until you have worked with him/her under pressure.” You who are becoming mutually interested; how well do you really know each other?

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: choosing a spouse

A group of young men coming out of a movie house agreed that the actress whom they had just seen starred was one of the most luscious creatures in the world. In discussing some of the implications of her attractions one of them suddenly remarked, “Do you realize that five different men have actually been married to her, and none of them wanted to keep her?”

If sex appeal were the most important consideration in marriage, the Hollywood marriages would be outstandingly successful. There is probably more sex appeal there than in any marriages anywhere in the world. Yet they are notoriously unstable. Obviously, something more than sex must be added.

Recent studies in psychology have given us a partial answer to this puzzle. We have now learned that sex can be continuously satisfying only when and as it involves the response of total personalities to each other. Men soon tire of women, however beautiful they may be, unless the relationship is basically personal. Here are some of the places where sex attraction can lead astray.

Young men of high ideals may become attracted sexually to certain girls. Such desires may become so strong that they will propose marriage to girls who are quite unsuitable for them, because only so can they satisfy their sex desires without violating their consciences.

Other men, not so high in ideals, become obsessed with a desire for sex relationships with attractive girls whom they cannot “make” outside of marriage. Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind married Scarlett O’Hara because he could not get her without marriage. Both these situations present the real danger that, once the desire has been satisfied either within or outside of marriage, the man loses interest.

If you are a girl whom men find unusually attractive, you have a special problem at this point. It will be difficult for both you and them to know whether what they feel toward you is substantial enough to sustain a sound marriage or, because it is primarily physical, will prove to be only a passing fancy. Your best safeguard is the character and integrity of the man.

You can tell this in part by what he cares about. If he cares about ideals, if he is concerned with making the world a better place, he may be a good risk. On the other hand, if he claims to be interested only in you, do not be flattered; be warned.

This world of ours is an extremely interesting place. It has also become so dangerous that we had better be interested in making it reasonably safe. The man who claims to be interested only in a girl is either a liar, or so deficient in development that he ought not to marry anybody.

Technorati Tags: choosing a spouse, who to marry

What sports and amusements do you enjoy together? We start with this, not because fun is too important, but because it is what so often first brings the young couple together. A boy and a girl find that they like to swim, play tennis, and go to shows together.

This is a fine start, and some of these activities can be enjoyed together for many years. But physical activities can do no more than to give the initial push. As people grow older their physical energies diminish. They become interested in other things. And in any case, marriages are not mainly recreation. Therefore it is essential that the couple consider other interests which will hold up better under the long pull.

What intellectual or cultural interests do you have, such as music, drama, literature, painting, or history? This list may seem to be of possible interest only to highbrow intellectuals. Yet many people of little formal schooling have developed considerable interest in, and taste for good music and art.

Other people have less pretentious hobbies, such as woodworking, dog breeding or clay modeling. Every family should have at least one amateur photographer. Some of these interests may be related to a vocation. Frank had a very real interest in his garage work.

The girl whom he finally married developed a very profitable, but no less real interest in graphic design.

It is not necessary that both husband and wife have the same interests. In some ways, their relationships will be more fruitful if one specializes in one thing and the other in another. Then by sharing, they can both have a broader development.

It is important that they do have interests. The person who has interests is more interesting as a person. The wife who spends considerable time in her garden and really tries to do a good job, may prove far more attractive to her husband than if she spent the time in a beauty salon.

Furthermore, interests which seem quite divergent can often be shared in most valuable ways.

Brittany was a research physician and Allen a sculptor and painter. When she wrote a book on a technical medical subject, he illustrated it. One need not be a specialist in the field of the other. A couple needs only interests to share, and interest enough in what the other is doing to make possible the sharing.

A young couple will rarely know in advance just what and how their interests may later develop. They should be able to tell, however, the extent to which either or both is alive to any part of life which is beyond themselves.

But if you discover that one or both of you has no significant interests, what then? Your answer will depend upon what you want from each other. Some men, often because they feel inferior, want a wife who will be little more than an appendage to the household. They will want her to cook, clean, receive guests, and perhaps bear a child or two, but otherwise be as colorless as possible.

Likewise, some wives will want husbands who will provide reasonably well financially, but who otherwise will trouble them as little as possible. We shall not here pass judgment upon such persons. We shall say only that if this is what either or both of you want, you should both know it and face fully what it means.

But if you want your marriage to be a rich companionship, real interests are essential. Marry a person without hair, teeth, fingernails, or a nose, but not one without interests. And be assured on this point before you become engaged.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Technorati Tags: common interests in marriage

Do you feel that you must hurry, lest you be “left on the shelf?”

It is quite natural that your relatives, and especially your parents, should be interested in whom you marry. It is proper that they should propose possibilities and, within reasonable limits, even to campaign for them. They will do it, anyway. But do not let them, or anyone, push you into a marriage for which you are not ready. Above all, beware of the girl friend who tries to give you the impression that you have “led her on,” and that, therefore, it is now your duty to marry her. The main difference between altar and halter is H.

On the question of taking your opportunities while you have a chance, it is difficult to give wise advice. Certainly it is unwise to marry just because everyone else is doing it, and you want to be in the swim. Some people, too, are willing to accept almost anybody for fear that otherwise they may be left on the shelf. On the other hand, some are so particular that they pass up, to their undying regret, the chance to marry really good people because they hope for some Prince Charming of their imaginations who will never come. That, also is too bad. Do not let it happen to you.

Technorati Tags: marriage preperation

Were you ever engaged before? How many times, and how recently? Have you suffered any bitterness or humiliation?

Life often brings difficult and sometimes humiliating experiences. We are rejected by our crowd. We break with our own family. We lose our job. Other events come which make us discouraged, embittered, or frightened.

In such times it is quite natural for us to want the love and security which a good marriage can bring. The emphasis here should be on a good marriage. The danger is that we feel that almost any marriage will bring us the support we wish, and act hastily and unwisely.

Remember, marriage is not a hospital, or even a convalescent home. It brings not only additional joys, but also additional burdens. If you have been badly hurt, wait until you have recovered before taking on its responsibilities.

Be especially careful if you have recently been disappointed in a previous relationship. It is a difficult experience to be jilted, especially after we have been “all set.”

We may want desperately to “show our friends,” and to reassure ourselves. If your engagement has but recently been broken, wait until the hurt has had time to heal fully before you commit yourself again. Or, if you are suddenly urged to rush into marriage by someone who has but recently been jilted, review the situation with especial care.

Make sure that he or she wants you, rather than just anybody to marry. Beware of the person who has been engaged several times. There is probably something which needs to be straightened out before marriage should be attempted. You may want to get expert counseling in such a case.

Technorati Tags: break up, broken engagement, on the rebound

Defusing the High Conflict Divorce A Treatment Guide for Working with Angry Couples The Practical Therapist

It has been estimated that nearly twenty percent of the one million divorces each year in the US involve high-conflict relationships. Angry, emotional disputes related to custody, parenting time, child support payments, visitation and more may go on for years. Who suffers? The children, mostly. Post-divorce conflict may be the most significant factor in adjustment (or maladjustment) for children of divorce. DEFUSING THE HIGH CONFLICT DIVORCE is a practical guide for therapists and others who work with angry divorcing couples. The book offers a unique set of proven programs for quelling the hostility in high-conflict co-parenting couples, and “defusing” their prolonged, bitter and emotional struggles.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Excellent book for professionals who deal with high-conlict divorces and for their clients
In “Defusing the High-Conflict Divorce,” the authors get underneath the surface of high-conflict divorces and describe the types of dysfunction occurring in these families — dysfunctions which are often not recognized for what they are by legal or mental health professionals. Problems in both the legal and mental health fields that contribute to our dysfunctional adversarial system of divorce are outlined. The authors share information about the kinds of interventions that work and those that don’t, in resolving the underlying issues in the family. Throughout the focus is on reducing the parental conflict so that parents are able to meet their children’s needs. This book is crucial for legal and mental health professionals who work with divorcing families. It can also offer hope to divorcing couples that there are alternatives other than litigation for resolving conflict.

5 Stars How to prevail if your job is to be the cooler head
Couples who divorce and stay angry at each other, making ongoing demands and endless accusations, creating volatile situations around issues like child custody, and refusing to be reasonable no matter how much professional guidance they get are a drain on legal and therapeutic resources. They’re a major pain for counselors and court personnel, whose efforts are wasted when the feuding exes behave like irrational children.

This book’s four authors pooled their expertise in dealing with high-conflict divorce cases to create a resource for other helping professionals. The result is a savvy guide, brimming with common sense and cool-headed ways to resolve conflict and reduce the frustration of toxic post-divorce relationships. How can you help this couple manage their anger toward each other? How can you get them to put their children first and encourage them to be reasonable with each other? How do you keep them focused on issues, and not each other’s personalities? These are a few of the important questions answered in this frank, perceptive volume.

The book begins with an eye-opening overview — incorporating solid research and the authors’ own clinical experience — of what really happens when ex-spouses with children keep fighting. A discussion of dysfunctional patterns that helpers are likely to encounter follows, detailing categories such as co-parents who put their kids in the middle of their fights; substance abuse in one or both exes; one or both ex-partners being accused of mental illness; and other varieties of wheel-spinning pitfalls that cause a lot of collateral damage. There are illustrative examples and a wealth of practical advice here about how to deal with these challenges.

Another part of the book offers an insider’s view of the legal and mental health systems that deal with high-conflict divorces. The emphasis is on key figures, like attorneys, judges, and clinicians, who can influence a combative situation toward either peace or escalating war. The authors explore alternatives to litigation and stress proven interventions (including a highly successful program developed by Price and Margerum) and demonstrate how helpers can get involved in high-conflict cases without finding themselves sucked into the maelstrom of post-divorce bitterness.

This is a clear, astute resource sure to boost the confidence and optimism of anyone responsible for sorting out the complications of high-conflict divorce.

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